SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here. Not exactly the most fun club to be in....still.

To give some background information, my husband was previously married young, at 23, forced into marriage by religion and parents. Cheated on that wife.

We have currently been married for almost 8 years. In 2017, when I was 3 months pregnant, I found out that he had been having an affair with, and talking to multiple women. One of which was my best friend. The other he sees at work, still to this day. Kicked her to the curb, we got into counseling, as we already had a 2 year old child, and for the the sake of my unborn child and the idea of not wanting to have my kids come from a broken family like I did, I stayed. Had that baby in 2018. And we did a LOT of counseling and work. I thought things were going well. We had gotten pregnant with our third child (amazing surprise) and couldn't wait to welcome him or her. We welcome the baby in January 2022, and during an argument in February it all of a sudden "comes out, slips, gets off his chest" whatever you want to call it that he got the girl he was having an affair with in 2017/2018 pregnant, she had an abortion. All of this AFTER I had already told him when DDay happened the first time to lay it ALL OUT ON THE TABLE NOW. Granted, I don't know when he found out she was pregnant-- before or after the affair ended-- because honestly what difference does it make. So since February I've been trying to recover from that.

Then last week I get a message from a random chick. They've been having an affair for 10 months. My child is 8 months old. You do the math.

Confronted my husband, who up until now I don't think had hit rock bottom. He's there now, because he knows how serious I am and that I told him I'm done. In the past week, through counseling he's realized his childhood trauma has caused him serious damage (which I do have sympathy for him on, because no kid should have to go through that) that had turned him into an avoidant attachment love style, and sex/love addict. He's also admitted that none of that is an excuse, but he didn't know how to deal with those problems and like a drug/alcohol addict, got that "high" and ended up in the addict circle. Within the first 2 days of this second DDay he spoke with our counselor, got hooked up with a 12 step program and is being more transparent than I've ever seen. Oddly enough, I've never seen him this "light and airy". It seems like the world has been lifted off his shoulders. And he is extremely remorseful. Profusely apologizes daily. Sends me his location constantly. Has finally shared all of his passwords. Leaves his phone in the office when he's home. I could go on for all the things he's changed, but he said even if we don't work out, he wants to make himself better and become "whole" again after feeling broken for so long.

Like others in here, I don't know where to start. I set up boundaries (kicked him out of our room, no physical contact, etc.) and he is following/respecting them. I'm grown up enough now after therapy that I don't want to immediately disrupt our kids' lives and didn't throw all his shit to the curb lol. I know I don't have to make a decision immediately, but this current change feels so different than the last time, I have a slight bit of hope. I'm taking it day by day. My biggest thing is if I ever did decide to stay, how do I even begin to trust again. I guess his continued transparency would do that, but just so many what if's right now. He said his goal is to get a vow renewal for our 10 year anniversary to give me the beach wedding I never had. I told him I admire that goal. I mean, what else can I say?

You are never going to trust him again completely. That ship has sailed. If you stay it is an entirely new marriage. I hope he stays with the program. If he’s a sex addict then he’s got a white knuckle life ahead of him until he can get a handle on this addiction. At some point, somewhere down the line, you’re going to have a long talk with yourself about whether it’s worth it if you stay.
I have a family member who is an alcoholic and everything everybody has said to him is worthless. Until they hit rock bottom and I mean way down rock-bottom they don’t change. His wife has told him he has one more chance and if he blows it she’s gone and the house goes up for sale. Their children are older, two in college, one will soon be there, so they are out of the door anyway.
Good luck with this. Stay vigilant.

Thank you @Cooley2here

The tough spot is our kids are young-- all under 7. I really do want both of us to try everything possible. On both parts.

So far, if there is below a rock bottom, he's hit it. I think my boundaries and being firm in my feelings on being "done" for now have him motivated to finally get the help he needs, and I guess has wanted but didn't know how to get it. He has said that he felt like he's under a pillow screaming but nobody could hear him. And is very glad to now be heard and getting the help that he needs.

And you are right about the sex or physical touch addiction. I think that is going be rough for him because that is what he craves--since he never got that as a child. That's when the test will come!

You believe D is bad for children.

Well so is staying married to a serial cheater who lies snd disrespects you.

You think your kids won’t notice? Think again.

It's only been a week. Right now,he's throwing whatever he can at the wall,and seeing what sticks.

IC is good. Phone transparency is good. Except serial cheaters tend to buy a burner phone.

What is he doing?

Has he been tested for stds?

Is he answering all of your questions without anger or defensiveness?

Has he dropped any friends who knew of his affairs?

Since he works with one of the OW, he needs to get a new job. Immediately.

You need to tell any OBS.

You need to be tested for stds.

You need to see an attorney,so you know what divorce looks like.

And you need to schedule a polygraph, and have him take it. The chances that you know everything are small.

You’ve come to the right place. I suggest you read some posts by DaddyDom to see what kind of reflection you might want to see from a remorseful WH. He also had a history of CSA which he volunteers. His wife is active on the site. I expect both would agree it took him some time to get to the place he is now and that it never quite ends. There are half a dozen Waywards or ‘Madhatters’ on this site who I feel I owe a lot to for their insight, which has been very helpful to me.

People can change. It’s possible.

Time is the ONLY thing that can prove whether your cheating spouse is truly true remorseful and willing to make permanent changes or these are just temporary things to get out of the doghouse.

My H did everything he could at dday2 to R. But it took me 2 years of seeing his efforts and permanent changes before I was convinced he was truly committed to me and the marriage.