SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So sorry for long post:

So I found out just over a week ago on holiday with my 2 babies that my husband of 10 years, together for over 20. Has been talking to women sexually online (absolute filth). For 7 months......i am devastated to say the least. We have had our ups and downs, but the main factor is no sexual contact since forever!!!!! We hit a brick wall many moons ago, he has a major issue with showing love/affection but will show me this only during sex.I have practically begged in the past on my hands and knees for him to show me affection outside of the bedroom, even desperately tried on many occasions to talk,cuddle, touch, kiss without it having to lead to sex all the time, showing him what I wanted?.....but sex seemed to be the only time it felt real and true. This eventually turned in to resentment on my part and I pulled away, mainly for my own sanity as it upset me there was nothing beyond my bed. I knew I was sacrificing the relationship in many ways but continued to bury my head in the sand and stupidly became numb and accepted my lot whilst becoming so sexually frustrated and under appreciated in many many ways....the thing is he has always been a good person/father. Always treatment me well and our children are his everything. Everything else is spot on in our relationship we laugh and have both made a wonderful and fulfilled life with eachother....but the intimacy and sex.....nothing!!!!!!! I am at fault also of course for allowing things to slip so far, cock blocking(excuse the term)....but this....this online affair is all him!!!!! He has never opened up about anything when it comes to being intimate/effectionate. Even on my wedding day he told me I looked alright??? I mean come on....maximum effort here...but happily has sex and roles over once he is satisfied....I need more than that???? Am I being unreasonable????, I have questioned myself for being to needy for touch/love. I am so upset that after all we have been through over the years it has come to a seedy online affair...I stupidly looked at lots of the discussions he had with these women......some he was so emotionally involved with to the point that I can't believe he can say these things to strangers and not me???? All these years I wanted him to show me how he felt about me that didn't involve just sex....but can do this with random girls....I honestly am beside myself...I really feel destroyed and have no idea what to do? He is so heavily involved with family and friends who love him dearly...I am left to deal with this on my own. Do I just throw in the towel...or do I give things another go as he wants to? HELP

No cheater is owed a second chance. They all know that what they're doing is wrong. If they didn't, they'd do it right in front of you rather than behind your back. So, your WH KNEW what he was doing and what it might cost him. You had told him repeatedly what you need in order to reestablish the kind of emotional intimacy you needed for a satisfying sex life, but instead of responding to you, instead of working on his relationship with you, he just fucked off to the internet.

That's on him. You don't control other people's ethics. You don't decide anyone else's values. You can't MAKE someone throw their integrity away. He did all of that on his own, because HE decided that it was too much effort to treat you like a person instead of a sex toy. The cheater has a "but..." in his values system. ie. "He believes in fidelity, but... not if he's required to negotiate for sex." Can you see how that's not your fault? You gave him detailed instructions on how to fix this, but because it required effort and partnership, and maybe because he wasn't getting it HIS way, he decided to cheat on you instead. You don't control his relationship with his own core values. He had a choice.

One of the best things you can do for yourself in this position is to let the WS carry his own bags. You're not some grand puppet master pulling his strings and making him do bad things. You could've been Attila the Hun in your marriage and it still doesn't break his boundaries if he's actually got any. When you let the cheating be about the cheater, it's easier for you to see if he's willing and able to make the kind of changes necessary to allow for R. When you're holding onto blame, yeah, you're holding on to the illusion of control because if the cheating is about you, you can control that. So, on the one hand, it's scary to let go of that illusion of control, but on the other, it's the best way to make sure you're requiring enough from your WS to make a real go of R if that's what you decide you want.

I do believe it's possible for people to make real and lasting changes, although not every cheater will. And you are NOT required to wait around for that, no matter what your WS might want. It's completely up to you at this point. Don't let him rush you.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now... My husband does not understand the affection I want also. I do not associate sex with meeting my needs for affection from my husband either. Although I have noticed that if we have sex (which I do not mind, its good) he tends to be a little more affectionate then if he do not. And by little, I mean very little to the point where I feel sad because I remember how it use to be.

I have been with my husband for about 12 years and I would never tell you to just pickup and leave. Of course you have to decide if that's something you would want to do given your current situation. All you can do is try to have conversations with him about how you feel, which at the end of the day if he is emotionally unavailable that is hard to do. Find someone to talk to whether it be a counselor or a close friend. You will be flooded with emotions and I have learned that holding that in can bring you to a deep dark place.

So sorry you found yourself on SI...

Do I just throw in the towel...or do I give things another go as he wants to?

My situation was very similar to yours... to begin with at the time of the 1st DDay... But it didn't end with just online at the end. He did make a decision to meet 2 of the OW's in public places and in person while on vacation in the other country. That was Dday2 discovery about 1 year after DD1. I hope this is not your case, but I think you should ask him for the detailed timeline if you don't want to throw the towel just yet. And then schedule the polygraph, though it is not foolproof. In my case, my fWH stopped his behavior on his own, DD1 was about 1 year thereafter.

Demand no contact (NC) with all AP's. He must send a message to every one of them telling NC. And do this in front of you.

What you describe is a sort of addiction. On the other hand, do you know if he uses porn? Is he in IC?

I am at fault also of course for allowing things to slip so far

His A's are not your fault. They were HIS own decisions and show his true character.

He is so heavily involved with family and friends who love him dearly...I am left to deal with this on my own.

I didn't tell our families, but I know his family knows. However, after some time I told 2 people not related to family. And that was very good, because the mask was taken off from "devoted husband and father". One person was my distant relative who knew 1 OW, and the other was "just friend" OW. Really, exposure is important.

Please read healing library, take a good and loving care of yourself. To be on a safe side, schedule STD test and demand this from your WH as well.

Healing and strength to you! It will be a journey of self-discovery too.

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 12:49 AM, Monday, November 7th]

Yea that's rotten. Withholding affection like that. Way to make a girl feel bad about intimacy. Sheesh!

All that online crap has to stop. Does he want a real and healthy relationship or not?!

I totally started to pull away over porn. Nasty Texting would send me right over the edge.

It just absolutely baffles me that even after telling him exactly what you needed he still wouldnt give it to you. Instead he decides to waste so much time online with complete strangers given them exactly what they want. Attention. or maybe getting what he wants. Basically to jerk off because he hasnt been getting it from you. Strange how all of a sudden as soon as he has been caught with his online affairs he wants to make it work!?

You are not being unreasonable at all. There is more to a marriage than sex and rolling over and going to sleep as soon as you are satisfied. You deserve spooning and all the rest of the intimacy. A marriage is not just sex. According to him it is. He is also selfish since all he wants is himself to be satisfied.

Lets just say it was online Affairs only (please do not disregard the chance of it being a PA because in some cases it has led to that). He has potentially given these women everything you wanted to hear from him and even asked from him. Especially how beautiful and sexy they look etc. These are complete random people basically strangers. Why was it so easy for him to talk to them the way that he did? Hes known you for 20 years and he has not been able to communicate to you how beautiful and sexy you look even on your wedding day! He basically loves the fantasy and thrill of it making other women feel like he wants them but actually he wants everything happening to him. He is a selfish pig. As soon as he is satisfied he is done. Basically he likes jerking off and once he reached his climax he just switches off the 'internet' until next time. I think he is basically doing the exact same thing to them. Its like a 'porn' addiction he has and all he wants is to release and then he is done. Its over as soon as he is satisfied. I dont know what else to say except that he is selfish selfish selfish.

I think you definitely have the upper hand here especially since all of a sudden he wants to make it work. Demand it from him. Tell him exactly what you want and tell him exactly what will satisfy you. If he is not willing to give it then you have all the right to tell him to f off and 'throw in the towel'

On a side note. I agree with some of the others. Please do consider that the Affairs may have gone further than the internet and you should still consider following protocal after discovering affair such as timeline, STD tests, lie detector polygraphs etc.

121990 -

I’m really sorry you’ve found yourself here.

You are not being unreasonable. One of the most heartbreaking things I see in affairs is when cheaters give or do things, or buy things, for their affair partner(s) that the betrayed spouse has begged for. Especially when they do so enthusiastically. It’s a phenomenon that happens often. I wouldn’t be able to, but many betrayed spouses can move past that. Usually when the cheater puts it a lot of effort. Your husband says he wants to stay with you, why? Has he said what’s his motivation? For the kids, the lifestyle, or to escape embarrassment? If he says it’s because he loves and doesn’t want to lose you, then he will need to go on a journey and do the work to figure out how he could hurt you in the way that he has. And it’s up to you to determine whether you can forgive him. And forgiveness doesn’t have to mean you stay together. And if you want to stay together, you have the power to demand what you will and will not tolerate from him, and set the standards for how he will treat you. He wants to give it another go, what has he done or offered to prove that he’s worthy of another go? Or does he expect you to rugsweep this so that he doesn’t have to face his shortcoming, and can keep cheating but get better at concealing it?

Individual therapy is a must for you as you’ve been dealt a terrible blow. I wouldn’t even consider reconciliation unless he takes the initiative to repair what he’s destroyed. The same way you’ve found support online, he can research and start the work to spackle the destruction. Because your marriage will never be the same again. And perhaps that’s a good thing. Frankly, and I mean NO disrespect or to be hurtful, just honesty, your marriage didn’t sound very fulfilling prior to this discovery. I’ve seen people say their marriage turned out stronger after infidelity. That’s unimaginable to me, but maybe that can happen for you. Or maybe you decide to end the marriage. It’s not a decision that has to be made overnight. However, no matter what, I recommend you start researching attorneys, just so you will know what a divorce will look like and to start protecting yourself in the event it comes to that.

Was he showing these OW affection or was it just sexually explicit talk?

The reason I ask is that he may be incapable of ever giving you what you need to feel attracted to him.

What was the emotional part of the interaction that you saw?

I’m So sorry for you.