There is a difference between wanting an inappropriate relationship with an underage girl and carrying it out, so I’m not going to call you out as a sexual predator or anything of that sort. I have long thought – irrespective of this particular instance – that there is a tendency of watering out the concept of sexual predator, lumping someone guilty of urinating in public with someone with rape or molestation in the same group.
I will – as others have done – congratulate you on the courage of sharing your story here with us.
I’m also quite proud of the SI community and most of the responses here. The Wayward forum is a tough forum and it’s so imperative that those that contribute do so in a respectful and kind a manner as possible. This is a sensitive topic and I think if it triggers someone then maybe it’s just best to contribute to some other topic.
I agree with Daddydom that it does sound like you have issues and I strongly suggest you read Daddydom’s post.
I also want to say that even if there was no attachment to the stepdaughter this would be a relationship that should be seriously challenged. What with the age-difference and your wife’s past of the on/off relationship with her ex and short period since their last separation. I think this relationship was facing an uphill struggle from day one.
But… the Pink Elephant is definitely what happened between you and your stepdaughter…
I want to reply trying to view this as a parent – as I would imagine (and hope) the mother and father of the stepdaughter might/should view the situation. Hopefully this might help you understand the reluctance to have you in their family-unit.
It’s well known that boyfriends of single moms/divorced moms are statistically one of the highest risks for abusing their spouse’s child. Some reliable research indicates that the risk of physical and/or sexual abuse rises by a factor of over 40 if a single mom get’s a live-in boyfriend. That is a significant and noteworthy increase.
Note the basis is relatively low so an increase of 40 doesn’t mean all foster-dads (or even a majority) are abusive. And note it’s both physical and/or sexual. But it’s STILL a significant increase.
If I were a mother and single mom – or if I was the dad of a child being raised by my ex – I would be aware of that risk and monitor any new romantic interest and interactions with the children.
I’m male, so let’s imagine I had an ex-wife and joint custody of a teenage daughter. If my ex got a boyfriend I couldn’t (and shouldn’t!) intervene in her choice of partner. She’s my ex – she lives her own life. But I would want to know how that person interacts and treats my daughter. I would HOPE the BF was kind, compassionate, firm, loving and considerate to my daughter. Basically, treat her as his own.
However – if my daughter started complaining about or showed any signs of abuse… I would be on the phone with my ex in a NY second. If I had a sense the complaints were relevant and serious and/or not taken seriously by my wife I would be fighting for custody. I would be doing everything and anything for my child’s safety.
Furthermore – considering the known added risk – all the CPS environments would probably support me. The complaint would be taken seriously and investigated. In fact – inaction could risk the parents’ losing custody.
As a parent you don’t risk your kids…
I will concede and accept that you didn’t cross any legal line. But you showed an action that could have led you over that legal line… As a parent I would sacrifice whatever interest I might have in a relationship for the well being and protection of the relationship with the child. Your wife might want you, but even more she wants (and needs to have) a relationship with her daughter. She has no option other than side with her daughter once it’s established beyond a reasonable doubt that you did show the stepdaughter some interest.
I think THAT relationship – the one you had with this woman – is gone.
I think there is no way back, no way that you all can have a normal relationship because the daughter, the daughter’s dad, her mom AND the woman who might want to be with you see you as a threat – a risk.
Therefore, I don’t see much chance of reconciling the marriage. Not unless you can totally mitigate the fear that the girl, the father, and the mother might have. Not enough to convince one – all need to be feeling safe about what’s going on.