SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm about to go through with a divorce. Its been a few weeks since my husband confessed his affair and his AP is pregnant with his baby.
I have never felt such heartache and pain. I am still numb. My husband has begged for forgiveness and asked me to take time, but I cant live with knowing that another woman is pregnant with my husband. I want to end this amicable and I don't want to fight. I am filing on Tuesday. I just want to know, is it better after you've cut ties? This Affair is no longer my problem. It's his alone. I just want to be free from all this stress and pain.

Yes, it does. But it won't happen overnight.

Lots of emotions and feelings to process. Lots of loose ends to tie up. But it eventually does.

You just have to be truly sure that this is what you really want.

If you don’t have kids then I would imagine that a complete and clean break is the best route, and if there are children then establishing child support prior to the birth of his new child will prioritize support for yours in some cases.

I don’t see a downside of going this route now rather than later after even more heartache.

Healing wishes to you in the future.

OrdinaryDude and Forks027 Thank You. We do not have a child yet. I'm expecting. Very early. I haven't told him yet. Thats
how early along I am.
I don't want a Divorce.I don't want any of this. But it's my reality. I know that my marriage won't survive this. I know it is better to end it,now.

Whether you D or Reconcile your life is what you make it.

The pain of his affair will not magically disappear. It will slowly fade - as in time heals all wounds. It will take time to heal.

I am 8 years out from my H’s affair. My healing was progressing but at 3 years out I was still not feeling as positive as I would have liked.

I stumbled across a YouTube video by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. I’m not a YouTube fan but decided to watch it. I hope you find this helpful b/c it really made an impact on me.

Let’s say you are in a car accident and you break your arm. The accident wasn’t your fault (same with the affair). However it is up to you to heal your broken arm. No one can do that for you. While you will have help (therapy, doctor etc) if you don’t do the work then you will not fully heal.

Same with life. Your H cheated. Not your fault. But your H can only do so much to help you heal. The rest is up to you. No matter which option you choose.

The lesson I learned is that if I’m not happy with my life, it is my responsibility to fix it. It’s not up to my H to make me "happy". And morally and ethically I don’t “deserve” to be happy at the expense of hurting others either.

Your H cheated. It is not and never will be your fault. He doesn’t “deserve happiness” as his reason for cheating. He chose to cheat. He wanted to cheat. Period.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:58 AM, Monday, February 21st]

SO much better for me. I think you're making a smart move for your emotional health. You didn't get to choose your circumstances, but you do get to choose what you'll live with in the future. I've been a single mom most of my kids' lives and it is very doable. It's hard, but all parenting is hard. Every moment of single parenthood was easier than every day I lived with a person who had cheated on me, and I didn't even have the extra complication that you have of him getting an OW pregnant.

You will be just fine. It will be rough for a while and painful, but you will heal and you will have joy in your life.

The BIG DIFFERENCE between your divorce and many others is that you are expecting a child.
A key factor in recovery is creating distance between the ex and yourself. If you two didn’t have a child you could simply move on and within 1-2 years you wouldn’t be sharing Christmas cards or have any reason whatsoever to be in contact.

With a child you two will be forced to have some form of contact. Especially for the first 1-2 years of the child’s life because of the close connection between mother and child. Later – as a 4–18-year-old – it’s easier to just drop them off and pick them up next Monday or whatever. But the first two years… it’s harder. Coincidentally these are also the toughest post-divorce years irrespective of children.

There can also be a limitation on residence. With a child part of the custody arrangement can be that you live within a certain defined distance to each other. Once again the repeated advice given to you: Talk to an attorney.

All those suggesting she file for CS right away: Not possible. It’s not possible until the child is born. With OW 4-6 months pregnant it’s doubtful Limo can file for CS before the OW and she can’t file until the divorce process is quite well along its path. That is – unless her then-ex-husband can somehow delay the paternity process regarding the OC until the divorce and custody is over.

I feel this post to my marrow.

Dday for me was 5 years ago this month.

I wanted to die, the pain was so bad.

Here I am, and my hand to God, I have never been happier.

You have to go through a very shitty process to get here. Do not try to shortcut it---a lot of people do, because the pain is so bad that you'll do almost anything to mitigate it (spend too much, drink too much, sleep around too much, get a new boyfriend, run away, whatever). Sit in the pain, go through the process, and in 5 years, you're going to be here, whole and complete and healed, with your hand out, helping someone else out of the pit.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

freetogonow Thank You for your beautiful statement! I just need to hear it will be okay. I just feel so alone. I question am I doing the right thing? I have heard horror stories and I am going through it, but I don't know if I'm wanting to divorce so quickly because I am in so much pain. I have been through so much in my life. I was engaged young, before. I was in a very violent relationship and he caused me to miscarriage at 7 months. He beat me almost daily. Compared to my husband now. Its night and day. Even though my Husband cheated and impregnated another woman. He is trying g to be better, he doesn't want a divorce he apologized profusely every day. He seems to be putting effort in doing better. My Ex before would have never acknowledged my pain. He would have blamed me for his infidelity and would gaslight me and beat me for questioning his actions.
Am I rushing too quickly and maybe throwing away a reconcilable relationship? My Mother feels I am. She told me to slow down just separate for a while. Come home to Florence and then make the choice. I haven't even told my husband about my pregnancy. I just feel I'm doing so much wrong and air may make decisions that will end up making what's already bad, worse.

Getting away to your mother's and getting some space and time could be a good step. It would get you out of the immediate influence of the situation and possibly allow for a different look at things. Its not a bad idea and you don't have to decide right now. You can also, start the process and halt it if you feel that during the build up to the divorce, things have changed.

I had to get away from my X to make the decision.

You're the only one who can answer if you're "rushing".

In hindsight, I wish that I had left my ex-husband back in the mid 1990's when I first realized he was cheating on me. I did not, because I had a young son who was very attached to him and he'd already been through one divorce---I felt like I would deprive him of a "father figure" if I put him through another divorce.

That was a huge mistake. My son is in his mid-30's and he will be the first one to say, "mom you should have left him years ago."

You have one precious and ever-shortening life. Do you want to waste it with a cheater? I'm telling you that you are better ALONE than with a cheater.

You have a traumatic history and so you're going to second guess your decisions. Ask yourself this, if you were giving advice to a friend, what would you tell that friend? Would you say, "oh by all means stay with this asshole who got his girlfriend pregnant and who will likely never ever be faithful, I'm sure that's going to be a GREAT example for the baby to emulate." Or would you say, "Leave and create a beautiful life for yourself and your baby, without a man for a good long while until you get some therapy and get your poop in a group, so that you can be HEALTHY and make good firm decisions about things without questioning your own judgment."

Which advice would you give?

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be extremely painful. It will take some time to get over this. But there is life after divorce. Have you considered going to counseling? It was tremendously helpful for me to make good decisions regarding my marriage. You will eventually get over the pain but it takes work and we are here for you.

Am I rushing too quickly and maybe throwing away a reconcilable relationship?

Limincello, I honestly feel you are... Something in your gut does not feel right, i.e. you don't want a divorce... Sometimes, what your brain tells you doesn't really mean it is Universal Truth.
Life occasionally puts us thru challenges, we should learn and experience to grow...

If your WH is willing to become a safe and supportive and caring husband (you mentioned in your other posts that he has the capacity to be a great father) and work on becoming the best version of himself, why discard this relationship?

Hope you find Peace!

why discard this relationship?

She didn't. Her husband did.

When someone cheats, they broke the relationship. They killed it. They are the ones who ended it. When a BS decides to divorce, they are merely putting paperwork on what already happened. It is never the BS who threw away a marriage. Never. No matter how sad the WS is or how much potential to become a different person the WS has, the BS is never ever the one who discarded the relationship. It isn't ever on the BS to "save" what was already destroyed. If the WS can do amazing things to convince the BS to give them a chance for a new relationship, fine.

It's never a great idea to stay in a relationship because of the "potential" of a WS. Potential means shit unless they reach that potential and most will not. Even if they actually do reach that potential, the relationship is permanently altered. It will never be what it was. I don't feel it's ever our place to try and talk someone into going back to a WS. It is 100% the job of the WS in question to give them a good reason to. There are millions of other men in this world who already have their shit together. To ask her to settle for this one because one day he might be a good man isn't rational, in my opinion.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 4:23 PM, Friday, February 25th]

DD, 100% agree with you on this:

She didn't. Her husband did.

When someone con heats, they broke the relationship. They killed it. They are the ones who ended it.

However, nothing is black and white. Yes, this M is dead. But it is possible to build a new M that can be way better. I didn't mean "relationship" as M per se. My point was the relationship between 2 people, LC and her WH.

What I can't agree with you on is your statement that there are millions of ppl who can become one's potential partner. Our lives are subject to "unknown (to humans) laws" per St. Augustine.

It's Limoncello's 2nd marriage. Only she knows if she follows the same patterns in both of her M's or her current H is very different from the 1st. If her ex and this WS follow the same pattern in her partner pick, it definitely time to break the pattern.

What I can't agree with you on is your statement that there are millions of ppl who can become one's potential partner. Our lives are subject to "unknown (to humans) laws" per St. Augustine.

Well, I mean there literally are millons of people who could become one's potential partner. I am assuming you have a faith-based different view and that's okay. I've also been married twice to very different men. Neither of those worked out for different reasons. When I left my first husband, I thought I'd never find someone else. Oddly enough, I did indeed fall out of love with him and find others to form relationships with. When I left my XWH, I didn't believe I would ever not love him and yet here I am, not loving him. Love doesn't have to be a permanent state nor should it chain us to those who hurt us.

But certainly one can have a good co-parenting relationship after a divorce. My 1st husband and I are friends now. I care about him very much and we speak regularly. He wasn't a good husband, but that doesn't mean he's not a worthy human being.

Truthispower - let me give you a slightly different scenario.

I have a car right? It breaks down all the time and the tire falls off and bolts fall out of it while I'm driving down the road. I worry constantly about breaking down and how much it's costing me, and what big thing will break next and if I will be able to afford the repairs. It is a classic car though, so if it was cherry it would be worth a lot.

So my choice is to keep throwing money into this rattletrap hoping to get it purring again, OR take my money and do my homework and go buy a newer and more reliable car that I won't have these sorts of worries about.

I know a person isn't a car, but do you see where I'm going with this? Sometimes investing more into something is NOT a logical or reasonable thing to do, no matter how much you love it and wish it would work the way it should.

As for the thought of there being millions of others.... there's approximately 7 billion people on this planet, half-ish of which are men. So of those 3.5 billion dewds, even if only .001% of those dewds were a good match for me age-wise and circumstance-wise, that's still 35,000 potential matches for me - any one of which probably has their shit together more than my xwh or would treat me better or might not have wandering penis syndrome the way he did.

Also - did you miss the part that the ap is pregnant? I know for me that would be an insurmountable impediment to R.

Limoncello, I can tell you after 3+ years on SI, I have yet to see any BS ever say they regret divorcing their ws. I see a whole lot of them say they regret staying with their ws, I see a whole lot saying they regret spending time trying to R when they knew they couldn't, but not a single one that regrets divorcing after all is said and done. I can tell you for me, as much as divorce suuuuuucked (and it did), life after is sweeter and more peaceful and happier and better than I ever even imagined it could be. Being free of infidelity is indescribably beautiful. Sending you hugs and strength!!

For me, there were stages of better. I lasted about 7 months from D-day#2 when I pulled the plug. It felt hopeless, and quite frankly as I look back, it was hopeless. My STBXWW just did not have it in her to address the damage she had cause in any meaningful way. Us, the very best person due could be post A, was no longer good enough for me. I recognized that living with her was killing me. My heart broke every morning moments after I awoke and the realization hit me anew. I was no way to live.

Themoment I spoke the words, I felt an albatross cut from my neck. I cannot express the feeling of overwhelming peace I felt. Sure, there was grief as well,but it felt different.

The real feeling of release came when I got a place of my own. It was actually exciting to be standing on my own two feet. I felt like a young man again. Since then, my journey has been nonlinear in nature. I have good days and not so good days. U have learned to embrace the difficult days and learn from them rather than fight them. In fact, I've learned to embrace the difficult moments as a way of getting through stuff.

I'm 3.5 years out of D-day#2,and right were I guess I should be given the aggregate experience on this site. I should be able to sign my separation agreement next week and be D shortly after. I imagine I might feel something then, but I am sufficiently distanced my my STBXWW that it probably won't have anything to do with her.

I don't know if any of this helps, but after 3.5 years, I feel okay, not happy, but content. I hope things work out for you. Stay strong and know that you can and will get through this.

MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER on the other side. Even pregnant. You will have some trials and tribulations because of that and it will depend on how your WWH acts. No excuse for cheating, none. That's just rationalization. Read my profile (25 years, 6 affairs, abuse of my kids) there's no way you should stay with a cheater, there is no guarantee he has learned. Your best bet is clean break, raise your child. If he WANTS to help, so be it. HE will likely lose interest.

I am so sorry for your pain.

There is no right or wrong answer and your choice is what you make of it.

You can choose happiness whether D or R or separated. It is your path to choose the outcome that is best for you.

Sometimes it’s just not a good idea to hang on to a bad investment if you know what I mean.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:50 PM, Monday, March 21st]