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Newest Member: chickenchicken

Wayward Side :
Power?....

Topic is Sleeping.
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 ChanceAtLife35 (original poster member #69527) posted at 1:15 AM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

I am supposed to see my psychologist tomorrow. At the end of our last session, one of my homework assignments was to think about what i have power over to help me focus on things that potentially alleviate stress and prevent times when i am triggered. I took time with this because i really wanted to educate myself on this as my relationship with power came with very skewed thinking. I am always on the what i call a seesaw between feeling powerless and powerful, but for me it's never healthy. When i feel powerful is when i can manipulate or control someone especially with sex and if i am honest playing the victim. Only in those moments i feel like i only have that person in control and it appears suffocating for the other person. I related power generally to sex because in my mind that's the only time i feel i have a person under my power spell and i can be the most dominant. Or even with being very competitive to the degree, i do anything to win. In my relationship/marriage, i would use sex, manipulation, control, and playing the victim for control. This also occurred in my affairs. Only in person i felt this way. But when i am away from these people, i feel rejected, abandoned and at my most powerless. I can't handle the feeling and i end up self-sabotaging in the process. I am overcome with helplessness and fear. If i am honest, i feel this just about with anything. When i feel like i don't have control over something, i lose it. Time, people, money, food, sleep, things i want or need. I lose it.

I realize now that i don't have power over anything that is deemed healthy to me. I gave people power over me, my beliefs, my body, my mind, just about anything. What's most important to me to understand is that i can see that what i have power over is most damaging for me because no matter how much i try to control anything, i will never get the results i want. I would rather give myself power at this point. I have power over how i feel about myself and how i treat my body. I don't have to dwell on negative things or people. I have power with how i react when it comes to my emotions, how i interpret what is said or done to me, and when i want to ask for help. I have power over when to say yes or no too.

I thought i had so much power in my A's, but when i really think about it, i didn't. I tried to dress and play the part and put myself on this sexual pedestal, but deep down i was losing myself and i just really needed help and didn't know how to ask, but i never tried. I did this in my marriage too. Let so much build up but did everything to feel like i had control or power over anything, but i made matters worse. At the beginning and end of my recovery meetings we always say the Serenity Prayer. I feel like keeping this in mind will help me.

Me: WW (multiple EA’s PA’s)
Her: BW
DDay: 6/9/18
IHS - Divorcing

In IC, 12 Steps program, currently reading "Boundaries in Marriage"

posts: 256   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2019
id 8646807
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 4:20 AM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

I just wanted to say that I hear this so hard. So much of my unhealthy behavior comes down to power -- taking it in ways that disrespect myself and others and then being afraid to try and earn it honestly. I'm still not sure why my fear of failure is so much greater when I'm standing in the light.

WW/BW

posts: 3664   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8646836
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MorbidCuriosity ( member #74928) posted at 1:08 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

Not a Wayward here. But I had chances that allowed me to be one.

I travel a lot for competitions and stuff when I was in my teens. Imagine a 2X year old athlete at events where the governments of each country put forth their country's most beautiful and most handsome to greet you. Be extra friendly with you and generally just give you a grand ol time. When they say Olympics is a f-fest. They ain't kidding.

I was there to receive all these. There are more than once that I thought to myself, "not gonna lie, girl is a damn model and is all over me. I've been given the green light by these gals to go cuckoo in the free hotel we have. No one will know. Heck there are free condoms. It is totally ok to do this."

The power I felt back then was frightening. I have the power to hurt the one that put their whole trust in me back home. I have the power to totally ruin their life and devoid them of trust and security. I have the power to fuck the shit out of these girls and get off scott free. Ill see her crumble before me. I am a dictator. My actions will affect your future any way I can. I have so much power. In the end, the power aroused me more than the girl did.

But what held me back? What made me different from those that gave in? All I did was say no to the girl and I lost all that "power". Imagine a 800m tall tree in all its grandeur. So big and so strong but all you needed to do is tap its trunk and it falls. Can you truly call that tree big and strong? Nope. It is just a façade if all it took was a tap. Just like all it took was for me to say no. Ironically, saying no made me all the more powerful and that is true power. A person that has values, principles, loyalty and self-respect and self-love. It made me realize what true power is.

So yes. Power not just being able to say yes or no. Power is the ability to feel good when saying yes or no when it aligns with your principles, your boundaries, your beliefs.

Totally IMO only though.

posts: 57   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
id 8646869
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fooled13years ( member #49028) posted at 1:37 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

ChanceAtLife35

I realize now that i don't have power over anything

I am really hoping that you discover what I know to be true of everyone.

YOU TRULY ARE STRONGER THAN YOU REALIZE.

I thought i had so much power in my A's, but when i really think about it, i didn't

I can't think of any false narrative, situation or action that provides any real strength or power to anyone. It might seem like it for a moment but that feeling is fleeting and an allusion.

Please continue to dig as I believe you are on the verge of a major breakthrough.

I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.

posts: 1042   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2015
id 8646876
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 4:09 PM on Wednesday, March 31st, 2021

When I feel powerful is when I can manipulate or control someone

Honestly CAL35, this is all good stuff even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. You are learning lessons about yourself, and while the answers you are uncovering aren't ones you like, they are at least the truth. You can now begin to see how you were using or hurting others, even if you weren't fully aware of how/why that was occurring at the time(s). However, it can also open a door for you, if you let it.

I'll tell you a little secret. Ready for this? WS's tend to be very strong and capable people. Yeah, I know, we spend all day wallowing in our shame and guilt, and at our core, we often feel powerless, which (as you stated above) is why we were open to the idea of having an affair in the first place, as it allows us to feel special, and in control. But seriously, look at all the WORK involved in having an affair! We often end up living two lives, not just one! We found one or more partners, we maintained contact with them, we arranged dates, we arranged other people's lives to allow the affair to occur, we manipulated our own lives to sustain the secrets, we wrote letters, bought gifts, had clandestine meetings, told lies and made up more lies to support them, hid things, controlled things, destroyed things, and all the while, still managed to maintain an air of normalcy and believability. Wow. That is no small feat. Shitty, yes, for sure, but still, no small feat of shittyness.

My wife used to say to me all the time, "If you put in as much work towards fixing yourself as you did into having the affair, you would see the success you want". And she was right.

So back to the quote above... you say you feel powerful when you are in control of someone else. I am going to shorten that and simply say that you feel powerful when you are in control. Would you agree? Being in control makes your fear and doubt take a back seat, and gives your ego a chance to shine. It is when you feel your best. When you are in control, fear turns into a challenge, doubt turns into confidence, uncertainty drives innovation and the scared, little person inside of us all becomes a lion. All of these things are GOOD things if we allow them to be. So far, we haven't allowed that. Not because we are evil, shitty people by nature, but because we are people who suffer from trauma, fear and insecurity that has eroded or destroyed our healthy boundaries and our own self-respect and personal worth. So how do we fix this?

We fix this by using that power and control, as well as that strength and capability, and using it for GOOD. We use it to build ourselves up rather than tearing ourselves (or others) down. The truth is, you don't need to control or manipulate others in order to feel powerful. You (and when I say YOU, I mean all WS's) instead need to control YOURSELF. You need to take that power you have and use it on yourself. If you have the power to lie, then you have the power to tell the truth even in the worst situations. If you have the power to manipulate others into doing/thinking/feeling how you need them to, then you also have the power to change your own mind, habits and goals. If you had the power to live two lives, then living just one, good life is well within your abilities. Instead of destroying, you build. Instead of running away from fear, you run into it. Instead of failing, you learn. Instead of allowing yourself to live in shame, you take control, and live the life you choose to live, believe the things you choose (along with your conscience) to believe, and achieve the goals that only you can set. We do all of this by setting healthy boundaries, and giving ourselves permission to be imperfect people without having to define or label ourselves by our failures. We define ourselves by our successes. We label ourselves by deciding who we want to be and then making our choices and actions match the labels we have decided to live by.

In other words, you control yourself instead of others. And in doing so, you begin to bring back confidence. You regain empathy. You sleep better at night simply because you know that you've done all you can, every single day, to be a good, decent person, the kind of person you respect, trust and admire. You NEVER have to lie. You never have to control others. In fact, everything is in control, all the time, and you are in 100% control of how you feel, what you do, and how you present yourself to the world. You stop needing to manipulate others, and better yet, you stop needing others to define yourself. Manipulate yourself, just do so with a positive intent and direction.

I realize now that I don't have power over anything that is deemed healthy to me.

No, it is the opposite. You are the ONLY person who has power over that. You are the only person who can even define what is healthy to you. And you are the best person for the job of taking care of that. Sure, you can get all kinds of help and advice, look for inspiration, and seek out strategies and tools to accomplish your goals. But at the end of the day, no one else can do this for you. And when your brain finally releases, and you stop believing that you are incapable of achieving the change you want, you will become capable (finger-snap!) just like that. And it will be so much easier than you pictured.

My wife used to ask me what was stopping me from moving forward. And I would tell her it is my fear. And then I realized, it was more than that... it was pre-emptive. It was "the fear of the fear". I was so afraid of feeling afraid that I was cemented in place, unable to move or even think. Having to deal with my pain, or failure, or the things I did and the choices I made and the damage done... was overwhelming. I felt as though I couldn't handle it even when I wasn't fully seeing myself. It felt like looking deep inside of myself would kill me. It felt like being someone better, or even different, was impossible, fake even. But like most things in life, when it finally happened, it was not only not as bad as I had expected, it was actually easier. Felt better. It was like putting on a bullet-proof jacket. I felt safe, even in the middle of the fire, I felt safe, because being someone I respect was the jacket that protected me from the lies I had told myself my whole life. I am not a perfect person and never will be. And I regret my failures and the damage done to others. But I can still love myself, honestly, and even the communication with myself has improved as a result. I can call out my own bullshit now, and end it before it gets farther than a thought.

You are getting there CAL35. Stop being afraid. The worst has happened and you are still here, and still okay. Hurting, but okay. If you can survive infidelity, you can survive anything.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1446   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8646927
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 ChanceAtLife35 (original poster member #69527) posted at 12:21 AM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

To all of you, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and advice on what I posted here. I have been on my hands and knees for so long, but did everything to create the illusion that I was standing so tall doing everything to be powerful. Or so I thought I was. I have to just keep reminding myself that I am in control of me and my actions and that honestly, the majority of the people in my life have wanted nothing, but the best for me. To encourage me to learn, grow, and overcome the adversities in my life that I am faced with. My defeated attitude still very much exists. I have to really dig into this part of me because I end up not trying anything at all especially things that I know are good for me like my affair recovery work. I was very sheltered as a child and had the minimal expectations set for me such as getting a good education, getting a good job, and being able to provide.

But anything beyond that was met with closed minded opinions and shut down immediately. I was too scared to be myself though. I felt this way because i was "different." My sexuality plays a big part in this. I also felt really intimidated growing up with nothing but boys. I felt really powerless to them. It was the worst once they became teenagers because I allowed them to objectify me and didn't say anything that was very inappropriate about girls. I muted myself. I muted myself to the point to where people probably didn't even know I was in the room. My voice was only used to make people laugh and to please people. I want nothing now but to express what I am going through and use it to help me in any way that I can. Its uncomfortable at times, but relieving when I do. Not sure what else to say, but i am very grateful at the responses here.

Me: WW (multiple EA’s PA’s)
Her: BW
DDay: 6/9/18
IHS - Divorcing

In IC, 12 Steps program, currently reading "Boundaries in Marriage"

posts: 256   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2019
id 8647924
Topic is Sleeping.
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