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How do you start your day thinking of others first to set the mindset of selflessness and giving to the ones you hurt? Interested in your habits and techniques to avoid being the selfish and entitled each day. Thank you in advance.

wantstorepair,

Here's the thing. Thinking about others isn't really a "goal" or a "thing you do". It's actually something most of us do very naturally. I think most WS's have just forgotten that. For many of us (it was for me!) it is common (after infidelity) to hear our spouse and others tell us constantly that we are selfish and think of no one but ourselves. Which is usually true. The problem with that is, we start to absorb those words as an identity, as a character flaw, rather than what it really is, which is something we currently do. I know this is confusing, so let me give you an example of what I mean.

Let's say you are walking down the street, and a child is walking in front of you. Suddenly, the child trips and falls, and you can see they scraped up their knees and hands enough to need a band-aid. How do you react to this?

1) You step on the child as you continue walking
2) You step over the child as you continue walking
3) You stop and help the child up, kiss their boo-boo, and give them a band-aid

Unless you are a complete psychopath, I'll assume you went with #3. But why? Who told you to help the child up? What motivated you to kiss their injury? What benefit did you get from reacting as you did?

The problem isn't that "you are completely broken". Nor are you incapable of empathy, kindness or lack the ability to think of others. If you saw someone get hurt, you'd help them. If you hurt someone else (e.g. the baseball you just hit broke their window) you'd own it (buy them a new window). So the problem isn't your ability to care or think of others. Do you agree?

If so, then what's the actual problem here? Well, it seems to me that your lack of empathy is fairly localized. In other words, your selfishness shows up when the topic is related to infidelity, and/or to your spouse who you cheated on. So the problem isn't that you are incapable or lacking in empathy, it's that you lack empathy "when it comes to the affair and to your spouse". It's specific. It's quantifiable. And therefore, it's addressable.

Why were you able to show kindness to the child? Well, for one thing, you didn't cause their pain. You didn't kick or push the child, you didn't trip them, and you didn't point and laugh when they fell. You also didn't lie to or gas-light them, such as tripping them but then telling them that didn't actually happen. There was no reason in this case to feel shame, or blame, or remorse, or label yourself in an unflattering way. So there was no barrier for you to overcome when showing kindness to the child.

But when it comes to the infidelity, you did all those things (and when I say "you", I mean all WS's, myself included). Intentionally taking actions that harm another (whether harm was the goal or not), lying and gas-lighting, living a double life and doing things that you are not proud of... doesn't make anyone happy. It doesn't feel good to be that person. But we don't know how else to feel. I mean, how do you feel good about yourself when you just decimated the lives of others?

So here's my answer to your question. You think of others, not by white-knuckling it and forcing yourself to do so, but by removing the barriers that are keeping you from doing so in the first place. You may want to drive a car, but if you lack a license, it will prevent you from doing so, regardless of your ability to drive. You may want to be empathetic and think of others, but if you allow yourself to wallow in shame instead, then that prevents you from thinking of others, and forces you to think of yourself instead. (If you think deeply about it, the mere fact that you are planning ways to appear empathetic is in itself, selfish. It's an attempt to manipulate others into seeing you as a good person, rather than actually just being a good person. Manipulating others so you'll look better in their eyes is about you, not them. It's about what you want, not what they want.)

You have to get out of the shame spiral. You have to stop viewing yourself as someone who is not even capable of empathy. You have to accept, BUT NOT SELF-IDENTIFY, as someone who did a bad thing that they regret, and just own that behavior and those choices, rather than become them. In the same way that you pay for the broken window and then plan to hit your baseballs in another direction next time, with infidelity, you look for ways to make amends for the harm you caused, and then you do better moving forward.

In plain English, what I'm trying to say is... you open the door to thinking of others by removing the need to think of yourself. You remove the need to think of yourself by owning your choices and taking steps to be a better person from now on. Most of all, and I cannot stress this enough, you have to learn to love yourself, flaws and all. If you love yourself, then you don't need approval from your spouse or anyone else to realize that you are worthy of giving and receiving love. And if you don't waste all your energy seeking approval, then you'll find you have tons of bandwidth for empathy to occur and exist.

DD sums this up much more eloquently than I could.

For me, it is still a work in progress. I've recently joined an online community for men dealing with issues to share thoughts and kindness. I joined to try to improve my communication and emotional intelligence to help my journey into being a decent person and doing the work on myself and understanding ny behaviour towards BS. The group subsequently started an infidelity call. When I first joined this call (sometime before Christmas) my thoughts were "I hope they don't hate me because I'm a WS" and "Hopefully these guys can help me feel better about myself". Within the first hour of the first call my mindset was changed. Most of the guys on the call were BS. Speaking openly with them helped me feel some empathy and to shift this empathy towards my BS. As DD says, it's easy to feel empathy for someone you've not hurt. It's much more difficult when it comes to feeling empathy for pain you've caused. I made a decision that I could no longer run from my own pain if I've any chance of becoming the man that my BS knows is in me somewhere. I've recently had private calls with the guys on the call both WS and BS and we've built a decent friendship. I talk to them about my difficulties in owning my choices and in feeling anything other than sorry for myself.

I also found myself checking in with other guys on the group, I was genuinely concerned after some of the calls that these guys were in a bad place. I think this is acting as a trigger for me to do the same for BS. While this is still a conscious choice some days, I think I'm getting better at checking in to discuss my feelings as well as BS. If I can do it for other men I've never met, then whats stopping me from doing it for BS? The simple answer is "me". Letting my own bullshit stop me from doing the right thing has to be a thing of the past. It is a mindset change, stop feeling sorry for myself and face the reality of my choices. Face them hand in hand with BS. I've (again hopefully) finally realised that BS is not against me, but desperately trying to work with me.

I have struggled with the concept of self love. Even sat here today, I struggle to think of myself as a decent person who has made bad choices. I don't think I'm in a place of self loathing either. I sometimes feel nothing for myself, kinda numb. I've been working on the "Bulcy can do no wrong, he's great and deserves everything" I substituted this with total denial and/or shame spirals. I'm trying to stop the shame taking over and allowing myself to shut down. I try to own my choices and communicate openly and with compassion with BS. Again this is work in progress.

I think for me it was/is a choice but not one that I feel I'm being forced to make. I wake up every day chose to be the better me and then allow myself the freedom to try to do this without too many interventions. (hopefully that makes sense?)

ETA - I think what I'm trying to say is that there are not tricks to doing this. I wanted to know what they were too. You can't trick or bullshit yourself into change. The days of bullshitting ourselves need to be behind us. It's incredibly difficult to do this if, like me, you've lived a lifetime of bullshitting yourself. Be authentic with yourself, don't beat yourself up and love the person you want to become.

[This message edited by Bulcy at 8:58 PM, Thursday, January 19th]

Hi there wantstorepair,

This

You have to get out of the shame spiral. You have to stop viewing yourself as someone who is not even capable of empathy. You have to accept, BUT NOT SELF-IDENTIFY, as someone who did a bad thing that they regret, and just own that behavior and those choices, rather than become them. In the same way that you pay for the broken window and then plan to hit your baseballs in another direction next time, with infidelity, you look for ways to make amends for the harm you caused, and then you do better moving forward.

is the heart of the matter.

I've read a number of your posts over the time you've been here and it seems like what is keeping you from progressing is defensiveness. If you can complete the following sentence: "I don't want to be seen as __________." it will go a long way to telling you what you're defending against. You can draw a straight line from the shame that DaddyDom is referring to above and the unwanted identity (or more likely identities) you are defended against. Your arguing and justifying and spinning and editing and contradicting and rewriting history and your assumptions about other people's motivations are very likely part of that defending without you even realizing it. I know that's how it was for me.

Also, when you go from all the obvious defense mechanisms mentioned above to "well I just suck, I'm a bad person, I can't figure it out, I'm hopeless, etc." it's still a defense mechanism because it lets you off the hook for doing the actual work of changing.

The best thing you can do to improve your relationships with other people is to replace your defensiveness with curiosity. Sounds simple, but it is fucking hard if, like me, you've had a lifetime of interacting with the world and your own thoughts so as not to be seen as __________. Initially for me that blank was filled in by the catchall concept of "bad person" but as I started to break it down I was able to be more specific with things like "liar" and "thief" and "pervert" and "vow breaker" as well as seemingly less egregious things like "inconsiderate" and "incompetent" and "bad judge of character".

Avoiding the unwanted identities was holding me back from healing and from giving BS what he needed to heal. As long as your are pushing them away or throwing up your hands and claiming there's nothing you can do, this is just "how I am", nothing will change. Stop orphaning off those parts of yourself and claim them as part of your story. It's only when you claim your story, your entire story, even the parts where you are the villain, that you have influence over how the next chapter of your story goes.

Explore the work of Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability if you want to go deeper into it, but there is another piece you're going to need. You're going to need some tools for helping you deal with difficult feelings. Because dropping your defenses and getting curious feels awful, especially at first. Avoiding crummy feelings is a big part of what got us to the place that we cheated and lied, but just knowing that isn't enough. You have to cultivate the ability to experience them and deal with them in ways that are wholesome instead of destructive. The thing that has helped me the most is a mindfulness practice. By mindfulness I mean paying attention to what I'm thinking and feeling in the present moment, on purpose, nonjudgementally. A daily meditation practice helped me learn what that feels like and maybe it can help you too. There are a lot of resources out there in the world to cultivate this skill and I hope you will make the effort to explore them and start a daily practice. Crummy feelings are part of being human, that won't change. This won't get rid of all crummy feelings but it will change the way you relate to them which in turn will help you be less defensive.

Okay that's a bunch but I hope you are beginning to get that this isn't as simple as we all hoped it would be at the outset of our healing journey. As you've experienced, though, if nothing changes, nothing changes. The good news is that you can begin today. If nothing else, start a meditation practice, today. I use an app called "Headspace" that is a subscription deal but there are many free resources out there as well. Check out Pema Chodron and Eckart Tolle on Youtube. There's tons of free guidance. If you're in IC (and I really hope you are) they can help you with this too.

Finally, don't give up! Healing, for me at least, hasn't been a big epiphany and then everything is better. Even having an epiphany about how or why you were able to do the things you've done isn't the end of the process. Understanding a problem is not the same thing as fixing it. Rewiring your brain will take both insight to see where the problems are and many, many repetitions of recognizing when the defense mechanisms are kicking in and then slowing everything down and choosing to respond differently than you have in the past. Many. Repititions. The good news is, the universe gives you lots of chances to practice and cultivate these new ways of thinking. Your relationship with your BS may or may not be salvageable, but you definitely are.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

I typed a whole long thing and then I thought I should simplify it :) First thing you need to do is work on healing. When you love yourself and feel confident, good, appreciate yourself and the work you’re going, acknowledge the changes you are making, pay attention to your wins, give yourself grace when you mess up and learn from the mistakes then you start healing. When you acknowledge what you’ve done and realize you can never "fix" it, only move forward and support your partner by listening and acknowledging (not being defensive), then you are healing. The empathy and natural desire to be the best person you can be will come out naturally. Figure out who you are and what you need to fulfill your needs yourself. Don’t expect your needs to be fulfilled by someone else. If you’re feeling bad identify why. I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m feeling shame, I’m feeling hopeless etc. Once that emotion is identified then be intentional on addressing it and taking care of it. For example, if I’m feeling shameful, write out my good traits and journal. If I’m feeling anxious, meditate, go for a walk. Etc etc. Help yourself get to a level of feeling good and then tackle the day and it will naturally come out. That doesn’t mean ignore your partner or don’t address things when they are upset. It means noticing when you are not feeling good and setting calm boundaries, deciding to keep quiet and listen rather than react. It takes lots of practice and I work on this constantly.

Things that you can do that are some specific things for your hurt partner is 1. Acknowledge triggers, don’t wait for them to be brought up, 2.write a caring note, 3. Send a picture of a memory between you and partner, 4. Be kind always, like literally, even when the partner is shitty and mean and angry. Stay calm and acknowledge the pain. Honestly, the best thing you can do for your partner is heal yourself and the support will come more naturally from there.

Just curious, do you yourself feel like you are entitled or are being told that?