SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read this somewhere else and thought it was worth sharing.

"Often people who blame exes for the failure of the relationship tend be self involved and do not take accountability.

And if your relationship goes south, you can be 100% certain that they'll blame you for the relationship failing too."

I experienced this when my ex-husband left me for his AP. I was the source of all his sorrow. All he needed was a change of venue and then he'd be happy lol.

Turns out, not so much.

Right here and now I will tell you that anyone I might date who says anything approaching this...we done lol.

So if I told someone my marriage failed b/c my H cheated that would be a red flag? Or paint me in an unflattering light?

What if that is the truth?

Just curious how someone who was a betrayed would answer that question.

I am going to use "I" and "me" statements. I am talking about myself and no one else here.

There is a fine line between assuming responsibility for my ex-husband's actions which would be accepting blame for what I did not do, and owning what I did within the marriage that was destructive, unhelpful, damaging.

As they say no one is perfect....including a BS. 100% of the people on this planet are flawed human beings, including me. And, I have made a LOT of changes since my marriage ended 5 years ago, and there are 100% things I learned about myself, and things that I've changed and will NEVER do again. Unhealthy behaviors, codependent behaviors, etc etc. I mean when I look back, my mind is just blown at how pathetic and weak I was, honestly.

I'm not responsible for what he did, but it's a stone cold fact that if the person I am today, had gone on that first date with him back in 1992, there wouldn't have been a second date lol.

If someone who was cheated on doesn't have a similar tale of introspection and growth to tell, then I would say I'm not feeling the vibe, wish you the best in your quest for love but it's not going to be with me.

I get what you're saying I think but ehhhhhh, nope, my marriage definitely 100% ended because my spouse wanted to screw 18 year olds and I didn't. My spouse wanted to date and fuck other women and I didn't. My spouse expected me to "get on board" with his new "poly" life (and pay for all of it too mind you). Nooooooope.

Am I perfect? Absolutely not and have never once claimed to be so. I have learned and grown immensely from this period of my life and can share those things about me and use those lessons to improve myself going forward. Was I a perfect wife? Again, not even close. Looking back, I see the issues I had and how point a led to point b and how my own foo and all played into the wife I was. I have worked and am actively working on that and am happy to share my insights about myself with an SO in the future.

But my marriage ending IS 100% on my xwh and I accept NO responsibility the choices he made and the actions he took that led to that. If me saying that is a red flag to someone... *shrug*

I am reading FTGN’s OP as the red flags are more about the dynamics between her and her XWH. I see that in my marriage, too.
I was a great wife. Really. Not perfect, but really good. BUT. I didn’t look at the red flags that were flying about me. About how I was losing myself to be that great wife. How I was losing friendships. I was losing my individuality. How I was walking on eggshells because I was afraid to rock the boat. How I was afraid (terrified, really) of abandonment. These were the red flags I ignored that were about me.

Now I also ignored the GIANT FREAKING RED FLAGS my XWH was shoving in my face. My spirit animal appears to be an Ostrich with Olympic level head-in-sand talents.

Am I too blame for my M ending? No. 100% no.
But I am to blame for not taking care of my needs.

If you have someone who blames their ex 100%, yes. If nothing else it would be a sign that they haven't healed fully. You want someone who takes ownership. Even the answer of I choose poorly and this is what I'm requiring to avoid doing so again shows ownership in what they can do. You can't control anyone besides yourself. That another is to blame might be the truth, but focusing solely on that while ignoring those things within your control is kind of setting you up for a repeat.

I know with a certainty there's nothing I could have done personally to save my first marriage. If I'm asked I don't answer with my ex is all to blame. I go with we didn't meet each others needs and shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. It's what I led with when wife and I started dating afterwards. It is also not a lie, as assured faithfulness of my spouse is pretty high on my list of needs. My wife has a much clearer picture of what went on now.

I'm not perfect to which my wife will attest. If this marriage doesn't survive to death do us part, fwiw I'm pretty sure it will, it will not be because of one of us. But because of both of us. The change I made this time was to ensure that my partner was as invested in the long term as I. My ex never really was. I kind of knew that but thought she would grow out of it.

So why did your marriage end freetogonow?

This is why it's so important to watch people's actions instead of their words.

My current boyfriend ended his marriage for the same reasons that I did - infidelity and drug abuse on the part of his wife. Both of our marriages did end due to the other's actions, but what attracted me most to him was the fact that he OWNED his co-dependent part of the relationship (like I do). We both wanted to be better versions of ourselves for our future partners. Could we 100% blame our exes? Sure, we could. But it was more important to understand and fix HOW we ended up in that situation.

My ex still seems to get a string of girlfriends, so I'm only guessing as to what he could possibly be telling them. But his actions never match his words, and that's still a problem with him. So I don't feel like he's going to find what he's looking for, because the hole is in him.

Bearly—- spot on. I was not perfect but I was willing to do the work.

Heart full of holes—the final straw on the camels back was that he chose his AP over me. But there were already a lot of straws up there, some of which were my doing lol.

freetogonow I agree with you. It's true that those who blame the other person, are self involved and really take no responsiblity for their own actions. I didn't blame my ex...he was just another narc addicted sociopath making his way in the world. Did I hate him? Sure. Felt rage? Absolutely...and decided very early on to figure out why I attracted someone like that and why I stayed so long. That was where the healing started.

I'm not responsible for what he did, but it's a stone cold fact that if the person I am today, had gone on that first date with him back in 1992, there wouldn't have been a second date lol.
I can totally relate to this. Me too!

If someone who was cheated on doesn't have a similar tale of introspection and growth to tell, then I would say I'm not feeling the vibe, wish you the best in your quest for love but it's not going to be with me. My last boyfriend of 2 years was exactly this. He had many wonderful qualities, and it was a good first long term relationship after my divorce, and we're still friends (not something I typically do but we do get along really well and have mutual friends), but there was much that after 2 years was not sustainable and I broke it off. This was actually one of the many 'negatives' about him by the end of the relationship.

I'm not responsible for what he did, but it's a stone cold fact that if the person I am today, had gone on that first date with him back in 1992, there wouldn't have been a second date lol.

Ha same this is so true!

Just curious how someone who was a betrayed would answer that question.

I can give you a list of my flaws, as they exist right now. I can give you a list of my flaws, as they existed during both of my failed marriages. The good news/bad news is that these lists are not the same (although there is some overlap) and I am working to get better. I am evolving... as everyone should (and evolution is probably something that you can't even prevent). Even looking at my flaws, I don't think that I caused the end of my marriage.

I also think that if you were to listen to my ex-wife, she would give you a list of my flaws (many of which are true) and she would claim those flaws caused the end of our marriage. I would respond by saying that she is entitled to her opinion, but most of "my flaws" on her list involve my response to her infidelity.

The odd thing is that I regret how I responded to my ex-wife's infidelity and I'd like to think that I would handle it better if I had to do it all over again... but at the same time, I wasn't prepared for such a huge violation of trust like that.

I do get where you are coming from, but I think your original blanket statement needs some nuance. I think it is a red flag if someone thinks they were the perfect partner or want to live with the non-committal statement of I made mistakes. The reality is many of us are divorced because our ex couldn't become a safe partner. This is not an indication that we do not own our own relationship dysfunctions or that we are doing nothing to remedy them. To be honest, being in a committed relationship tends to make it easier to identify and work on these dysfunctions. When we are single it is very easy to just live with the status quo and that often leads to stagnation. While I will never accept responsibility for the actions of my ex or the demonizing she has done to assuage her actions I did initially try to look for any kernel of truth in her statements. I eventually learned with a disordered person this was not productive.

I blame myself for staying way too long in an absolutely toxic relationship. My ex is still toxic with his current. I have lots of flaws but I think he's someone who is just very very hard to relationship with.

One of the things that I initially really liked about my current partner that I saw as a green flag is how respectful and kind he was towards his ex-wife/coparent. He took a LOT of the blame for their relationship ending and to be fair I do see his point about the things he did wrong. BUT after being with him for 3.5 years I see very very clearly who should take most of the blame, and it isn't him. But from her POV it was all his fault. Just interesting to see how that plays out.

My spirit animal appears to be an Ostrich with Olympic level head-in-sand talents.

Yes, I completely agree with reflecting on your role as an important concept in having a good life. It relates to the idea of a Growth Mindset, which has been buzzy lately. If you believe that it is your duty as a human being to grow and learn on your life journey, then owning mistakes is par for the course. What type of mistakes? My biggest error with my H is that I chose him, overlooked his flaws, and saw him as good partner material. And then, due to codependency, I tried to care take our way to a better M instead of having boundaries with him, which I had no clue how to enforce. This created a toxic, lopsided M with an entitled H. I practically told him he could do what he wanted without using words. I was weak and did not prioritize myself, and I fully own that. I valued the M over my own dignity.

Now I have learned.

Now I have grown.

Now I am different.

I do not trust people who don't have their own list of relationship errors and instead focus on their role as victim. Are there victims in life? Yes. But not as often in partnerships and in relationships where there is a chosen and created dynamic and where people are responsible for how they are treated. And even if blindsided, feeling the victim is not a place you should remain. Eventually you should move to a place of growth and learning from the experience, and when someone speaks of that growth, I know that we can create a healthy dynamic. Without it, I am very skeptical that the R or friendship or family connection can ever be a strong one. My mom never owns her role in anything, and that red flag tells me what I already know: she is not capable of having open, healthy relationships.

And isn't knowing where your blame in the demise of an R begins and ends about having good boundaries with yourself? Everyone should be able to see that clearly without defensiveness, fear, or shame. That's a healthy relationship to have with yourself, boundaries around your own emotions and what you will/will not accept.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:28 AM, Wednesday, March 23rd]