Topic is Sleeping.
BeenHereBefore (original poster new member #77290) posted at 9:25 AM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021
Back ground: I'm one year out from my timeline to serve him papers. There are a number of assets. 29 yrs marriage. I'm gathering all financial information (past 5 yrs). WH THRIVES on Conflict. I'm reading/researching Narcissism and he ticks off many characteristics (especially rage). Money is his god. I know this will be difficult, but dealing with the disrespect of his ongoing affair with his employee (he owns his business) is just as difficult. Ours will be a "Gray Divorce", both of us in our 60's.
I will admit I'm fearful, and the more I read/research, feeds my fears. I have already consulted with lawyers, I understand he will probably drag out divorce as a delay tactic. Could use advice from those who have had experience divorcing NPD's / High Conflict Personality. What else can I prepare myself for?
WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 12:03 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021
Read the book "Splitting: protecting yourself while divorcing someone with narcissistic / borderline personality disorder.".
I'm divorcing a cluster b personality, and this book reads like a playbook for him. It will help you anticipate what's going to happen. And it will happen.
I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural
DigitalSpyder ( member #61995) posted at 12:33 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021
I imagine that if he is high conflict and/or NPD he is going to fight you on almost everything. Just be prepared to stand your ground on what matters most to you.
Post Tenebras Spero Lucem
The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater their power to harm us. Voltaire
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:37 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021
Have a plan. Anticipate if he does X you do Y.
You have an attorney - you don’t need to discuss the D with him. Refer him to your attorney. Just keep repeating the same thing over and over.
Build protective walls around yourself.
Just remember he willingly cheated. Now he has to face the consequences. And he sill not like losing control if the situation. And you. That will enrage him.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 1:40 PM on Tuesday, June 8th, 2021
I would definitely hire an attorney with a lot of experience with these personality types. You need someone who can "see around corners" and anticipate reactions (they really are quite predictable, once you figure them out).
Document EVERYTHING. Make sure you have either hard copies or an electronic backup in an off-site location, like with a friend. I would keep an excel sheet of various incidents (we had minor children, which I assume you do not) and log what happened, when it happened and who might have witnessed it.
My ex, too, did not want to pay anything and ended up with the judge levying him a fairly large up-front settlement to me for his antics, so this is where your documentation will come in handy.
Practice "grey rock" with him. If he wants to bully you into agreeing to something, tell him you will "consider" it. Don't agree to anything without your attorney reviewing, and my personal advice is don't agree to anything until you have the entire picture of a settlement. My ex tried to get me to agree to things piecemeal, which I would not do.
Hang on--this is a wild, wild ride.
Cat
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."
Topic is Sleeping.
