I’m sinking. I just asked my husband to leave.
Prior to Christmas, we had scheduled a time with our marriage counselor for a Full Disclosure in the therapists office for Jan 20. I know there were more lies and he had promised to finally fully disclose it all to me. On NYE he told me more, but we were both intoxicated & even then, it was not the full truth. Each time it’s only partial truths, but later I eventually get the "full story". In the beginning, he blurted out that he had 5 escorts, but immediately after he said it, he retracted his statement and sugar coated it with half-truths (ie, saying he did meet with escorts for sex, but only had a massage and hand job). I have been begging him to please tell me all of the brutal truths so that I can try to get out of this vicious crisis trauma cycle I am stuck in. I can’t move forward because of all the lies and trickle truths and have begged him since the beginning to please just tell me all of it so I can work through it and stop being tortured over & over again – to try to move forward. Each lie he tells is always followed by "This is the truth…I swear !" But…it never is.
About an hour ago, he confessed in what I believe to finally be Full Disclosure and was eager to get it all off of his chest. I tried to brace myself with asking some general details earlier (did he have a long term affair ?, did he have more than 10 women? Did he have women in my bed ? In our house ?) and had already told him that I’d need to have him out of the house for a while after the Full Disclosure event & we already had a plan in motion. I was asking him general questions so I could brace myself in attempts at easing any big bombs coming my way. I knew there was more women he had sex with and I suspected it was 5 and after he finally admitted it, we just decided to do the Full Disclosure it in that moment. I had just showered and had only a towel on, still soaking wet. I listened quietly as he laid it all out on the line. It was gut wrenching.
He admitted to having sexual intercourse with 5 escorts over the last year and seeing many more during that time without sexual penetration (private strip shows, naked massages, masturbation). He had sex with 2 or 3 here in my home area, and 3 others in Dallas, Boston, Colorado during his travels. He started seeing them in January of 2022. I lost all my composure & sat huddled in a ball on the bed and fell into a fetal position, unable to even speak or breathe. And I sobbed. I told myself it was a nightmare that I would wake from. Repeating ‘NO’ over and over again as I fell into this catatonic type state. Up to this point, I had only believed he had ONE person he had slept with twice in Dallas (his pre-arranged sugar baby) and I had obsessed over her repeatedly with every single detail. And now…there are 5 and more. How am I supposed to digest this?
He stayed with me and tried to hug me. Tried to hold me. Gently apologized over and over again. Tried to wipe away my tears and help wipe my nose. Tried to hold me & comfort me. But it was so overwhelming no matter how I tried to prepare myself in advance.
What do I do with this? How do I go forward ? How do I process this? How can I live with this ? How do I ever heal from this ? I’m so broken. So utterly lost. So defeated. Completely numb. Its D-Day all over again. Its like I never even left that horrible day.
I have been doing everything I can to listen to every single podcast, reading books, seeing therapists and Ive been doing this all alone. Taking care of myself, pushing forward even when I want to die. Any friends I tell simply just cannot absorb it and they never bring it up again. They never ask how I’m doing. Not even my sisters who say they love me and care about me.
I am sick of this ruling every aspect of my life for the past 4 months. He has been staying at his brothers house since NYD and its been so good to have him out of my life so I can have a break from this chaos. I was beginning to feel a little of my strength come back. And now this.