SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out 2 months ago that my husband had an affair and I feel absolutely heartbroken lost and confused about what to do.

We had been having marriage difficulties for several years. We have two kids (8) and (4). Things were difficult at home, my husband was finally diagnosed with ADHD in July. Prior to this, and ever since knowing him I have felt like I have had to parent alone, or nag him to parent and support him with every aspect of his life, making sure he gets up for work, making sure he sees his son from previous relationship, make sure he calls his dad. I have always had to do all the housework or nag him to do some. I have always been the one to arrange the holidays the date nights, the kids important school dates.

During the last few years I have had some health problems and experienced a lot of fatigue. I found myself
Feeling low and distancing myself from
Him as telling him how I felt always led to an argument and him telling me that if I give him more sex he would be happier and do
More at home. We had sex but it wasn’t enough for him. It was very transactional and not a deep emotional intimacy with respect that I wanted. Hurtful things were said and we continued to grow apart and not communicate.

In February I found out that he had been messaging a woman at work, flirtatious messages and suggestive. He was messaging her in the evenings and I found messages about him needing to stop contact but not wanting to. In February I had this out with him and we talked a lot about how we were both feeling and what we both needed from the relationship. For him
More closeness and wanting to feel loved and me wanting to feel loved but also needing more support with kids around the home etc. things seemed better for a while. It felt like we had started to communicate better and both trying and then in July
I found a disgusting message from
Him
To another
Women who he had arranged to meet
Up and sleep with.

When I confronted him he told
Me
It was 3 times, and was just sex. He said he needed to feel wanted as he didn’t by me. He was remorseful and begged me to give him a chance. He admitted he wasn’t planning to tell me but was relieved I have found out so we could try to sort things out.

Since then he has been trying and is going to counselling but he still isn’t helping much with the kids and the house and he still
Keeps referencing him
Getting what he needs from a relationship and doesn’t seem to truly understand from my side what I also need. I feel a sense of blame that it was partly my fault and I should have tried to sort things out sooner, but I have been exhausted and supporting him for so many years through drink driving conviction, supporting his dad and caring for his kids as well as my step son.

I don’t know what I am hoping to achieve by posting but it’s all a bit of a mess and it feels good having somewhere to write how I am feeling.
I am
Holding it together for my two kids. I am not rushing my decision and need to give this time but it hurts like hell and at the moment can’t see how I can ever get over the betrayal and pain.

I realise for it to work I would need to put this behind me and move on I am
Hoping that time will
Make this easier for me.
Thank you reading this

I am so sorry you are here, but this is the group I wish I had found right after Dday.
First, I hope you get trauma counseling for YOU. Treat this as important as you would treat a serious physical injury. A counselor who uses EMDR would be preferable.

You don't mention if you have any family or friend support - please consider what you need to feel cared for.
You having to parent everyone, including your husband,is relatable, exhausting,unsustainable, and unhealthy for you.
You get to have boundaries and needs. Spousal ADHD makes that very difficult IMO. My STBXH was the focus of both of us, and I lost myself in the roles of spouse and parent while caretaking and loving my family.
Medication can be helpful for him to manage being more of a partner and less of another child you need to manage because you love him.

That said, he had an AFFAIR just because he wanted to. None of this is your fault, failing, or responsibility. Read that 10 times. Hang on to that even though you may feel like your entire world is in pieces and you can't grasp this new reality because this nightmare can't possibly be real. I have come to realize that my WH was stuck at the emotional/functional level of a teenager although he looked like an adult. Teenagers often do exactly what they want. Regardless of consequences to family and loved ones.
You deserve so much more.
Please read the short 180
post and the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Keep posting here for support.
Hugs to you

Prior to this, and ever since knowing him I have felt like I have had to parent alone, or nag him to parent and support him with every aspect of his life, making sure he gets up for work, making sure he sees his son from previous relationship, make sure he calls his dad. I have always had to do all the housework or nag him to do some. I have always been the one to arrange the holidays the date nights, the kids important school dates.

While it's true that people can reconcile from what might sound like irretrievable situations, it really does sound like your WH would need a complete personality transplant. He's treated you like his mommy since he met you and the adultery is just another aspect of that, like a spoiled teenager sneaking out his bedroom window. When he's caught, he pins the whole thing on you under the auspices of "just a poor sad victim of your neglect who just needed to feel wanted" followed by the damsel in distress routine where he's glad he got caught so you could rescue him from himself.

I'm NOT going to tell you to run out and get an attorney posthaste, file, and then curb-stomp. I would, however, encourage you to spend some time thinking about what you really want out of your life, what kind of example you want for your children, and what the likelihood of really achieving your goals might be with this person. My story is in my profile, you can find it by clicking the little person icon in the upper right of this post, but the long and short is that while things did go sideways as least twice in my nearly forty year marriage, the first twenty were pretty damned awesome. You appear to have a consistent maturity gap with your WH which has left you pretty much parenting him. I do think that anything is possible, but only you can say whether or not it's probable. Do you think this guy can fundamentally change who he is??

What if his behaviour is deliberate to create chaos for you and a smokescreen so he can have control. He is having a lovely time by the sounds of it whilst you drive yourself into the ground. You deserve to be cared for as well.

Sunshine -

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. If writing out your story is all you need from this site then that's great. I do hope that you post again.

It seems you have two issues. Given you are aware of your husband has cheated on you at least two times, it sounds like your husband is a serial cheater, what you know about his infidelity is only the tip of the iceberg. I do not recommend reconciliation. Your husband knew what he was risking when he cheated, and he made the decision that losing you and your family was worth new p****. Serial cheaters rarely change. There are members here who have successfully reconciled. However their cheaters put in the work to prove that they are worthy of a second chance and are safe (or safer) partners. Your husband can't even remember to call his own father without you reminding him, so that doesn't lend much faith that he would do the work.

That's the second big issue. You should've left him for this alone. He's offloaded the entirely of the mental load, aka invisible work, squarely on your lap. Google the feminist comic re the mental load. And the HuffPost article re a man who writes his wife left him for leaving dishes by the sink. You are essentially a married single parent. Your husband doesn't help relieve your stress, he adds to it. It's like having an additional child. And mentally sound moms don't want to fuck their own children. If your husband were to actually leave you for one of his APs, they'd likely eventually send him back because they have no idea how much work he requires.

Both these reasons alone are enough to leave. You desperately need your own individual therapy. And should get a STD/STI panel completed. When recommended by your mental health provider, marriage counseling should be added to your panel of work you have to do to clean up your husband's mess. It will either help you reconcile, or assist you in co-or-parallel parenting. Other than counseling, what else has your husband done to work on becoming a safe partner for you?

Lastly, you are not the reason your husband cheated. It doesn't matter how well you cooked, how spotless you kept the home, how well you performed as his unpaid personal assistant, you could be the best mom, and execute cirque du soleil tricks in bed, he would cheat because that's the person he is. Please stop blaming yourself.

Hi again
Thank you so much for your replies. Everything you have said I agree with and see in my situation. I was unhappy before I found out about the affair and now there is no going back to that unhappiness.

I am doing okay I have weekly counselling I have told three close friends who I trust. I am now concentrating on my happiness and my kids. I have detached myself for a while from his family as I won’t be taking his responsibilities on anymore. They know which means he has to face up to his mistakes. He knows I am undecided about whether I want to stay with him. This I feel has given me the power.

He is really trying to sort himself out. Now on medication for ADHD counselling helping around the home more and making more efforts with the kids and me. It still is like walking on eggshells around him though, he is irritable and I don’t know if this will ever change.

I have spent a lot of time writing which is helping and I have set my timeframe and what I need to see from
Him if there is any chance we could make a his work. It’s just so so sad. I didn’t want this for my life or my kids life and feel so let down after giving so much to him.

I need to know I have someone that truly love and respects me and to share life with through the good and the bad. I guess I have a lot to work out but giving myself time And staying strong for my two kids.

What do you want for your life and what type of relationship do you want modeled to your kids?

My XWH did the same type of stuff and it was like having another child. It was like walking on eggshells. It's a manipulation tactic to get you to do what he wants.

If you read posts from The1stWife, she recommends that you stop doing anything for him. Don't cook for him, he can do his own laundry, etc.

His A was not a mistake. It is thousands of conscious decisions to betray you. Think of all the thought and planning he had to do to have the A. A mistake is forgetting to pick up a gallon of milk at the store.

ADD here. Strangely, I haven't cheated on my W, but I know full well the process of committing to do something, desperately wanting to do something, and then getting distracted and doing the opposite. That was a brain malfunction, not a conscious choice, and not a character flaw, IMO. So no one should be surprised that someone with untreated AD(H)D cheated.

But it wasn't you, and it wasn't your M. It was him.

And you don't owe him R. If his A or other behavior is too beyond what you to deal with, you can D with honor.

Treatment can be a savior. If your H gets irritated, it may be that's he's on a stimulant (or a non-stimulant that has a stimulant's side effects), and it's the wrong dose or the wrong treatment. For his sake, I recommend asking him to speak with his doc about that. I know I became much less irritated when I got the right treatment.

The right treatment cut my creativity slightly, but it really helped me be closer to the person I wanted to be.

AND ... living with someone with ADHD is not easy. If you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who has to take meds for the rest of his life and who is not relaxing to be around, that's great. If he gets a right treatment, he can become a great partner. If you don't see any of that happening, you don't have to stick around.