I had two Ddays. The first was one where she lied to me about an unreciprocated EA with a former boss, who as it turns out, conveniently moved away after his W ran out on him. I was crushed and it totally changed me. After a psyche evaluation for suicide plans, I was put on meds and IC, all the while being co.pkeyely ignored by my W, who was actually knee deep I her A with my daughter's riding coach. It turns out he was a serial cheater andcshe was just another notch on his stable-post.
After the first Dday, I realized that I had lost myself in the role of husband and father, burying that interesting and passionate man I once was, so I endeavored to rediscover myself. Long story short, I lost that 10 pounds I had been carrying around and started treating myself better, much better. Our relationship, on my end, improved. I had no idea my WW had been lying to me for over a year. Dday2 hit almost to the year and the truth, as much as I could get, came out.
It was crushing, and I reacted poorly. I just wish I had known about this site and these amazing people. I was devastated, angry every emotion you can imagine, minus suicidal. Looking back, the year I had invested in myself had given me the strength and tools I needed to process this. It was by no means pretty, but I wasn't being tossed about on the waves.
I gave my WW 6 months,which I penciled in my head. I didnt tell her because she would have treated it like craming for an exam without affecting and real progress. I worked on myself, exercised, read, journaled, and did IC. Now here is the critical thing I learned. At the beginning, I could not imagine a life without my WW. After all, I had vowed myself to her and I fully intended to keep it. But as I invested in myself, I grew and developed. And as I became stronger, my WW became less attractive to me. She essentially became less of a match. She unfortunately was still reading from the old script and fully thought she was the prize. I seem to remember that she once tried to comfort me by telling me either I had won or she had chosen me. I laughed at that.
Just after the 6 month mark, I informed her a few days before, that I would be leaving on a solo trip for a week. Nothing else. The old me would have asked if it was okay, would she and the kids be alright...but no longer. I figured if she could figure out how to sneak away to suck some parking lot dick, she could manage on her own. I don't know if she was bright enough to see the writing on the wall, but my friends all did. When I returned and asked her a single question, it revealed that in 18 months she has achieved zero growth. In fact, at that moment, i realized she was a 50 year old version of her 20 year old self. So I pulled the plug right there.
My sister always told me that I would be done when I knew I was done. At the time, her advice was cryptic. Now it makes sense. You will shed tears until there are no more tears to shed. You will pine for her until there are no more feelings left. Your heart will break until it can break no longer. And then you will stand up and move forward and start to heal and grow. One thing I've noticed is that when many of the men I know are done, it is an irreversible thing. They will give you chances until your last chance is used up and then wash their hands of you. You have no idea which chance is the last, so if like my WW, you are reading from an old script, you are screwed and you won't even see it coming...
You need to focus on you. You need to heal you. You need to become the prize for yourself. And by doing this, you can become the best version of you, not to win her back or secure another relationship, but to live your one precious life well.