Then attacked the both of us, more so me than Brother. Then chased me around the house attacking me as Brother was leaving.
That he attacked you more than his brother makes me wonder where BH's priorities are. I get that he could be more upset at his wife for the sexual betrayal than his brother (brother didn't make vows to him), however, it's an unwritten code that brothers moving in on their sister in laws is incestuous.
Another thing, one year ago today brother spent valentines day with us. BH ended up drinking himself sick. *this was a point in time that BH had started to develop a drinking problem and has received the help he needed*
Like to the point he had to go to the hospital.
This adds more background. BH has some serious demons that he needs to deal with before he can even begin to be in a real M with you. Is he still in AA or a counseling /group therapy program? Is he willing to continue working on his drinking? Really, if he's not aggressively working on this for himself, it needs to be addressed for your child.
Your child was only a baby and her father was getting drunk enough to need to visit the ER. How can this be a positive situation for anyone in your family? It sounds like at the very least he is being selfish and irresponsible. At the most, it is abusive to his child. Your kid isn't going to be "innocently unaware" for much longer- by the time they hit 3, kids form concrete memories and their initial emotional coping instincts are set. Do you want your child growing up in this insecure and neglectful environment? How can a father with a drinking problem be a positive parental caregiver to your child?
There's a lot of people here on SI (BS and WS both) who grew up in homes where alcoholism was a problem. It did NOT have a positive outcome in any cases. If it was the BS's childhood, their partner picker and expectations for loving relationships allowed them to enable their WS's bullshit for too long. For WS's, it created such a brokenness inside that they had to seek outside validation to fill their emotional voids. Cue the affair...
Brother was there and comforted me with a hug. That was the first time we touched that I remember it wasn't like we were brother and sister in law.
How was a comforting hug more than platonic? What happened to make it so? His brother sounds like a predator. These people have instincts and know when someone is weak and vulnerable to their advances. My AP was one such. I was having a mental breakdown and he moved in. BH's brother sensed your weakness and instead of keeping things brotherly, pushed his agenda on you. YUCK . Real men and real brothers see weakness, vulnerability (ESPECIALLY IN A FAMILY MEMBER) and work to protect them in their weak state. They don't make moves on vulnerable women.
BH did the same thing to you in your prior abusive relationship. He sensed your weakness, stalked your social media, disrespected your boundaries, participated in you cheating on your douchebag abusive BF. He was a predator. And it sounds like he,
holds resentment to me for how we got together.
That sounds like blameshifting for his choices in your initial relationship. He needs to own it and NOT BLAME YOU. He disrespected you from the get go- you told him to back off, but he persisted. THAT'S on HIM. What you need to own in that situation is why you accepted his attentions then.
Brother shoved his finger in my mouth, in a non friend manner. I pulled his finger out and was a little shocked, I was not sure what was going on or why he did that. I told him he needed to do it.
This amounts to sexual assault. Brother shoved himself inside you uninvited. What coping mechanism in you didn't walk away from this? If it were me, I would be terrified- brother had been making advances, BH had been belittling/ gaslighting me about the problem, I'm in a home with a small child and surrounded by predatory, selfish, abusive men. You weren't protected, you weren't cared for, you weren't valued or cherished.
Why did you invite the oral? Why did you consent to the kiss? Why didn't you get off that couch and go into the bathroom or your bedroom with BH? Walking away would have been effective in shutting down the interaction in a non-confrontational manner.
I get that you felt physically unsafe in your gut instincts- your husband was not protecting you and not even believing you.
For contrast, a healthy spouse would do the following: If I told my BH that one of his friends was creeping me out, he would not let that guy around the house or even allow him to socialize with me and our kids. Regardless of his feelings about the situation. BH can't stand my abuser sister. I don't force him to interact with her- I go alone to social functions where she will be present. It's difficult, but a sacrifice I make for his sake. Why wasn't your BH willing to shield you from this situation from the get go? He could have ensured his brother was NEVER alone with you, let alone practically living with you.
Boundaries need to be reworked all around before you can even be sure of living in a safe situation for yourself. Let alone for your child.