SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nekonamida, if I could just get 50/50, I would be a happy man. And with your advice for asking for first right of refusal, I’d be even better. I honestly just want something reasonable. Maybe what I am asking for, the custody with alternating weekends, and switching the schedule during summer and winter breaks is too much. But that is just what I’m entering with. I assume we will come up with something that falls right in the middle.

Reading your posts, the cheating part is dismissed as a technicality. You obviously don’t think it plays that big a part in the whole divorce thing. You seem to be very critical of your BW’s parenting skills and her character in general, even poking fun at her PowerPoint presentation, but where is the compassion for what you put her through? It really does not come across from your posts.

I agree with this.

Not saying that cheaters can't be decent parents, or that BS can't be awful ones. But my bet is that we are all -WS & BS alike -probably somewhere in the middle.

It find it interesting that your posts are HIGHLY critical of your BW, until someone calls you out, and then we get the "I did all I could" stuff. From my perspective, none of your posts (until called out) showed much compassion or empathy for what you put your FAMILY through by cheating.

Doesn't mean you or your kids should be punished about it forever.

Does mean that maybe you aren't as "changed" or enlightened as you want to believe.

Hey GMC, my therapist would highly disagree with your last statement. I have been in therapy a long time and have worked so hard on myself and my issues. He has told me about the change he has seen in me and has recognized my hard work. Please don’t try to take that away from me.

You are right, I didn’t discuss my cheating in the post. I did not talk about the tremendous pain I inflicted on my wife, and didn’t talk about the remorse I have felt. The thought of hurting the person I swore to protect. But I wasn’t really here to talk about any of that. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but my focus was to come here and discuss the issue I am currently having regarding custody. I’ve talked about all that stuff before when I was really working on saving my marriage and working towards R, but I’ve moved into the D/S section. Right now my concern is choosing what’s best for my children. My wife has already made it clear what will help her, and it’s not me, it’s getting far away from me. And that’s ok. I really hope she does find happiness after all this. I’ve helped her out as much as I could.

Also, I don’t think it’s really that I’m getting called out, but it’s obvious people need more information, so I then provide the information. Kinda like I’m doing here. I don’t know, I’m just looking for a discussion. Not trying to offend anyone here.

Hey JustSomeGuy, thanks for your response. That sound so similar. She definitely prefers all the fun stuff. I have taken this family on some pretty fun excursions, and you are right, those are the times she feels best, happy. So I do more and more. It’s when it comes down to being at home and parenting that it’s not so great. She gets frustrated very easily.

But yes, it can be like I have another child sometimes. She a very intelligent girl, don’t get me wrong. Smartest girl I know. But whenever she’s leaving the house, I have to find her keys, her purse, her phone, sometimes even help her find clothes. Whenever we leave on a trip I pack all of her clothes. Even if she’s leaving by herself. Kinda like what I do with my kids. Again, wonderful, smart girl, but she can be like that sometimes.

She def needs a clean break, and I told her that was alright, told her I would help with whatever she needed. I understand she needs to go away. We’re just having trouble with custody, the only thing we both disagree on.

I stand corrected. She is the BW. So my PowerPoint presentation is not accurate.

People don’t use their children as pawns. It is wrong.

Just so you know I have a good friend whose W D him ( the wife was the cheater). She married the AP/OM and years later wanted to move to the opposite coast b/c the new H had a job transfer. But the kids were going to muse seeing their father except a few weeks per year.

He waged a court battle and won. She was not able to move to the opposite coast as the court viewed it as a detriment to the children. Of course the XW did everything she could to turn the kids against their father.

But she’s still living in the same state as her XH.

How old are your children? If they're old enough, a week on/week off can be workable, with a dinner or something for the "off" parent mid-week. I know parents who have done this successfully, but I think it would be too hard on smaller children.

Definitely get the right of first refusal. I would recommend you live close enough to be able to help if needed unexpectedly. I wouldn't be bailing her out, though. She's going to have to learn to parent on her own.

Has your attorney given you any indication of what is normal in your jurisdiction. I'd start there.

Cat

Hello cat. The kids are still young at the moment. I would definitely like a split in the middle. Unfortunately, she wants to move far away. Yes, talked to the lawyer, he said chances are they won’t be pulled out of school. So they would stay in the district, which is good cause it’s a really good school district. I really don’t mind her moving away though, so I’m not trying to keep her near. She actually asked if I would consider moving near her to help with the kids. I know exactly what that means, I’ve already been doing that. Taking care of everything while she does her.

I believe that divorced parents should leave a reasonable distance from each other, as it is inevitable that someone might forget homework, a textbook, etc. Living reasonably near makes these a little easier to manage.

However, doing this will require that you have boundaries. Sure, I'm willing (and I am sure you would be as well) to drop everything to help my children. That's a given. But when every day is an "emergency?" Well, not so much. Your STBXW will need to learn to single parent, just as you will need to learn to single parent.

Most courts will not allow a long-distance move if the other parent objects to it. Certainly, there are factors, such as extended family available for help and support, a better opportunity which would mean better schools . . . but these are taken on a case by case basis and often the parent who has done the moving will need to provide transportation back for parenting time. I would do everything I could to avoid this.

I would discuss this with your attorney and perhaps they can make some creative suggestions that might work. Otherwise, if you're still getting unreasonable pushback, I would wait until she retains an attorney and have the attorneys hash it out. Sometimes that's much easier, and it certainly can be more fair as the attorneys, while advocates for their clients, are much less emotionally invested.

Cat