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Sorry this is what it came to. You will survive and live well. Best wishes to you.

So we're going to stay friends, and I'm sure you're right that maybe she's not going to be able to stay friends if that's who she really is. She's getting help. But I know, in the back of her mind, she knows she threw away the best person there ever could have been for her.

She is not your friend.

In the back of her mind the only thing she knows is that she underestimated you and overestimated her control over you. Nothing more. If she ever was capable of recognizing your value and appreciating you she would never have betrayed you.

She regrets being caught. She regrets that she has lost control over you and the narrative.

Entertain her as your friend at your own risk. She will still look for ways to hurt you and assert control over your life. If you give her the opportunity she will do her best to not only sabotage your efforts to heal and move on, but she will attempt to tank any romantic relationships you may enjoy going forward.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 7:39 PM, Friday, March 18th]

She is not your friend.

In the back of her mind the only thing she knows is that she underestimated you and overestimated her control over you. Nothing more. If she ever was capable of recognizing your value and appreciating you she would never have betrayed you.

She regrets being caught. She regrets that she has lost control over you and the narrative.

I literally have no idea where her mind is. I think it's just likely she's just has a disconnect. We're still friendly towards each other, but I am frustrating the hell out of her with boundaries.

She is not your friend.

In the back of her mind the only thing she knows is that she underestimated you and overestimated her control over you. Nothing more. If she ever was capable of recognizing your value and appreciating you she would never have betrayed you.

She regrets being caught. She regrets that she has lost control over you and the narrative.

Entertain her as your friend at your own risk. She will still look for ways to hurt you and assert control over your life. If you give her the opportunity she will do her best to not only sabotage your efforts to heal and move on, but she will attempt to tank any romantic relationships you may enjoy going forward.

Wellllllll this is kinda coming true.

Wellllllll this is kinda coming true.

What's going on?

She's still being emotionally manipulative. I told her as much, also.

LumpyGravy,

What was her reaction to your telling her she’s emotionally manipulative?

You need to stop sharing your emotions with someone who so ably stomped on them. We warned you LP.

Just steer clear and go live your life. There is no award for being a fabulous exH. Seriously, go out, date, and live a great life and leave her ass behind. CLose out this part of your past

What was her reaction to your telling her she’s emotionally manipulative?

Mostly kinda drove by it. Didn't really register or she chose to ignore it.

I'm doing ok, but there are still times where we miss each other. Sometimes I am such a rube. She asked for help hanging a curtain at her apartment, so I did it. I want to absolve guilt from all this by doing things for her which I know is ridiculously dumb because 1. it doesn't fix anything or make any guilt go away and 2. I shouldn't feel guilty.

So a small update - my child (identifies as they) was living with me during the separation and after the divorce. They are 24 and have not held a steady job for years, flunked outta college, all that. High anxiety and therapist after therapist. They went to look at my XW's apartment with the idea of moving in since they think I'm harsh at times, and when they saw how small it was they came back and said they'd rather stay with me. By harsh, I ean I hold them to their choices, and make them responsible for their actions. I don't pay their phone bill and don't buy them groceries, etc.

I told them that they needed to start paying rent and hold a job since they need to get out on their own and launch. I wanted them to launch. In reality they only had to pay their phone bill, as I was going to take all accumulated rent and return it to them when they left.

They only had a couple rules to live by - keep a job and if you lose your job you have 30 days to find another job, and I wanted to see them move out by October - wherever they needed to go, they'd be 25, and they should be ready to do SOMETHING by the time they are in their mid 20's.

They worked at a call center doing fundraising and once they figured out it was supporting something they vehemently didn't believe in, they tanked the job. Got fired at the end of April. Applied to a single job. Cancelled or delayed therapy appointments. Stayed up stupid hours during the night. There wasn't much I could do but hold myself to my word, and after 42 (!) days I told them they had 10 days to leave. They could go anywhere they wanted, move in with friends, whatever. I told them it would not be a good idea to move in with their mom but, well... that's what they did, and their mom, my XW took them in.

So now there they are. Together again. The person who enabled my kid's lackadaisical effort towards life. I did what I could but I could not get them to launch. I have a mostly empty house save for her dog who she cannot afford to support (and who I do not mind caring for, he's my dog too).

I changed the locks on the doors of the house (something we didn't do when we moved in 10 years ago) and she asked if she was going to get a key. When I said no, she seemed genuinely hurt. She still wants to maintain control, and I'm probably not helping much.

Proud of you for holding your child to meeting certain standards.

Hang in there - sometimes it’s hard to be a parent. Just know you are doing the right thing.