SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know if anyone on this forum will remember me. And that's ok. But I remember so much from this place, and am grateful for the interactions with you all. My recent birthday has gotten me thinking and remembering about the ups/downs of life and my decisions. Dday is approximately 3.5 years ago. The divorce thereafter. Still going to therapy. Still looking inward and outward.

I can tell you what doesn't change. There is regret, and there is pain. But the pain is focused and its origin can be isolated (versus before it felt more chaotic). I find myself revisiting those choices and playing with 'what if' scenarios. I regret destroying her life. I'll never forget the moment she fell to the floor, weeping, realizing her marriage was over. Post-dday, I think this is what sticks with me the most: memory of the pain I caused. The pain she didn't deserve. She felt it viscerally.

I also regret how I acted the first year (or two?) or so past dday. I was a child. An irritating, unaware, selfish child. This is so obvious in retrospect.

Well, those are the harder things to contemplate. The positive news: she and I have a really good co-parenting relationship. Although we never really walked and talked through every detail of her pain or just shared feelings after the first year of my selfishness, there is a forgiveness there. I'll tell you, when you feel like you've poisoned your soul AND literally destroyed someone, and the woman you hurt forgives you, sheesh, that is a life-changing moment. I don't deserve it. But, I know that I also shouldn't continue to punish myself and hope to still be a good example to my boys.

Why am I writing? Maybe I just want those who are early in this process to know that it changes. Better/easier? Not sure I'd say that. More like, in focus. The trauma and pain will always be there for her. I know this. But, you get to a place where you can see the how/why so clearly. You can associate the terrible choices to the other choices and any number of "why's" you can find. And then it's just there. The moment, in your mind, it's just there like a memory or an old photograph, a certain kinda sober clarity. And then you have a choice. What kind of narrative do you want in your life? The "cheater the victim", or the cheater who faces his ugly choices and selfishness and exposes that ignominious underbelly for what it is? To accept this: cheating is a blight, and integrity is not an accident. It is a series of choices that one must take responsibility for. And if you (I) don't, it gets uglier. It is cancer.

So yea, I'm pontificating, embracing the microscopic grain in the moment passed. I secretly hope she continues to find happiness and healing in her life. Maybe in the hope that if healing can occur, maybe there's some kind of redemption in all of this this. And the other redemption is simply continuing to make choices that reflect the kind of character I want my boys to see.

Hoping you all are on a path that brings healing.

Yes, I remember you, kairos. IIRC, one of my last replies to you was that you seemed to be doing a really good job of leaving the drama behind in favor of doing the work. I'm so glad that has continued and that you and your ex have been able to form a cordial co-parenting relationship.

Since you were last here, there's a new thread in I Can Relate for WS who are not in R. It doesn't get a lot of traffic because we're at a bit of a low ebb for WS participation sitewide, but it might be something that is helpful for you to read.

Thanks so much for coming back to check in.

Ah thanks for the response BraveSirRobin. I need to read that other forum more. It's a little more challenging to read in the current format, since it's just a long thread that you have to review.

That said, I still find this forum relevant. I'm working on a different kind of Recovery, I suppose. While she is not there anymore, it still feels like I am trying to be the man that would've been in recovery in that relationship. Not sure how to describe it. It still feels like I'm working toward something. And maybe I haven't let go enough. I suppose I'm not willing to let myself off the hook. After all, mostly likely I will be in a relationship again someday.

Sounds like a topic for next therapy session.

I 100% agree that the work doesn't end just because the marriage ends. Wayward thinking patterns aren't about the BS, and recovery makes you a safer person in many aspects of your life.

I think the information, support, and reinforcement here is useful for WS at every stage, and the more diversity we have, the better we're able to connect with newcomers.

I am considered a madhatter here.

Thank you so much for your post. It is very heartfelt and helped me this morning.

Mickie500, I don't know how long it has been since dday for you, but time does help considerably. Regret is wrapped with a layer of shame and guilt for the first few years. Once that outer layer burns away -- when you can see yourself clearly in the mirror -- it becomes much clearer. While forgiven (by her and by myself), I have continued to take the approach that my life will always require self-analysis (similar to someone in AA). And that's a commitment to myself and those I love. I have learned this though: exposing everything to the light is the key. I was a liar and cheater. Cheaters lie. It's our MO. We start doing this out of shame or a lack of courage to go deep. And then it's just a slippery slope.

I'm just on a soap box. You found comfort in this message, but I don't know why.

3.5 years later I'm still here, reading these posts.