I don’t know if this is helpful to anyone or not, but I will share a bit because I had an extremely limerant affair, and while I was NC with AP even before I confessed it was not an easy process to become NC in my brain.
First you must get very mindful. Being present in the pain of withdrawal is very hard. It takes consistency.
I found it helped to create some rituals in my day and work my way up to more. Just focusing on breathing for 30 seconds can be a good start. Then I would take ordinary tasks and make it an exercise to be completely present.
Also it’s hard to make the thoughts stop because you are creating a narrative to keep up your highs. You are depleted of dopamine and that’s the source you have programmed as your go to.
Notice when you do think of them it’s shit you are making up. Ask yourself, what proof do I have of that? What proof do I have to the contrary. Looking back my ap really didn’t treat me all that well.
I would use those times to dispel the story I was telling myself about how great they were. Eventually I saw way more proof of being used than being "loved"
Love is more than feelings, contemplate on what it is. To me it’s actions. What do their actions show? What did yours show? If you are honest with yourself you will admit that your actions were coming from a place of neediness, nothing to do with who they actually are.
My therapist told me in the beginning that I needed to learn to light myself up. I had no idea what that meant or how to achieve it. In fact it just made me feel more anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed.
That began a journey of self discovery that I am still on today. I have had to find the path to what my passions are in a healthy way. I tend to think there are more affairs now than ever because people are not present in their life. They don’t know why they are unhappy but all they do is work, take care of home duties, spend time escaping in their phone or watching tv.
Happiness comes from doing things you love. It’s a form of self care. Self care is a signal to yourself that you love yourself. The more you find healthy ways to do that the more you will learn happiness comes from within and not from other people.
It’s never perfect. I have learned that sometimes you just have to sit with your difficult feelings and accept them. At the same time know it’s temporary.
Most of you are here because you numbed yourself to the point of stagnation and when you became depressed or couldn’t deal with that numbness anymore you tried to get your feelings propped up through another person.
Because you felt like a big piece of shit you didn’t try and get them from your spouse because they know you and all your flaws. It feels like they know how shitty you are (that’s just another narrative you were telling yourself - though now that your spouse knows they see it now too) you sought your ap (maybe unconsciously) because you need someone who could see you in the light you wanted them to.
They were of course willing to do that in exchange for what they needed too. Two people at their worst rolling around in the mud together is never a foundation for a strong everlasting love.
It also helped me to read things like Dr Frank Pittman wrote because there is a normal neurological response in having an affair that can be predicted over and over with certainty. When you read enough of this you have to see what is happening is not at all unique, or special it’s as simple as Pavlov’s dog.
I also read about other forms of addiction and it’s same song different verse with a limerant affair. I am addressing that mostly here because other types of affairs do not have addictive withdrawal situations.
Eventually, and this part took years, I did get over the shame and humiliation of what I did. Those emotions stay longer than they are helpful and they have to be overcome in order to get to a place of wholeness. It’s very hard to eliminate either of those without a period of time creating a better recent history.
The best thing you can do is take each day as it comes and do your absolute best to work on yourself. Rinse and Repeat. Even if you don’t feel happy, relief, etc. To believe in yourself again you have to do that work that makes you that reliable person.
It’s for that reason I think journaling, meditation, practicing presence, a daily gratitude ritual, trying new hobbies, practicing being a good rebuilder, etc are great supporting roles in growth and with consistent practice you will become someone you can feel proud of again. This will then in turn allow you to begin to let go of the shame. Shame is not helpful.
When you lose the shame, it allows you to expand and make room for plans of retribution, feelings of empathy and remorse, and building back (or or the first time) feelings of accomplishment, self love, self respect, etc.
I now know that I can have joy regardless of my circumstances. That I can fulfill all my own needs and my relationships with others are a wonderful enhancement. They are just not a requirement in order for me to be happy. That part is a bit more advanced.
Know that self love isn’t a permanent thing, it’s something we strive for through our whole lives. Grief is not linear either and you will go back and forth for a while until eventually the bad points get shorter and the good points get longer.
Eventually you do have to put it away in your mind, but glean the lessons first and do not leave your spouse hanging.
If you fill your life with what you want it to be you will find yourself pushing aside the AP and the go to narratives you have, because you are too full ti do so. You will care about yourself enough to stop dragging yourself down.
If it crosses my mind today, I simply remind myself I am clear of that situation now and I change the channel. It took a long time to figure out how to stop overthinking and obsessing and analyzing things from every angle. Being in the present is so helpful, there is too much anxiety in the past and future.
Learn to love yourself so well that if no one else did you would be okay. And learn that the effort you put into something is what makes it valuable. You shifted your efforts to someone outside of your marriage. That made it seem more valuable. The magic of having a good marriage is being the right partner and putting that effort in every day.
Find a way to do that or please just let your spouse go so they can cut their losses and start to heal.