SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So after 10 weeks since dday she broke it off with him. She has blocked his number so he can't call or text. He works in the same building so she will see him everyday, and afraid he will try to talk to her about keeping it going, He has left his wife for mine. My brain is telling me I'm an idiot, but I love her so much my heart doesn't want it to end. I have told her and she agreed that any contract with him what so ever she will tell me and if I find out anything I'm walking. I have told her that my brain is opposed to us staying together, but my heart wants her. I started counseling 2 weeks ago and she started last week (same counselor). 1st session ended with " In a perfect world how would you like to have this play out?" Told her I don't live in a perfect world but for us to remain together. 2nd session she told me to make a list of the pros and cons of staying married. I feel both these questions to be great advice to help me decide where to go from here.

Gently, I'd find a counselor just for you to help you process this nightmare.

Secondly, I would not trust a word out of her mouth. Cheaters lie and they lie and they lie. She blocked his number but she can see him at work all day every day. He left his wife is a huge red flag. Is she willing to quit her job? My WH AP worked for the same company at a location 3,000 miles on the opposite coast, he found another job as there was no way in hell I'd ever tolerate him visiting her site again.

How can you possibly know if they communicate or not? Her words are meaningless.

Please stay vigilant. This is her second rodeo after counseling. Cheaters know how to lie and manipulate. She's no different.

[This message edited by annb at 11:56 AM, Monday, October 24th]

I have to agree with annb above.
Yes cheaters lie and they lie a lot.
If she has daily contact then the A can and will continue.
Communication is the key and clear communication is needed. No Contact (NC) is a must.
Can she relocate to another area or switch jobs to ensure NC?
Remember you trusted her and she betrayed that trust.
Is they work together then they will soon be back at having a quick coffee, then a meal break, moving to can you help me with a … then a kiss and then it is back to the A.
If she is reluctant to move for any reason then there will only be more hurt coming your way
One day at a time.

Sorry youre facing this.

He works in the same building so she will see him everyday, and afraid he will try to talk to her about keeping it going, He has left his wife for mine.

This will not work. Its like asking a recovering alcoholic to work nights at the liquor store. How does that work?

Gently, I know you have feelings of love for her but right now, all that matters are truth and her future actions. Nothing else.

Make no mistake, you future life's happiness is at stake. Please take the advice that comes your way here to heart.

Strnength to you to do what must be done.

I just read your profile. This is the third time she’s been caught. No way in hell is she strong enough to work in the same building with a man who has left his wife for her.

Sounds like your WW is a serial cheater from your profile. That behaviour is usually pathological. I'll agree with the other posters in that a good IC is your vest bet. Chuck the MC as it won't help YOU at this stage.

You've shown your WW what you will put up with in your M through your actions over the years. She knows you will not leave and you have underscored this by telling her you want to save the M as well. This has placed her in a position of power in the relationship. So of course she wants to stay at her job. There is no consequence for her.

You need to get some space so your head and heart can align. Tell (don't ask) her to move to a guest room if possible. You also mentioned church. IMHO You may also want to seek guidance from some non-religious people. Speaking as a recovering church person who still keeps the faith, there can be a lot of pressure to quickly forgive infidelity and move on. It often leads to cheap forgiveness and years of repressed anger. Plus, these people operate in a lay capacity and are not trained in trauma counseling. They apply a theological understanding to a psychological wound. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but just worth noting.

I hope you can get yourself to a better placecsoon so you can start to safely begin processing this.

There's no fixing a serial cheater. They may behave for a little while, but they all know how to play the long game.

I am so sorry that this is what you have to live with.
Clearly your head knows she will never change. Even if she is done with him (sadly theres little chance she is) there will be another. You love a person who never was the person you thought they were and that is what you will have going forward and nothing more.
She may love you, but what she has to offer you doesnt come close to what you deserve. She knows you'll keep giving her more chances and more chances, she isnt afraid you'll leave. You've shown her that.
Nobody deserves what your are suffering through but you are the only one that can fix it. She obviously won't, it is all up to you.
I wish you well on this.

She *needs* to get a new job.

I also know you probably won't enforce that, and I understand why you won't. If she doesn't do it of her own volition, it doesn't count.

I refused to enforce a job change until I was suffering to the point of asking for a divorce. It was a very painful lesson for me. I doubt you can learn it second hand.

Sending strength.

I agree with everyone that she needs to leave the job. They cannot be in the same company. My WH worked with AP. I thought the communication had stopped but it turned out they continued to see each other at work during coffee breaks etc. I would never have stayed if he didnt leave that job. That was the first step. Secondly transparency of every electrical item was important to me as well as a tracker. Thirdly divorce was always on the table because i wasnt sure i was able to live with someone that could do that to me after the immense support they received from me in their life. This was the first and only time. Never again will I ever give him a chance. Giving him another chance will show him that im weak and truth is im not. I can make my own way in this world. I cant stand lying and scheming. He would be out the door. Yes I love him but the love I have for myself and my daughter is far more greater than the love i have for him. Love is a two way thing. You cant love and respect someone and in return they love and disrespect you.

I dont understand why you would want to give her yet another chance. She has no respect for your marriage entity. Yes divorce is the last resort in any religion but nowhere does it say you need to do everything you can to save your marriage with a seriel cheater. Infidelity could be grounds for a divorce in religion. Your brain is clever than your heart. Trust it. Dont trust the heart coz its too soft! All the best.

Hurts, so sorry! Your wife is broken. This wasn't a "mistake". She is a repeat offender by CHOICE. I, too, have learned that cheaters lie, and they continue to lie, especially serial cheaters. Maybe they are wired differently, maybe it's just a well honed habit.

You are a treasure who loves with a full heart. You will suffer as the years go by. The pain can go beyond mental anguish. The unfaithful open the door to sharing STDs, even genital cancer due to your wife's promiscuity. Perhaps, just maybe, your WW is one in a thousand that can do the hard work to fill the gapping hole in her soul. It would be rare.

It looks like your wife signed on to see the counselor at your request. I think your WW might be more truthful if you two didn't share the same IC. She's a self-trained lier and will lie to the IC just to fool him/her in order to fool you.

((Hugs))

Brother I'm sorry that you're here but your WW is a proven SERIAL CHEATER and liar and my standard advice is to file for D when it comes to those and LTAs, this is no exception, but if you insist on trying to R, I agree with others that she MUST quit her job in order for you to have a shot at a successful R, OM has already left his wife so he will most likely be relentless in his efforts to continue the A, I suggest you report them to HR (if they are both fire so be it), you also should EXPOSE the A with all family and close friends without warning, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure, it kills the "beautiful, special and romantic" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A and its consequences the less likely she will be to cheat again in the future, don't forget to demand a full panel STD/STI test (you should get checked too), yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health by potentially exposing you to serious diseases yet again.

Duplicate posting deleted.

[This message edited by MegMeg at 9:53 PM, Monday, October 24th]

I love my ws too, but I couldn't let him continue to hurt me.

You don't have to reject love. You do need to confront in yourself the truth. People who love you won't hurt you that way. One way love is not a healthy love.

She's not a child or a pet. She's making these choices. Is she going to grow or not?! No more excuses, delays, clever actions and words.

Everything changes. New job, New attitude, New goals. The old ways won't be enough anymore. She has to show you real respect and kindness.

One of these days she might leave. I know how that feels. You want to hold on tight to whatever you can. It's a dream. It's painful to live through that kind of loss. I was scared. I couldn't imagine any other life.

She has free will. If she doesn't want to be a loving, caring partner nothing will change. She could always chase pleasure and excitement.

Working with this man.........how will you manage the stress every day?

Find a new counselor, ASAP. You and your wife should not have the same individual counselor; that is a clear and obvious conflict of interest. I'm shocked that your IC is even allowing that. Your IC cannot maintain her confidentiality or provide you both with objective and unbiased care if you're both her patients.

Reconciliation shouldn't even be on the table while your wife is still working under the same roof as OM. Blocking his number and monitoring her devices is absolutely useless; they have ample opportunity to see and speak to each other in person every day.

I know this is a pro reconciliation forum, but I’ve always had a hard time with the issue of reconciling with someone who takes a long time to break it off with, to go NC with their AP after D-Day. After witnessing the horror of D-Day on their beloved, they take, bide their sweet time going NC while their BS is writhing in pain. Weaning themselves off their AP.

I’m not sympathetic to the whole Affair Fog ideology and giving time to the WS to climb out of the "Affair Fog" influence that possesses them. However, I know, there are reconciliation success stories here involving WSs that took a while to finally go NC, many of which are inspirational contributors here on SI, so I have to remain open minded but…

Combining a foggy WS who takes 10 weeks to go NC with a history of serial cheating? You got to ask yourself, is she really worth it? Don’t I deserve better?

I hope you’re seriously considering these questions before committing to R, taking this big high risk gamble with irrecuperable investments of precious lifetime, missing fleeting opportunities of finding something much, much better.

I too stayed with my H for weeks knowing he was in contact with the OW.

Biggest mistake I made. I allowed him to disrespect me and re-start the affair putting us in false reconciliation plus having to endure dday2.

Get yourself a counselor just for you. Not to work on the marriage or discuss fixing your marriage, but have your own counselor to support you AND help you decide your future.

With or without her.

To me the OM isn’t an issue per se.
I do think that them working together is an issue, and it’s something that normally makes an already really hard task (reconciling) become near-impossible. To use a comparison: it’s like deciding to run a Marathon (something that’s already hard to do) wearing boots and dragging a half-ton safe behind you. Theoretically possible, but at the very least will slow you down.

Your wife’s history shows that she cheats.
This affair might be over, and it probably is because the causes that make her cheat aren’t based on the OP but on internal struggles she has. You can make her change jobs, the OM could move or whatever, but if nothing else changes then x months from now whatever makes her feel she needs to do this will resurface.

Fact is NOTHING you can do can change this. Cheating isn’t normal. It’s not expected behavior. There is some internal issue that makes her think this is OK, and even then I’m 99% certain she knows all the time it isn’t, that she shouldn’t, yet she does. This is something she needs to deal with through a mental-health professional, be it IC or whatever.
If she doesn’t see this as a problem, or that her affairs are caused by others… there isn’t anything that will prevent the inevitable next affair.

If this was a one-off affair I would be suggesting things like changing jobs (even if she was truthful and didn’t interact with OM the knowledge that they potentially could be seeing each other prevents YOU from reconciling), IC for both and eventual MC. We have all sorts of tricks and tools to reconcile.

However… Since her history shows she cheats then nothing can be done unless SHE changes.
I think accepting that inevitablility is the key to you getting out of infidelity, and in a strange way possibly the ONLY chance for your marriage to have a shot.

I would think that if you tell your wife that its good that the affair is over, but that her history simply tells you that it’s only a temporary break and that the next OM is already in the horizon if nothing changes then it’s just as good and inevitable that you two start the process of ending this marriage.
I know it’s not what you want. That’s why you could possibly pace yourself. If your wife doesn’t think the marriage is over and if SHE tells you she wants to work things out… Well… your requirement is that she seeks the professional help she needs to discover why she cheats. It could be FOO issues, low self-esteem, alcohol… whatever. It’s not your role to fix it (because through involvement you might actually be a part of the problem).

Her reaction to this will tell you a lot about your future steps. If she doesn’t seek help or if there is no change in her behavior and actions then you have to accept that she’s damaged goods and the only certain factor is that X or Y months from now you will realize she’s cheating again – with this OM or another OM.
---

t/j

I know this is a pro reconciliation forum,

Is it?
I know that many on this forum have reconciled and many believe it’s possible and that it was founded by a couple that did reconcile. But it’s not "pro" reconciliation any more that it is pro-divorce. It’s definitely pro-get-out-of-infidelity. For some that contribute reconciliation is a four letter word and seldom – if ever – possible. That might not be the general consensus on an relatively agenda-free site like SI but that doesn’t make the forum "pro-reconciliation" IMHO.

We oftentimes hang on by our fingernails. It’s because even as adults we want to believe in Santa Claus. This is not a marriage even though it written on a piece of paper. Marriage is two people who bond to each other, don’t lie to each other, don’t cheat on each other, until one does it over and over again. In this case I have absolutely no hope for your marriage. I realize that sounds very cruel but I can’t stand the idea that this is what your life has been all these years. This is the third time that you know about but it sounds like this is just a way of life for her. Some people play bridge, some people paint, some people garden, and some people cheat. This is her avocation. This is what she does for fun. What are you doing in the meantime but holding on to your roof while the hurricane blows it off

19 out of 19 responses, not counting mine, are very pessimistic about potential success of Hurtsnofool's R. Mine makes this 20 for 20 predicting an unsuccessful R. One responder says SI is pro-R.

There's a big difference between being 'pro-R' and being 'pro-R when both partners will do the necessary work'.

a long time to break it off

Given that the SI rule of thumb is '2-5 years to recover', I don't consider 10 weeks a long time.

The vast majority of us are looking a decades of life to live after d-day. My guess is for the majority of us, once we're a few years out, the pain of continued contact between WS and ap is only a small component of the pain of being betrayed. Hell, my W went NC an hour or 2 after my W revealed her A, and life still felt just plain excruciating for 2-4 months.

Healing takes more time than anyone thinks it should. Ten weeks is more than nothing, but it ain't much.

*****

Having said that, are you saying you lied to your kids? What ever told you that was a good idea? Your kids are adults - they can take the truth. They can even support you emotionally; they've been able to do that for a long while now.

Gently, your profile and posts say you have a LOT on your plate - short-staffed business, taking care of your unremorseful WS, protecting your kids from the truth, taking care of your parents, accepting blame for your W's A.... I recommend reading about co-dependence, maybe Co-Dependent no more. If the author's descriptions of co-dependent behavior resonate with you, then you've got a roadmap for healing in the book while you wait for an IC who will take you on.

*****

I don't think R is possible unless both parties face the facts with honesty and courage. I don't think R is possible unless both partners make and keep explicit agreements about how they'll behave, how they'll resolve issues, etc. The fact that you lied to your kids makes me fear you will not hold your W to account. Gently, I don't think you're committed to standing up for yourself in your family or for holding your W to account. I don't see how R can succeed unless you do both.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:57 PM, Wednesday, October 26th]