This is going to be a long one. I can't sleep, I need to get this out.
Backstory - DDay1 was back in February 2020. WH had been having an affair for about a year. It had started before I got pregnant with our third child. Continued through my (rough) pregnancy. We tried to R, I went straight to wanting that without fully processing everything. We did fake R as he never stopped contact with the AP. Then we started for real.
DDay2 was the Sunday after Thanksgiving 2021. Another affair, new AP, had been going on for 6 months. (There had been other women too, but he says he only talked to them, never met in person. Like I can believe that.) So we had been in "real" R for about a year give or take before he started cheating again. Both times I found out, then he confirmed it. He never just confessed. This time I didn't even consider R. I knew I couldn't do it. He had me so fooled that we were in R. I wanted so badly to be happy, and he gave me just enough to give me hope. He'd be distant, but then plan a weekend away for the two of us. We weren't having as much sex, but when we did he would initiate about half the time. I really thought we were going to get through it and be happy again. I was so proud of us.
Now I don't recognize the man standing in front of me. I am a stay at home mom. From the beginning, he has said that he wants to continue to provide, let me still be a stay at home mom, at the very least until our youngest goes to school in a few years. He's promised to never abandon me, to always take care of his family. We agreed that we wouldn't officially divorce right away, so that I could stay on his insurance. He opened a new bank account for himself. He split his direct deposit so half went to his account and half to mine. We were going to be married on paper, but have separate households and act like we were divorced. I should mention his job keeps him traveling. He's only home on the weekends.
I'm not stupid. I knew that there would be fights. We're both so emotional right now. But I told myself to wait it out and let the dust settle. To give this arrangement at least a month or two before I decided anything. He only finally moved out last weekend. I make so many excuses for him to myself. When he gets angry and says things to me, I tell myself that he's hurting too. And he comes back in 5 minutes and apologizes. There was a part of me that still believed we are soulmates. That even if he moves out and even if it takes a few years, that he would work on himself and we would find our way back to each other.
I no longer believe that. He has started to become emotionally abusive. He threatens to become financially abusive. He is showing signs of being controlling. I feel like I have entered this other reality where everything is wrong. It's like a fricken Lifetime movie. This is not my life. This is not my husband.
He has told me that everything is my fault. That he has been hurting for four years and I didn't help him. That I didn't see it and I didn't help him. That I wasn't a good enough wife. Or mom. Or homemaker. I didn't make good enough dinners. I didn't just sit with him and scratch his back and wait for him to open up. I didn't make him feel wanted. He never felt loved by me. That this other woman makes him happy.
He apologized and cried a few hours later.
I have emails to two attorneys to have consultations. I intend to file for divorce this week before I lose my nerve. I am terrified. I am terrified of so many things. I'm ashamed to say it, but I am terrified of his reaction. It's going to hurt him. After everything he's done, and I'm still worried about him, about how this is going to destroy him. I'm stronger than he is. I'm going to be ok. He's not going to be able to handle this. And he's going to try to bring me down and hurt me for it. Not physically. There have been no signs of that. I think he's too proud to do that, it would hurt his reputation, his image of being the good guy. The guy who leaves his bitch horrible ex-wife but still pays her bills so she can be a stay at home mom. In his house. With his money. Where he still makes the rules and has all the control.
These are facts. This is what is happening. But putting it in black and white like this makes him look like a monster. And I haven't even said everything. There is so much more. So much more hurt. And pain. And betrayal. But I still love him. And when I see him fall apart I am still worried about him. I think he is in the middle of a breakdown. He's not mentally stable. He's in so much pain. I worry about him. Even though he doesn't worry about me.
I feel paralyzed and empowered at the same time. One minute I feel in control and that everything is going to be ok. The next minute I feel like I can't file for divorce, that's just not something I can do. It's just not who we are. Even though it is.
I'm just rambling. My thoughts are so scrambled. This is more a journal than anything else I guess. I just have to get it out. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sleep. I can't think about this. It's too much. I don't even know how to describe what I feel. Shock. I've been shaking all day, I can't stop. I want to wake up from this nightmare. And as I'm typing this he texts me and says how sorry he is for everything he said today. And that he loves me. It makes me want to believe him. It makes me not want to hurt him. It makes me not want to file. But I have to. I hope that he can understand and one day not hate me for it. I hope one day I will be ok with the fact that he does hate me.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:03 PM, Sunday, January 23rd]