What was the trigger to you WS to eventually do the work on you that was needed?
I wanted to say at first that seeing the damage I caused on and after DDay made me want to do the work, but it's more than that. I had a one night stand and an EA before the most recent PA, and those didn't wake me up. There was a very mini wake up with the EA, but it wasn't deep and didn't last very long. First, I had to have the ability to see the damage that I did when DDay came. Then it took time for it to sink in that the affair was a me problem not a relationship problem. Now I'm at the point where I'm willing and able to do the work.It's not even about me to do the work to be a better partner, though that's a motivation. But the work is ultimately to heal me. That's what's going to bring about the changes that actually make me a safe person versus a person who can act like a safe person on the surface who will still crack under pressure.
Right now, I can't tell you what it was about DDay and the aftermath that cracked my heart open and allowed me to see reality (though not covering that up is still a work in progress). I think it honestly was years of the cumulative effects of the work and growth I had been doing before that, though it doesn't really feel like there's been much growth. I think it was also that the affair went on so far past the date when I realized it was actually just a selfish, hurtful thing that I was doing, so I had already started to "detox" in a sense. By the time DDay came around I didn't have much defense for what I was doing. For my particular situation, so much of the wake up call came from the fact that the affair was also an abusive "relationship" that I could not see at all. I honestly should have known better. I did so much damage to myself that I'm scared for myself to not do the work anymore regardless of the relationship.
Unfortunately, there's nothing a BS or anyone - even the best therapist in the world - can do to get someone to work on their issues if they're not ready. The issues that led to the affair existed long before the affair. They're issues my partner tried to raise with me over the years. They tried EVERYTHING to get me to see the pain they were in and the risks I was taking with our relationship - and just with my own personal safety and well-being. If someone else can get someone working on themselves, I'd not only have never had the EA or PA, I'd be a model mother, wife, and human being. But all my partner's hard work - while definitely beneficial and played a part in me being in this place - didn't make me ready to do the work.
I don't know if you should divorce or not. But whether the threat of divorce would spur your WS into doing the work? Probably not. In my experience, I often started making half ass attempts to do the work when the relationship seemed in jeopardy. I'd make all the grand promises and maybe do some stuff but it wouldn't come to much. In my mind, I was panicking to "save the relationship", not work on me. So I'd try to mimic a "good partner" but it often felt disingenuous, because I was pretending to have empathy and compassion without building them, and also using them as means to ends. When it doesn't magically solve everything with one empathetic reflection, it's easy to drop. Now I'm not trying to build empathy and compassion to "save the relationship". The relationship is dead and not coming back. When I make the choice to write the timeline, go to therapy, explore myself, slow down, choose understanding over defensiveness, etc. I'm not doing it for the relationship anymore. I'm doing it because that aligns with the me that I can live with. The me that I have been is not someone I can look in the mirror, even if I had more "friends" then.
There was a point post DDay where I felt if we split, I should go to the AP since we are both shitty people. That wouldn't have meant that my partner pushed me into the AP's arms. It would have been my choice, just as the affair was. Really, even then I could have gone to the AP and attempted to get him back if I wanted to. The relationship wasn't a barrier to me getting involved with AP; so the post DDay semi-reconciling mess then shouldn't have been a barrier. But it was because something was starting to shift for me, not because of anything my partner did.
My partner and I aren't in reconciliation anymore. He's told me there's no hope for us to have a romantic relationship in the future, though we're trying to have an amicable co parenting relationship. This didn't make me run to the AP, not because he's so amazing (he is) but because I don't want to be that person anymore. I wouldn't want to do that to the father of my child again, and I wouldnt want to do that to myself. IF I ever date again, I'm going to have far too high of standards for someone like AP to meet.
Your WS might stay stagnant. They might start doing the work. They might run back to AP.
And none of that is on you or in your control, which probably really sucks. You're already in this situation that you had no say in, and having some control over things now would probably be reassuring.