SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MalibuBayBreeze! How are you? I am so sad to be back but seeing the familiar names is comforting. I can only imagine what newbies thought of the things I shared, when I articulate them to anyone they seem so normal--likley because I've been living with them as realty for so long. I could probably write a screenplay for a lifetime movie by now sadly.

I have indeed been riding the crazy train with him at the helm--He, as your WH has ZERO guilt, remorse or care for anyone. I asked him point blank (before I found out) what he thought about the empty, crying daily, unable to care for the kids, pathetic person he saw after I found out the first time he was caught--literal no response, he has built in his sick head that I DESERVED to be cheated on for the mutitude of reasons he manufactured--in REALITY a cheater is WHO he is.

He told my daughter he will get remarried in the future--likely for the housekeeper and cook I was. It literally scares me to think he's going to do this again, possibly have more kids and DESTROY more lives. I had thought getting this trainwreck down the road long enough-he's over 40 might stop him from having more kids, but kids to him are possessions to be manipulated and controlled.

Thank you for your words--it seems like there's a cycle, you are a new member here, you get stronger, help others, then you might be back (hopefully not) and those you helped are there for you again

I am happy in the fact that I gacve him a chance, my kids can say I gave him the chance,(they didn't know much from the first round 6 years ago) but they now know that he is wrong yet again.

I wonder,if at their age,a judge would even force them to spend time with him. Ask your attorney.

I actually sort of agree with Blue. Yes, you'll get out,and that's great. But if your kids are forced to see him,they will be with him, without your protection. As a mother,that's more terrifying.

However, if your son will tell a therapist what's going on,she can testify in court. No judge will force these kids to be alone with him.

I also think you should tell them the things he's done. The BOB,the urine, etc. They need to know what's happened,because right now,they feel sorry for him. And that's dangerous, because he is dangerous. Telling them enables them to protect.

And that therapist who said he raped her? You are mad that she is an OW, and you don't want to believe he could do that. He 100% fits that profile. It doesn't matter if they had been talking,and met up. Hell,wives can be raped by their husbands. I believe he raped her. I've no doubt.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:54 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

MalibuBayBReeze, I forgot to add that I have a license to carry a handgun in my state, I own my own and keep it either on me or next to my bed everynight

Homewrecked2017, thank you for the wise advice. It is VERY much needed and I am forever grateful. I am so sorry your experience will be to my benefit.

I am planning to not give my son any choice in the manner as far as custody goes, I am planning on letting him think what he wants to right now, but will do everything legally to get full custody. My son has moved from the "I want to live with Dad"---TO---"I want to live with Mom & his sister/my daughter who will NOT go with my WH"---TO---I want 50% with the both of you. He's smart enough to know what his neutral statnce will placate my WH and ME--so he's okay as far as being in the middle of a tug-of-war.

I will do my part legally to give my WH as little time as possible with the WH. I will not tell my son that is the case. They already know about some of the crazy things he's done, they're aware. They know he's lied about everything.

I have 3 OW that I have phone numbers to, I have ONE address, they are all out of state. So, I don't know if the mere threat from my attorney to have at least one give an affidavid will be enough for the post-nuptial. I am sure they can have her served, request her to go to the local court and appear and give written testimony. I want to save her in particular the least amount of stress as she has been my biggest ally in helping me in the proof department.

I have pictures of him kissing a woman, nudes in the shower of himself, lots of screen shots from the OW. He used a social media app--so I am guessing there is some tool I can have them use to get some of that history. He literally had 7 different profiles

I am planning on requesting in discovery getting his last 4 years of credit card statements for the hotel, rental car reciepts--I am afraid that he could possibly try or has called the credit card company and claimed those all as fraud, even though I'm 99% positive they check ID's with a credit card in a hotel, I am postive there will be more from a later date that he hasn't claimed as fraud and tried to have removed.( I'm also hoping there is a time limit on claiming them as fraud).

My post-nuptual says STANDARD OF PROOF-"An admission from a paramoreor unfaithful spouse is not neccesary to prove that a spouse has been unfaithful. Proof may be in the form of texts, emails, electronic and internet, or results of a private investigator, recorded conversations or ANY such document provide by a third party--the parties agree that the court should apply a preponderance of the evidence standard, meaning whether it is more likely than not that a spouse has violated the Fidelity Clause. So fingers crossed I should have plenty in my possession. WH pays my attorney fees so I'm still positive he'll fight it.

You are right, I am going to lean heavily on using the police as if he gets in trouble he will lose his contractors license, business insurance and livlihood.

On a side note, the last OW told him he was pregnant and she has since blocked him and became my ally, he really has no idea if she is or not. I had thought about sending a baby gift to him in the mail and having it show up on or door..haha. She has said she will NOT tell him any different. I have played with the idea--but he does know where she lives and I would NEVER put her or her kids at risk.

I am HOPING that I can get him eradicated from the house until it's over but I have no idea how I am going to accomplish that?!? He keeps his work equipment at the house & livestock so I am sure he will want to have that.
access.

My state is a "one party-consent" law so I'm guessing that means if I record anything between the two of us, as long as I consent then its good. I have an older recording where he threatened to push me out of the bed and swore at me---not sure how useful that could be.

I can't scroll back to see if I covered all your points--than you for the expertise.

Hellfire, I am very frightened for the influence he can have over them without me there, I have been there protector here from his verbal abuse, he once took my daughter into the garage and spanked her hard, left bruises and told her "to not tell your mother" She will testify to that. I didn't know until recently.

As far as the therapist goes, I'm really not mad she's a OW, BUT I am beginning to think when it happened years ago she was the one he was seeing for therapy when I demanded it. From the "story" I received, from him--she gave him oral & he was too "expired" to perform for very long. Her story was she felt like she had to oblige him--not exactly forced but she was possibly in deep in the moment to change hermind..who knows, it sounded like they talked it up, he got there, she was reluctant and she felt obliged? It was a busy counseling center so maybe she thought it was risky if he made a scene so she was concerned about the restof the office finding out and getting fired.

His MO--and total reason for cheating is that he NEEDS like an addict to know that he's attractive (not really) and worthy of being wanted sexually--it must go hand in hand with his buliemia, he needs to be desired and he needs to body to be accepted by a woman and sex is the method. SO, paying for sex is not his thing or even forcing it because he's not getting his need filled. I'm not licensed but I've spent way too much time with his previous male therapist and homework on it.

I am glad to hear you're armed. Pray you never have to use it but better to have and not need than to need and not have. He sounds unhinged and extremely childish.

I'm amazed at how much information you gathered already. He's either incredibly sloppy or you are just that clever, I tend to believe it's you. I was never able to find the amount of info that you and others here have even 6 years out.

Stand strong. Yes you are hurting now but you've got this. Maybe in the back of your mind you've been preparing for this because I doubt you ever fully trusted him after the last time. Head up, shoulders back and be the fierce woman you are. ❤

I thought we were going to end up in court, but my xh’s atty convinced him to settle out of court!! This could happen to you!!! Def get your son in counseling -secretly! The Domestic violence center here offers secret counseling. She made minimal comments in her notes in case she had to go to court! Apparently they all do that at the DV center. They are there to help our kids not repeat the patterns.

It really helped my kids. My xh called one son drunk and my son stood right up to him in a very calm, logical way he learned from his counseling!!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:57 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

CT101, forgive me if I missed this, but have you confronted him yet? If not, I think you should decide on a plan of action first (hopefully with the help of a psychologist and a lawyer) and then decide whether it's in your best interests to do so.

If you choose to divorce right now (rather than wait until your son is 18) would you be willing to toss out the postnup in exchange for full legal and physical custody of your son? You will need to be careful about how you propose this (so he can't accuse you of coercion in court) but maybe if you successfully convince him that you're doing him a favor (he gets to keep his money; you continue to shoulder the responsibility of primary caregiver), he will acquiesce.

Although it's incredibly unfair to give up what you're entitled, especially after all the sacrifices that you've made, I think it's worth subsisting on nothing but ramen noodles for the next 10 years if it means preserving the sanity and safety of yourself and your children, and sparing your children the traumatic experience of being raked over the coals by your husband's lawyer because they are the only corroboration you have to support your claims of abuse.

No matter what happens, you will need to keep a cool head and resist the natural urge to let your pain, anger, and love for him cloud your judgement. Don't let him bait you into doing something reactionary and foolish. Don't expect a guy with his history and his ability to pass multiple polygraphs with flying colors to suddenly grow a conscience. Approach your marriage as if it were a high-stakes chess match; try to predict and prepare yourself for any move he might make.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:38 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

Malibaybreeze, Yes I've been armed and slightly trained (not for this reason..lol) but it seems to be helpful these days.

He WAS very sloppy for awhile with his cheating, he originally "thought" that he had taken the only copy of the post-nuptial agreement, and that it HAD to be filed with the court (nope).

Honestly, it all just fell right into my lap--the OW just wanted to burn his ass so they were really nice & gave me EVERYTHING.

Thank you--yes I have mentally preparing for this, I guess I always knew this time will come.

Bluerthanblue,
Yes I confronted him already, I could possibly use the post-nuptial agreement in the way you described. I am not 100% positive if the post-nuptial just yet will hold up with all the proof I have--it does state "proponderance of proof" not the adnittance by a paramour or spouse, so basically it's just subjective to whomever is looking at the proof. I would say it's a lot.

I slightly mentioned the proposed 5 year wait time, but he wasn't receptive--although I think once I can get the post-nuptial firm in the 75/25 then I think I can negotiate it with him although I think that plan is out the window. He's ready to be divorced is the feeling I get.

I'm not really concerned about the 75/25 if I could save the kids, I have my own financial means and have actually acquired quite a bit over the last couple of years.YES it would be great, but its not neccesary by any means.

I am minimizing all interactions, trying to play nice, being upbeat and encouraging to the kids in the house and carting the kids around as much as humanly possible to keep them from spending too much alone time with him. I will not poke the bear proverbial speaking by any means.

The 5-year timeline I suggested wasn’t for you to propose with him and get his agreement; it was just to give you a light at the end of the tunnel, get your ducks in a row, and get out safely.

If there is one bit of advice you need to take going forward, it is this: STOP telegraphing your moves. STOP letting him know what you’re actually thinking.

As I said before, you need to treat this like a high-stakes chess match. Don’t give him the ability to predict what you’re going to do next and try to stay ahead of him every step of the way as much as you can.

Also, if you haven’t already, remove him as the beneficiary from any savings accounts that are in your name only and any life insurance policies that are on you; make sure your adult daughter’s name is on everything. You should also look into whether their are policies in your name that you don’t know about. This is the one bit of information that you should share with him.

Make sure that your gun is locked away somewhere that he can’t access it. If he doesn’t know you have it great; but if he does, change the location of storage.

Lastly, for as long as you’re under the same roof, don’t eat any food that he prepares and avoid food products in the house that could easily be tampered with, like milk, juice, etc.

BluerthanBlue, I misunderstood the 5 year timeline--I'm sure my normally smart self isn't as focused as sharply as it normally is. I slightly just said "well we only have 5 years..so" and he shut it down, saying he didn't want to be with me..like no shit..lol. I have thought once were in the trenches of this divorce and its weighing down on that/if the post-nuptial is going to hold with the proof at the 75/25 THAT I would propose that I have my attorney draw up a replacement--minus the fidelity clause, giving him his separte monies, and business, I keep mine and my properties. So that in 5 years time we just split the house 50/50. Our home value is way up, we owe very little, but the market is getting nuetral so likely we both may lose if we divorced now, plus the interest rates on new places

He has quite a bit of debt with some new equipment and corvette payment so he might bite.

You are absolutely right, I'm letting my anger, shock and dismay give him the upper hand, for WH he knows what he's been doing so he's not as scrambled as me so I need to focus better.

I keep my firearm secured with a key when I'm not wearing it, I don't want to carry on me at my house and scare the kids, I may have to and just wear a baggy shirt so they don't know.

I'm being very cautious with food and drinks--have been for years sadly.

He is not on any of my accounts, I don't know about any life insurance policies--unsure how I can check.

Vezfromtaz, Yes after his first episode of cheating in 2015 he was quick to enclose our front fence and put in a gated drive (although it's common here on my road) we ironically had a large metal sign that had our last name on it fright on that front gate and it got taken off by WH a year ago (likely to keep anyone knowing WH lives there)

Homewrecked2011,
I could only hope WH settles...
I told the kids they were going to therapy (someone who can testify)and I THOUGHT I was going to get backlash from my son (as WH has preached therapist will screw you up and for my son to never tell them anything) but my son was receptive, so I'm beyond thankful.

I've called and talked to the local DV center and they said they have counseling for kids and adults so I'm going to follow up on that.

Its good to hear that your son has grown in counseling and could use the tools to combat your drunk XWH. That's a huge win!