Woah, reading this thread is like re-living my divorce... or, less dramatically, there are a lot of similarities.
She has delayed and delayed and delayed the divorce because she believes it's financially to her advantage.
It's hard to guess what motivates people, especially since I've never met you or her... but more likely, it's all about control. She wants to control you and the only way to do that is to delay and to obfuscate.
In my divorce, my xWW invented the legal theory that I was required to find new housing within the kids' school district. This was not a negotiating tactic by her (e.g., she could have said, stay in the school district and I'll agree to 50-50 custody), but rather simply a command. I asked all three of my attorneys about this and they all said that the only requirement is that I continue to live within the same State that I am currently living in. She has the same issue (i.e., the custody settlement implicitly requires that we stay in State... if we move out of State, then we have to come up with a new agreement).
I have now been living about 30 miles from xWW for more than a year. She still complains that I did not follow her command.
Best of all, I simply do not have the money to pay to go to trial. But I have no choice.
Yep, been there... done that. I spent $30K on legal fees to get divorced (mediation, custody evaluation, trial). I had to take a second job. I cut expenses wherever I could (I like to fish... so I have been eating a lot of fish in the past year -- hey, free food!). I am now looking at another $15K in legal fees for an appeal... which I had better win because I am completely screwed financially if I don't.
Really invasive questions, fishing for anything. Even trying to find out through the questions if I have a girlfriend sleeping over when I am here solo. I do not. As if that even mattered. I believe that she is about to go for full custody.
Yep, they're trying to intimidate you. Just be yourself. I was accused of neglecting my mental health because I had stopped seeing my therapist every week. I had stopped seeing my therapist every week because I had FULLY COMPLETED the therapy course (this took about 16 months) and I had not experienced any depression symptoms in 6 months (at that time). I was still seeing my therapist monthly and I was still seeing a psychiatrist.
The correct response is to remain calm and just answer the questions carefully as if you don't have a care in the world. It's not easy because it's a lot of noise, but it's just noise.
We have a custody agreement signed now. It's less than 50/50, but I gave way because of parental alienation, trying to salve the wound before it got worse. That's kind of the main issue. The freely choosing. She is busy with parental alienation so that the impression arises in a tween brain:
Again, I've been there, done that. My middle child, with whom I was EXCEPTIONALLY CLOSE (we'd go fishing together every week, all summer long) stopped talking to me for three months.
You have to just remain calm, do the right thing, and keep being a great dad. Never miss your parenting time. If your kids don't want to talk to you, let them do that... but require that they come to your place for your parenting time.
It sounds like you have figured all of this out already, so I am merely trying to reinforce that you're doing great. I have been physically moved out of the marital home for more than 2 years and I think that all three of my kids have figured out that their mother is a lying psycho. I don't know this, of course, because I don't talk to the kids about their mother (and I *never* criticize her in front of them). That said, I feel like I have a strong relationship with all three of my kids right now.
Just continue to be a good dad and raise your kids to be wonderful human beings.
Her attorney seems pretty passive. In meetings, STBXW has done almost all the talking. Well, if you call nearly yelling talking. It is hard to know for sure whether her attorney is steering everything behind the scenes or being steamrolled by her like almost everyone in her life.
I think this bodes well for you. Her attorney is ethically bound to aggressively represent your STBXW's interests within the scope of the law. A passive attorney suggests that her attorney knows that she wants things that are not established law. This also means that her attorney is probably encouraging her to settle... so don't give up on the negotiations.
In this sense, you're lucky. My xWW's attorney was more than happy to push whatever buttons that could be pushed, no matter the law. Again, it was all noise and I got almost everything that I requested when we went to trial. The parts that I did not get are being appealed... because the judge made an egregious error according to my attorney.