SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My Husband Confessed to me his AP is pregnant with his baby. I posted quite a bit on the Just found out forum. I have recieved incredible advice and encouragement. I moved to this forum because after a weekend with my husband. And just having good, honest conversation. After him flying home, he said he thought about me. How I must feel. How HE blew up our marriage and how he's dragging me at this point. There's no point of us being married. we no longer live together, I live 5 hrs away. I am pregnant, but I am able and willing to do this on my own. Long story short. He said he will sign the divorce papers. Now I have this new chapter to deal with. I also have to realize I'm a Single Mom. This just all hit me! Even though I know its what's best. I think I had a panic attack today. Any advice from those who may be further along and successful in the process. I would greatly appreciate it.

SO proud of you for taking this BIG step. Your kids got a badass momma!

I don’t have kids, so I can’t help there.
But make sure you are getting all the financial support you and your children deserve — it will help.

And yeah, little panic attacks happen. But soon enough you will feel the release of tension when you aren’t tiptoeing around him.

Hang in there and be proud of yourself.

You definitely should have a good attorney for this, and figure out whether you want to file where you are now, or where you came from, as that court will have jurisdiction and which jurisdiction/judge can have an impact on results. Most likely you’ll want closer to you, as it makes things easier, but if you don’t think you’ll be there long-term, or the laws are different, then you may want to file in your original jurisdiction.

The biggest thing you have to keep in mind is thinking *really* long term about your kiddo and custody and paying for things. Being that far away, how are you going to handle splitting time? And however you do it with an infant will have to change over time as the child gets older. Who’s covering health insurance and how will you deal with deductibles? What about schooling, daycare, eventually driving, and in some areas you can address college expenses. Ensure he has life insurance to cover the lifetime of child support, if something should happen to him.

It’s a lot, and it can definitely be overwhelming, but it’s also a long process and you’ll have help. I found that research really helped my anxieties – researching visitation variations, the divorce process, sample agreements, etc. (I waded through a ton of Catwoman’s posts because she’s seen it all!) The knowledge helped tamp down the fear of the unknown. And make sure you take a look at the pinned thread here – you’ll see your fears are not unique, and seeing others get past theirs can help. And keep talking to us! You’re not alone through this process, I promise.

Limoncello, I have been following your story and wanted to offer support. I'm so sorry for all you are enduring, and sorry the idea of single mom triggered a panic response. I hope you can reframe that to I'm going to be a mom and enjoy caring for yourself and waiting to meet your child.

I never had a panic attack in my life until I was living in false recovery with my gaslighting, minimizing, love professing WH. The attacks scared me very much and I have had more than I can remember since DDay1. It is frightening to be unable to control a physical response like that. It has helped me to learn about the chemical cascade in the brain that causes the panic, and to recognize the initial adrenaline jolt that precedes the hyperventilation and insane rapid heartrate. I wear a fitbit HR monitor and read that to stop the adrenaline response the heart rate needs to stay under 100. Using the real time data on the app, I can watch the heartrate spike and I have learned to think and breathe my way through them, and using controlled breathing I can get the rate down, under the 100 mark, which is a psychological thing for me, as it lets me feel in control while helping stop the tachycardia response.

Another technique I used that worked well for my brain was to take that chemical surge and reframe it to excitement, by thinking of something wonderful or exciting from my memory archives, or a bucket list dream I have for myself. I learned I can't stop my body's response to emotional stress as well as I can the physical, but I can manage it better now than I could in the earlier days. I hope any of these techniques may be of help.

You may be a single mom, but you have the love of friends and family and the support of so many kind souls here. I can't help with advice on the other side of D, as I am still in R limbo, but for the first time in 4 years, I can comfortably envision a future alone and that is huge progress for me. None of us know what our future may hold, but you have taken such a brave step to make your future your own, without the complications or disappointments or unresolved issues of a relationship you cannot trust.

Best to you, and your new person. I hope you are taking the best care of yourself, and are able to enjoy the best parts of the pregnancy, the planning and the nesting. Best to you, and hugs for the tough moments. They will pass, they always do.

I can give you the single mom perspective. Is it harder? Maybe. Harder than parenting with a good spouse, easier than parenting in a bad marriage. My kids are 21 and 17 now. I was a single parent from the time my 17-year-old was 1 and only had the step-parent break for a couple of years. I did it. There were hard nights and hard days and there were moments of beauty and love so powerful that I can't express it. There's one pretty special thing that comes from being a single parent, and that's the bond you create with your kids. It's a special bond. It's gorgeous. My kids and I are darned near roommates at this point. We're mom and son and daughter and also three very close friends now that they're grown. I honestly wouldn't change it at this point. I wouldn't alter what we have. Their father and I became friends a few years after our divorce and that was helpful, but it took a few years to get to that point. Emotions had to die down. I've given him relationship advice with his girlfriends and he helped me move when I left my XWH. That's a best case scenario, but not a necessary one. What is really going to matter is the relationship you develop with your child. It will be like nothing else and it will be worth every sleepless night and "I forgot to tell you that I have a project due tomorrow" at 10pm, lol. You can do this.

Single Mom here. In my experience, it would have better for my children if they would have been raised by me-alone- from the beginning. Why? Because we had an entire history /foundation with their Dad that got pulled out from under them. We had a lake house, boat, 4 wheelers, sports, dad taking youngest to school every morning, Dad at Band concerts, sporting events,extended family in the mountains, etc. it all got jerked away AND they got replaced with other children.

It just broke my heart in 2.

It would have been better for them to have a solid life, provided by me, a strong foundation and teen years that were what they always had/security.

I almost left my now xh when I was pregnant bc he was sneaking to topless bars while I was pregnant and no boundaries with women. But I thought I was blowing things out of proportion, and I thought my baby needed a daddy.

My advice is -while he’s in a bargaining mood, move to where you have family/friends that will come to your child’s school events, where you have honest, genuine men who will mentor your child.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:19 AM, Tuesday, April 19th]

I was a half time single mom as my H traveled all over the world. Our 2nd child was 2 weeks old snd he had to go to a very far away country.

Then a few weeks later he had to return to the sane country.

I was lucky to have a sibling who helped. And friends who helped if needed.

There was a year my H commuted to the opposite coast every week for 49 weeks. Leave Monday morning and home Friday on a red eye.

You will survive. You will manage. Get some help for yourself that your STBXH can help pay for. Look for Nannies and babysitters — there are great people out there who are a god-send.

You can do this and you will figure it out. No one is a perfect parent but you can rely on some instincts and advice if friends as family.

Oh my... Those are some very challenging circumstances. Counseling?

Harder than parenting with a good spouse, easier than parenting in a bad marriage.

Love this!

I am empty-nesting now. As I look back at the last decade, I can tell you I don't have one moment where I thought "This is hard - I wish EX was still here". Build your village of support and march on your path. You are way stronger than you ever dreamed. Will you have days where you close your bedroom door and cry, cry in the shower, etc. YES. But you let that emotional release out, and keep stepping ahead. I know it is hard to believe, but you will blink and be sitting at HS graduation as a proud, strong parent.

I know there are folks on here that had to deal with the AP's pregnancy/half sibling portion - so I am sure there will be lots of help with dealing with those scenarios as well.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Please align all the support you can and let them help.