The last time I was active on here was September of last year. I had to step away because I felt I wasn't giving the effort to receive the help and take in the messages that I really needed to hear. My life has changed so much and thankfully for the better. I want to help others by sharing my story as I am in a point in my life, I see so many people struggling around me and I hope my story will inspire others to see themselves and get the help that they need. I will start with that night...I was still living with my BS at the time, I was very miserable and was in total face off with the reality of what is, and it was excruciatingly painful. All that time since D-Day, I was still playing the part of thinking I could do just enough to "fix" things or manipulate the "outcome." All while not doing the actual in-depth work to go through the process of affair recovery. I was sleeping on the couch feeling lonely, scared, anxious, and drowning in feelings of rejection and abandonment. I realize now, I was only abandoning and rejecting myself. After a conversation one night, I felt paralyzed with fear and felt completely hollow and numb inside. I said to myself "I can't do this anymore." I took out my journal and wrote a letter to my family saying my final goodbye. I knew this was wrong, I knew it was selfish and would cause so much devastation, but in those moments, I had no feelings, I wanted my life to end.
I grabbed a rope that my brother left behind when I moved in, cut it long enough to wrap around my neck. There was a hook in the ceiling that was used to hang plants that was next to the couch that I slept on. I grabbed the stool and placed it underneath it. I grabbed my phone and cleared everything out of it. I couldn't talk myself out of this not like any other time. I tied the rope around the hook, stood on the stool and wrapped the rope around my neck. I was scared, but I wanted to stop living. I kicked the stool and the rope tightened and burned around my neck. I immediately when into a hysterical panic and found myself struggling to breathe. I started screaming for help to my BS. She came out and somehow managed to loosen the rope around my neck. These moments changed my life...
Fast forward to November 9th, I am sitting in a hospital room waiting to be checked into a psych ward unit. I am in the most fragile state I think I have ever been in. My state of mind is going back and forth to erratic and numb. I was left that night laying there thinking I may end up here forever. That morning, I was taking to the 7th floor which was the psych ward. Wearing only a hospital gown and socks, I walked in and saw several others sitting in the common area. I somehow felt I belonged here. I had dreams and thoughts that It would take this experience for me to finally breakthrough what I was feeling. And it did. I stayed there 8 days, no phone, no tv in my room, check in every 15 minutes, increased meds, I couldn't leave the floor for any reason except the one time for good behavior. It was me and 15 other people who were lost, broken, addicts, victims, you name it, but we eventually found out we had so much in common. We all felt not good enough, unworthy, unloved, not seen or heard, and stuck in a lot of shame. We all wanted to do things right and be our true selves, loving us and other unconditionally, but we just didn't know how. I met with doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, social workers, occupational therapists, and learned so many tools to help us know that we are capable, and we are not alone. That there is help even in our darkest hours. I poured my heart out, I allowed no visitors except my sister because she worked in the same building. I wanted to take it all in, learn everything, to find ways to know that I need to be here, I truly have a purpose to live.
November 16th, I was granted to leave. It was bittersweet because I gained connections with so many people and I wanted to reach out to others like me and give them hope, but I knew my stay was temporary. I have been living with my sister since then and it's going better than expected. I am saving up to get my own place, something I was mortified to do in fear of being alone. I am still seeing my therapist and she confirmed I am no longer drowning in shame cycles! I only wear my jacket if it's cold too. I am currently on my 12th step in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous which is described as Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. I am in the process of joining a Hospitals and Institutions subcommittee which offers outreach to those who in treatment centers, incarcerated or otherwise confined and unable to attend regular meetings. I am not dating anyone, but my sponsor is creating a dating plan that will allow me to sober date. The medication I am on has help me tremendously by cutting down my negative thinking patterns, depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation. I am also going to go through a divorce at some point which I know will best for both of us.
I am very grateful to be alive as I see that I am here for many reasons. I still have a lot of work to do but, but I am in the best place mentally and emotionally. I am not writing this for advice, and I hope people can avoid doing everything to avoid endangering their life. I want to let others know that I went from thinking I didn’t deserve to live or think I couldn’t change. I was wrong. I genuinely want to share my story to give others hope.
Please PM if you need outreach or resources to help.
Thank you to those who read this.
CAL