SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone! I've been on here for a few weeks reading stories and familiarizing myself with the forum. I've been with my partner since Jan 2018 and after 2 Ddays early in our relationship the fog has finally lifted from my brain and I am wondering what I'm still doing with this man and have started to get my ducks in a row to leave. I'd like to share my depressing story.

My partner started love bombing me right out the gate. He told me he loved me the 2nd day we met. He asked me to be his gf a month after we met and I happily accepted.

I'd like to mention that our CT diagnosed him with NPD and me with codependency. Which explains alot of why I stayed and why he kept cheating.

D-day 1: about 5 months into the relationship ship we were hanging out in the backyard having some drinks in the evening. His phone rings and it's a woman (K). I make him answer and he acts like he has no idea who it is. Hangs up. I make him call her back. I take the phone and run into the bathroom. K tells me that she has been sleeping with him since October!!! I was furious. He started crying and said it was his ex that hated him so much. She had her friend call him to ruin things for him and I because she didn't want to see him happy. I found her on Facebook and she send me proof. Screenshots of convos and such. He ended up admitting it finally and told me it was mommy issues causing him to stray? I bought the sob story and we stayed together.

During this time he does NOT put in the work. No remorse. All the red flags your could imagine.

Nov 5th 2018: find out I'm pregnant. Oops... I decided to keep it, but he left. Then a few days later decided he wanted to be part of the baby's life so came back.

D-day 2: Jan 2019, 3 months pregnant. We went on vacation to the Bahamas and he went out on the jet ski. I decided to grab his phone and start recording for him. He used snapchat alot so I decided to make a snap story as well. Well my curiosity got the best of me and I started snooping. Found out he was talking to and exchanging photos with several women. Confronted him. He tried to deny it but I knew he was lying. I faked that everything was fine the rest of the trip and when we got home I packed all his stuff in bags, changed the lock, and dropped it off at his parents house and texted him telling him that was it. He begged and pleaded to be in the baby's life. Cried. The whole shpeal. I reluctantly took him back but only if he agreed to go to therapy. It was originally supposed to be only him going but turned into couples therapy..

We stay together. Have the baby. He minimizes my trust issues, tells to stop bringing up the past. All the red flags you could imagine. But I stayed cuz I was a new mom and scared to be a single new mom. He's going clubbing weekly and I tell him to stop. So he downloads a location faker and keeps clubbing and pretends he's at a restaurant (we got location tracking as a way to try and reestablish trust as suggested by the CT). I confront him and he stops.

I spend the next year being busy with our son but almost daily I ask if I should stay or go. I'm constantly hit with triggers and it's all just driving me crazy. But I so badly wanted two kids close in age and didn't want to risk splitting and not finding another partner fast enough or maybe never finding one. So I stayed mostly to have another child close in age. We had our 2nd and I decide to put all the location creeping and stuff aside because it is impacting my mood and ability to raise my kids. So I focus on my kids for a while.

My partner has always belittled me, made suggestions for things I should do, wear, etc. Trying to be helpful but I'm feeling controlled. Two weeks ago, after a series of him lashing out at me for making very miniscule decisions (like singing old Mcdonald to my kids in the car and giving a cashier at the mall my email) the fog starts to clear and I start to ask myself what in the hell I'm doing with this guy. He has no respect for me, belittled me, cheats on me, lies to me, etc etc etc. So I decide I have tried to R But at the end of it all I still don't trust him and it's time to end things.

But I didn't want to end things on a hunch... I wanted to find out if in fact he was still up to stuff.

D-day 3: 2 days ago. I put on my detective hat and get to work. I go through his email and use the search feature for dating apps and stuff. pof, tinder, Instagram, snapchat, and onlyfans. I discover that he has a 2nd Instagram account and snapchat account that I know nothing about and have been accessed since D-Day 2. And then I find the onlyfans account. I decide to reset the password and BAM. I'm in! He had the account since Aug 2021 and I found a couple of ongoing back and forth conversations with women, he sent explicit photos of himself and paid for their content as well. Unreal... the man cheated on my the entire time. He had the onlyfans emails going right to his spam folder to hide them from me. Pffft.

I am so happy I caught him!! It makes it much easier to not feed into his promises to change (which clearly are just lies at this point). I'm sad that I will have to break up our family but I know I need to do this for me. I deserve a future with a man that loves values and respects me and is loyal. I haven't told my partner I know or that I'm leaving yet. But it's coming. He is going to be totally blindsided!

Thank you all for reading..

[This message edited by Soontobefree at 2:36 AM, Sunday, August 14th]

There does not seem to be a definition for him. Usually you can look at Personality Disorders and find one but he appears to be all of them.
Be careful. Make all your plans quietly and be prepared with all the papers, financial and otherwise, you will need. Birth certs, marriage license, insurance etc. See a lawyer and find out your rights. Be careful. He sounds extremely immature and those people can be dangerous.

Well done for coming out of the fog. Its not easy. Do what you need to do for your happiness. Keeping the family together doesnt mean you will be happy instead you will watch the father of your children constantly lie and cheat on you. You seem very strong minded. You deserve bette. You've got this!!

So sorry you're here. My XWH was also diagnosed as NPD and is a covert narcissist. You may be trauma bonded rather than codependent. They're very similar.

Dr. Ramani has a series of YouTube videos that show the difference between the two. They were very helpful to me. She has a lot of webcasts on NPD you may find helpful.

That is not the "role model" you want for your children. Good for you for seeing the reality of your situation.

File for child support. Immediately. Before you leave him — get the paperwork/process started so you make sure he pays.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:46 AM, Sunday, August 14th]

Soontobefree,

Sorry you're here, but hope you get the advice/affirmation you need from our understanding members here.

I think getting away from this serial cheater is wise. Two D-days were enough for me. I often chastise myself for not separating from my XWW after the first D-day.

To say once a cheater always a cheater is probably generalizing, it's true far too often to dismiss it outright.

Be strong, resolute and know that your decision is the right one. Good luck to you!

Thank you all for your support. It is so greatly appreciated. It's nice to talk with people who understand and have been through similar.

Since I last wrote I have found out much more about his character. And I have discovered that he is a DOG that has probably slept with every woman willing to in the last 4.5 years.

He is on soo many porn sites. Strip chat, chaturbate, noodlemaga,ine, xnxx, xhamster, pornhub, etc etc. He does google searches on milf, bouncing boobs, specific porn stars etc. He goes on tiktok, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter and searches women on there. I haven't found any convos yet, except for one.

He messaged a woman on fb a couple days ago and asked if she has Instagram. I looked up the woman and she lives close by. I decided to take a risk and message her, but I screened her first to see if she would rat on me and she would not and even told me to call her. She said they met 7 years ago (before we were together) at a club and went to dinner a couple times but she wasn't feeling it so things fizzled out. She said that 1.5 years ago he contacted her on Instagram and was first just having friendly conversation, he told her he was expecting his 2nd son soon and she said she was expecting her 4th. Then he says "you look soooo good in that picture" and she replied with "thanks my husband thinks so too" and blocked him.

So from this I can piece together that he is likely messaging women he knows, had a past with, new women, any woman he can and maybe just starting with friendly convo and then easing his way in with compliments seeing if women will take the bait. I can assume that he has likely done this with every and any woman he can and tries to find the ones who are interested and will meet them and sleep with them.

I also found a picture on his phone he took when he went out the other night. One of his friends was hitting on a woman at another table and the picture is of the guy kissing her hand. Based on this photo I suspect that all of his friends are in on this and do this too. They all go out and prowl all night. See if they can make eye contact with one and strike up a conversation, some flirting and maybe lead to kissing and sex.

I cannot believe what I have found. I am absolutely shocked to know the extent of this and that he has been literally prowling every single chance he gets for our entire relationship. What a selfish arrogant entitled jerk. No regard for me or his kids and how his action may impact his children. Thankfully I had already decided to leave and I feel I'm pretty much out of love with him and felt I couldn't trust him prior to this discovery. So it doesn't hurt as bad as it could, but it still stings a bit. I should have known really based on how disrespectful he's been towards me our entire relationship, he just feels completely entitled, to do what he wants and live life how ever he pleases.

I have not confronted him with this information yet. I'm planning to leave this Saturday but I will save my plan for a different post as it is alot to write (and read) as well. I have retained a lawyer. I feel like I cannot get away fast enough at this point.

[This message edited by Soontobefree at 4:25 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

If he's NPD, he isn't going to change. He can put the mask on for awhile, but then it will eventually slip. The person you thought you knew at the beginning of the relationship was not the real him. What you are seeing now is.

You decide if you want to confront or not. Is it really going to make a difference in the long run?

One thing about NPD is that they think they're fine and you're the one with the problems. Also, they want a reaction from you. Doesn't matter if it's big, small, good or bad. ANY reaction feeds their ego. The worst thing for you to do with an NPD is to ignore them. It drives them wild because you aren't providing any ego kibbles.

So sorry you're here. Keep taking care of yourself.

Yes he does have NPD diagnosed by the therapist (she told me anyways). I just finished reading that book so I'm planning to go no contact after I tell him. I am not feeding into his ego, good or bad. Unfortunately I will need to communicate a bit for the kids so I won't be able to go full no contact, but I'll leave only email open as a form of communication and will only take part in matters related to the kids. I'll ignore anything else.

He unfortunately has always been a certain way, I've been googling emotional abuse and NPD for years now. I wish I left the first time I caught him back in 2018, but the sex was great and I'm a codependent with terrible boundaries. I fall for anyone that'll give me attention so the love bombing and everything was just a recipe for disaster. After we had the kids I stopped looking so hard and just settled into a comfortable life, as comfortable as it can be with an NPD.

I'm not planning to confront him to his face, I have created a safety plan to get out. I plan on telling him tonight that I'm going to visit my sister this weekend for the day Saturday. I have retained a lawyer and she is working with me this week to get emergency no contact, custody, access, and protection orders in place ahead of me telling him. I'm hoping they'll be granted by Friday, if at all.

Halfway to my sister's (she's 1.5 hours from me) I'll call him and tell him it's over, I don't trust him, I've figured him out and he has 3 days to get his stuff out of the house. Then before i get to my sister's I'm going to turn off my location sharing with him and since hes never been to my sosters he wont be able to find me. Then I'm going to block him on every form of communication and tell my family to do the same and will start no contact. I've informed my neighbour's of the situation so I will ask them to let me know when he's left. When I get home I will be changing the locks.

It sounds like a good easy plan but I know it's only easy on paper. He will do everything he can to get back into my life and the house. I expect him to break the orders and try to show up my house, work, etc a few times. The cops will have to be called... but I hope it doesn't last long... it just sucks I even have to endure all of that. I wish I never got myself in this situation from the start. I was so naive ughhh. I ignored all the red flags. Now I'm here thinking about how many months I'll have to have eyes at the back of my head for before I'm actually finally free.

I am sorry for your situation.

At this point, don't look at the diagnoses. Don't google anything. I was recently a little sick, did Google searches on what was wrong and I had Pancreatic, Colon, Liver, and prostate cancers according to what I was reading.

I had none.

Look at the reality and if you want to live with these issues with him (you wouldn't be here if you could).

You are right in leaving.

Glad you put your detective hat on.

You are a victim of abuse.

Protect yourself legally but move forward

Good riddance !