SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, I am new to the site and have been reading a lot of the posts. I am thankful there is something like this for the wayward spouse. I have been searching for support and this site has been so helpful.

Here’s my story. I feel so ashamed but need to continue to talk about it and learn learn learn.

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have 2 beautiful children. I met my AF at work in 2015 and started an affair. The sad part is I knew I had issues with self esteem and seeking approval from men and did not get help because I never thought I would do anything like this. I never felt like our marriage was terrible. We had tough times financially, emotionally etc as we got married young, but nothing that couldn’t be improved by adequate communication and vulnerability.
Unfortunately, I had no clue how to do any of that.

My AF and I worked together in 2015, I have never been with anyone besides my husband so it went slow and i was a mess. I felt so out of control. He then decided to move jobs early 2016. I was relieved and so sad at the same time. We had slept together twice before he left. I for sure thought it would end but we had such a hard time not communicating. We lived only 20 minutes away from eachother but continued to text during the week and would see eachother every few months. I rationalized it by thinking we were friends that just chatted over text and occasionally saw eachother so did my best to compartmentalize. I was looking for approval and love and needing to feel attractive but also felt worse while I was in this situation. Such a weird phenomenon. Seeking this to feel better and then it made me feel good temporarily and then made me feel so shitty at the same time, but I couldn’t stop. This lasted 5 and a half years in the same fashion, texting, sexting, and in person meetings every few months. In October 2019, my husband got deployed. I was so upset he was leaving. It seemed like it would be the perfect time to see my AP more, but I did not want to. At the same time I needed my AP’s support emotionally as my husband was so disconnected and unsupportive. So messed up. Fast forward to March 2020. Covid, 2 kids, healthcare worker and husband still deployed. I was a mess. This is the point that I hit rock bottom. But such a blessing as I started to let myself feel. The affair continued intermittently but I kept wanting to break free and didn’t know how. I had that feeling the whole affair and broke it off many times but kept going back like an idiot. It all came to head when my AP was getting divorced and i had to choose. My husband came back a year after being deployed and it was a no brainer. I loved my husband. For so many reasons. I didn’t truly know my AP in his normal state of being, but I knew he was not a great person and not a person I would choose to be with long term. But the rose colored glasses… ugh. Anyway, my husband returned from deployment and there was no question that I wanted my husband. I broke it off. My AP was already dating other people. I continued to intermittent chat with the AP but there were weeks and months in between conversations and nothing romantic. Fast forward a year later to august 2021. The AP called me to get advice about the woman he was currently dating. At this point I had stopped deleting things and my husband had seen the call and asked me about it and I told him about the conversation. The very next day was D-day. He had suspected there was something that happened with me and this man. He asked once before we had started the physical portion back in 2015 and I denied it. It was not brought up again the whole 5.5 years. On d day my husband asked "what ever happened with you and $&@" and I told him. He was obviously devastated. All the anger all the feelings. A few days later he told me about the two woman he had been sleeping with since he was deployed and had continued to sleep with them once he got home for a total of 2 years. So yes, we are a mess. I’m in IC, we are both in MC. Some good days, some terrible days. I’ve been looking at the whys and taking full ownership of the devastation I have caused. I’m reading and learning and immersing myself in improving constantly. The part that hurts is all the hurt i have caused. I am also made to feel responsible for his affairs because I broke our vows and caused the disconnect between us allowing him to be in a frame of mind to cheat himself. We are working hard we love each other fiercely. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. I can’t believe i am here.

Wow Copec, I'm sorry you are here.

You had a LTA for 5.5 years and your BH had 2 affairs for 2 years. Because you were both betrayed and betrayers, you guys fall under the madhatter (MH) category. It's a real shit sandwich situation, since you will deal with WW and BW feelings depending on the day. As will your husband.

It's going to be a long road to recovery for you both, but there's some promising progress you both have shown early on:
-You admitted your A, and he did too
-Your husband is home and willing to go to MC
-You are in IC and becoming accountable for your choices.

Some things to keep in mind as you recover:
-Your BH's affairs are NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. There are tons of BS's on this site who were horrifically betrayed and yet did not stoop to their WS's level and cheat. HE was faced with a disconnected marriage and decided to cheat. HIS DECISION.
-You both have responsibility for the lonely, disconnected and unsupportive marriage you both were in.
-You have to address your why's (why do you need external approval, why do you need someone else to make you feel sexy, etc)
-Your husband has to address his why's- it is not your job to do his work for him.
-MC right now should be about communication skills and triage- there's too much chaos and pain between you guys to even consider working on the M right now. MC can be used more as a mediation space to learn the coping skills you are going to need to work through the pain.
-Is husband in IC? With veterans, there's a whole other set of issues going on with PTSD, isolation and living in such a cut off, insular environment as an army attachment. Coming home after the intensity of the trauma bonded unit to a slow, mundane life can be a shock in itself. Add the trauma of your LTA and his own PA's and you've got a right mess. He's going to need that help. ASAP. Does the VA have any counselors available?

Finally, what kind of support network do you have? Family? Friends? Do you have kids?

Hang in there, it's going to be a rough ride, but you're already off to a good start.

Thank you for your response. Yes, lots of layers. Support system is minimal. My mom and my sister and a few friends know. For him, the two woman is is with know, that is it. I have no contact with my AP, he has contact with his. They know eachother, but they don’t know that he has slept with the other. I don’t talk to my friends about it. My mom gives terrible advice, she just wants me to get divorced. She’s been remarried 4 times and so has my dad, so you can tell by that that I have no solid relationship or communication skills. We have two sweet boys. They don’t know anything. Im just really trying to focus on continuing to improve myself and learn how to support my husband as he grieves my infidelity. He is not in IC, he feels like MC is enough because his issues have everything to do with what I did. He has told me what he did was not wrong because I’m the one that broke the marriage vows so he was free to do anything. Even though he did not know for sure that I had cheated. But now he said of course he knew, but as always, hindsight is 20/20. I am in full discovery of the why. And I understand the boundaries I need to make and have so much more self love. I know how to take care of myself emotionally now. I basically tried to prevent feeling or conflict or any uncomfortable communication prior to the A. I also didn’t even know what boundaries were. Anyway, I’m trying to repair myself and take full ownership of my part. I can’t do that for him and I can’t force him to go IC. There is no excuse ever for having an affair, but he is not even to the point where he wants to delve into our pre A marriage because to him it is irrelevant and doesn’t excuse my behavior. He is justified in his behavior though because I broke the vows. I also struggle with not wanting to be walked all over and also doing the right thing to help him recover from my affair. It’s all so confusing.

I am a madhatter who was in your H's shoes. My H cheated on me before I cheated on him, but at the time of my affair, I didn't yet know about his ONS. His infidelity and subsequent cover-up put distance between us that I couldn't understand. His odd behavior exacerbated my insecurities, and he denied me my agency for almost two years. If he had told me the truth right after he cheated, I would have had the option of ending it with him and being a free agent when I met OM. I might have avoided becoming a WS myself. I see why your H is hurt and furious.

So that's why I feel on particularly solid ground in giving a big OH HELL NO to his claim that his cheating is your fault. If he was unhappy, he could have asked for a divorce. He could have asked for IC. He could have kept his pants zipped. Like any WS-in-training, he had many ethical options, and he chose the path that ended in someone else's genitals. That's broken and fucked up and entirely on him. Like hell "he doesn't need IC." Like hell he isn't accountable for his own bad choices the way you are for yours. And like hell he gets to stay in contact with his two APs.

I'm not giving myself a free pass, and I'm not standing by quietly while your H gives himself one, either. Nope nope nope. You both have a ton of work to do.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:38 AM, Tuesday, February 15th]

Hi,

We are madhatters too. I had an affair 4.5 years ago that lasted 2 months. H had an affair starting about 18 months later that went on for 18 months. Mine was long distance, 3 physical encounters, caleazy texting. His was conducted in our home with our employee and very sexual.

The blame game is out. Doesn’t work, won’t work.

You both have issues that you need to address within yourselves. Issues with boundaries, integrity, coping, and a host of other variables.

He is accountable to his actions, you are accountable towards yours.

All you can control is working on yourself and how you will conduct yourself moving forward and that needs to be a lot of your efforts.

You also should read in the healing resources how to be a good rebuilder. You both should make a list of what you want from the other in terms of specific things you want to see happen in the relationship, things you want them to do to help you have a good environment in which you can heal, and both of you need to work on your whys. Why’s are always internal, not external.

From that list of whys you need to figure out how you are going to patch up the holes in your character that created the whys.

I recommend Ic for both of you. Don’t do marriage counseling yet it’s a waste of time if you all do not have clarity over your own selves. Marriage counseling can be helpful once you are past that’s stage.

I recommend you both read rising strong together and discussing it as you go through it.

His affairs are not your fault, any more than yours are not his. Loving each other properly starts with living yourselves. Same goes for respect. It’s hard work but when done right you can reconcile. It will take complete dedication from both of you.

Thank you all for your responses, such great advice. I had a good discussion with him last night about his AP’s and it went well. Also about his responsibility for his cheating. He acknowledged his part and didn’t make me feel like I forced him to choose that path. I never used to communicate, especially hard things so I am just so happy with the progress I see in myself. I continue to do the work because I know I am broken. I think that’s what gets me through, is I know what I need to do to learn and grow and improve myself and I need to continue on that path. A significant portion of that is supporting him as best as I know how and he’s made lists of things I can do. And on my side, I have set up boundaries, which I never had previously. A lot of work, but I don’t want yo go back to the person I was and the marriage we had before the A. I am hopeful right now. That changes from minute ro minute. Thank you for all your support and advice, it is very helpful. And that post about what yo do as the wayward spouse it fantastic!

I'm encouraged that he's acknowledging his responsibility, but don't accept a dynamic where you do the work now in exchange for promises that he will do his later. Those of us who wear a WS hat have to get to work immediately to figure out why we use toxic methods to self-soothe. That's true even while we're wearing the BS hat of shock, anger and grief. Sometimes it's complicated when one partner's A was longer or more serious than the other's, but both of you engaged in very significant levels of betrayal here. There's no excuse for delay.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 5:01 PM, Tuesday, February 15th]

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:17 PM, Wednesday, February 16th]

Seaandsun,

I am trying to understand your comments. What I did was absolutely devastating, I’m not trying to minimize that. As far as the timeline of events, my husband and I have reviewed it over and over. And yes, I don’t deserve a second chance, I don’t deserve much and I understand that. I’m not sure if you are a WS or a BS but I think only wayward spouses that are wanting to reconcile understand that you can still love your spouse and cheat. I know it sounds weird, but I loved him and love him so much. My cheating has to do with my personal issues, coping, childhood, poor communication, approval seeking. Nothing in our marriage was bad enough to ever be an excuse for cheating. Neither are my personal issues. There is no excuse. All I know is that I have learned about myself and grown. I am beyond thankful that my husband sees enough good in me and our love to at least heal through this together, whether we end up together or apart when all is said and done. If he chooses to move on, we will at least know that 💯 effort has been put into healthy healing so that any relationships he pursues later on will not be scarred by what I have done to him. My actions are not a reflection of who he is. My parents have both been remarried multiple times over. I want to change that cycle for my kids. I want to show them what real hard unconditional love is. What communication is, how to feel. All those things I never had. I want yo break the cycle of damage that has been passed on. Including my own destructive cycle. I wish you well, good luck with what you may be struggling with. Take care.

Thank you for removing that post from Seaandsun, it sent me into a shame spiral that I can’t overcome right now.

Hi copec, Those sorts of posts can be really hard when you are first here.

Many ws who show up here do so in pain. The reason behind the pain can be different. Some are ashamed for getting caught, some are prescribed by their spouse, and others like you and I show up because we have no idea what to do or how to do it but we are acutely aware that we have royally screwed up on every level and want to find our way back.

We are all redeemable, it just takes work. My suggestion when receiving these things is just know there are a lot of people in pain on this website. A betrayed spouse especially. They see you understandably through the same lens as the person who hurt them so badly. And some of them
have horror stories beyond your imagination. Not that there is any cheating that is good. It’s best to mentally side step sometimes if what they have to say is not helpful. Other times it may hurt deeply but will be instrumental in your understanding of your husband. I didn’t see the persons post.

For now, use your stop sign like you already have until you have your bearings. Then when you are ready stop using it. Just expect that you will have people in all gradients of healing or non-healing that see you through their own filter. I know some of the hard stuff said to me helped me with my own reckoning but you are not yet ready for that.

Take care, keep posting, and just try and take what resonates and leave the rest. Not everything deserves your response. I hope that is helpful and that things continue to progress in your situation. We are here when you need us.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, I really appreciate the response and advice. I need aaaalllllll the help I can get:)