SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am moving out and BS says I should take our 13 year old DS with me and that she will make the visitation arrangements plan. I feel like he is better off here with his mom, and she says no because if he is here that is leverage I have to come over to her house. I have fought moving out for years and she is done with me here using the kids as a reason to be here in her space. I don’t want to take him away from his mom, but also don’t want her to feel threatened. I don’t want to use him as leverage and want to do the right thing. What to do?

Hi WTR,

Perhaps its best to respect her wishes and give her the safe space she needs to heal.

I have fought moving out for years and she is done with me here using the kids as a reason to be here in her space

Are you using the kids as a way to keep her in your life? If so, the best thing you can do for her is respect her wishes.

Also, your son is 13, right. He may have a few opinions on the arrangements. Just because he stays with you for certain nights doesn't mean he doesn't sleep over at mom's as well. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but often when divorces are negotiated, the older kids are asked their opinion over their living arrangements. This may be best handled in front of a 3rd party mediator. They usually ask the kid alone what their thoughts are, to avoid interference or pressure to please one or the other parent. It's a delicate situation. Your kids are having their world knocked down and shaken to the foundations. It's important to focus on their well being and needs in all this. They didn't ask to be born. In all justice to them, it's the parents who need to put the kids first and themselves second.

Another thing to think about- hand offs. If your BW wants to have the security of keeping her house a WH free zone, perhaps her coming to your place or a neutral spot for the hand off could be best. That way, she can feel secure in having the agency to leave if she's flooding or overwhelmed by the situation.

Good luck in all of this.

I have to admit I'm shocked at her request. Most of the time, the BS doesn't trust that the kids are safe with their WS and will usually go out of their way to make sure the kids DON'T leave with them. In fact, in my own story, my wife didn't ask me to leave because she didn't trust the kids would be safe with me alone when I was not in a healthy state of mind to begin with. She was right to do so.

Can you explain a little better how the kids are being used for "leverage" here? You are already leaving the house. What is it about you being physically in the home that is concerning her so much that she's willing to give up "custody" of your son to prevent it? That makes no sense to me at all.

How does your son feel? I'll be honest, I feel like she's the one using your son here. Doesn't he feel like he's being rejected and /or punished here? It already feels like he's a pawn in the middle of your marital issues and I don't see that ending well for his emotional health. I'm more worried about how this affect him than anyone else. I grew up feeling unwanted and unprotected and I can tell you it's horrible and very, very, very damaging. Is she thinking of him at all.

Just floored.

This sounds a lot like what my mom pulled. She was just so hurt and mad at my dad after he cheated that she didn't want him in the house at all. I was a teenager and would drive with my little brother over to his house on a schedule to meet the divorce requirements.

I think she is really mad and wants control of her house as her space.

Does she have a touch of agoraphobia(fear of being out in public/outside)?
That was my mom after the affair. She was a bit like that previously and became a serious shut in for 3-4 years right afterward. She blamed my dad for making her afraid of people, but it was just a trigger for something she already has in her head.

You should probably take your son with you and see if you can just schedule the exchanges. It would giver her more control over her space.
Just be aware, my mom kind of made the house her own miniature prison right after the divorce. Might be your wife's direction as well. She feels helpless/powerless because she feels she couldn't keep you as a husband. You have been fighting to have "your space" she sees as you getting freedom and her getting more people in her prison.
This is all from my mom after her divorce, so your situation may be different. I tried to understand it with logic when I was a kid and it didn't make sense to me.
Like we tell the WS all the time. Give the BS what they want within reason right after discovery. She is on a rollercoaster of emotions that even she doesn't understand.

On the surface, it does appear surprising that your spouse would make this request. I think your history gives clues to your spouse's request.

You've been a member since 2011. As recently as 2020 or 2021 you've stated that you are still not getting the most basic concepts or changing.

If I had to guess what your spouse is going through, I'd say she is exhausted and finished with this marriage. She has probably tried her best to keep her family together and realizes that it's not working and is not best for the children, her, or you. Maybe you are starting to see the same.

Here's a quote from one of your previous posts:

Yet I insert my justifications into my thinking all the time, which turns otherwise simple conditions of service for my family into selfish choices.

How do I stop rationalizing and justifying alternative choices in my head? How do I accept simple yes or no answers when I always feel like there are so many details, extenuating circumstances that need explaining to give a full answer?

I have thought about this a lot and know I am certainly afraid of being wrong when the situation does not seem so black and white, so I try and make a choice that makes sense - despite it being contrary to the conditions of service and being here. It goes sideways every time, yet I keep doing it and am not learning. It really is simple yet I'm making it so hard.

I would say to listen to your wife's request this time. Don't rationalize or justify. Just let go. She obviously trusts that your son will be fine living with you for a time until custody is sorted out. Maybe you can grant her request with grace and kindness.

Edit: I also wanted to add that there were certainly times throughout this process that I felt so beaten that even as a BS, I wondered if I was the less healthy parent at that time. Being betrayed by a spouse messes with your mind.

[This message edited by humantrampoline at 6:07 PM, Monday, February 14th]

For your own reasons, you both are arguing over who has to have the kid.

I hope the two of you are,at the very least, not having their conversations with him in the house.

Because that's how he will feel. That neither of you want him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:48 PM, Monday, February 14th]

Thanks all. DaddyDom The leverage comes from years past when I lived out of the house for a while but would always find myself there "to take care of the kids" sometimes legit, but often that extended into stays. Basically is it the reason to be in the house. BS is not using him at all, she is not like that. She has also never kept the kids from me and encouraged as much time as possible so I think it is more that she does not want me here in the house.