SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband cheated on me twice. Both of his affair partners were his exes from before our marriage. They were long distance relationships: he met them once a year for 6 years overall. He only stopped after I found out.
I was Pained hurt and depressed but stayed in this marriage and going through therapy and counseling.

#But after being hurt twice, I had to get my validation because this was really very hard on me - I made out /heavy petting( outercourse) with 5 different men, possibly for around 6years but meeting each only twice.
I felt alive and happy and validated . I didn’t want to go to any of them to the next level of intercourse and my affair partners were fine with that.

I am done now and don’t want to do anything anymore. Just want to be able to live my life. He and I have both promised to not have any more secrets or lies between us.
I guess I survived through infidelity but doing infidelity myself.

Are my affairs similar to husband’s? Are we any different from each other?

Are my affairs similar to husband’s? Are we any different from each other?

If you each required validation outside of your marriage? Yes, it is very similar. Second, you KNEW the pain his infidelity caused, so you understood the type of pain you could choose to cause as well.

Secrets and lies do seem like a tough way to live. So maybe you answered your own question as none of those actions describe a healthy relationship.

It's not a matter of comparing the sins, it's a matter of both of you wanting to heal and repair the M. There is always a chance to repair it, if those validation issues are addressed.

Are my affairs similar to husband’s? Are we any different from each other?

Here comes an unpopular response:

I say you’re different. You didn’t cheat on a faithful spouse. If hubby’s butt hurt…..too bad.

That being said, if you’ve both agreed to start over with no more secrets, then you both need to honor that.

Thank you both 🙏. I am not proud of what I did and will never ever go down that path again,
But doing it gave me perspective and an understanding of things. It’s so easy to astray - it’s a conscious choice to make.

And, no I am not proud about it all but I definitely avoided taking it any deeper than what I did with each of them. But it’s possible that I moved from each one cos I wasn’t going to go into any depth with anyone.

[This message edited by Popshack at 4:00 PM, Thursday, February 9th]

But it’s possible that I moved from each one cos I wasn’t going to go into any depth with anyone.

I have come to believe that cheating isn't so much about what's going on in our lives, but what's going on in our values system. It's about character, meaning the relationship between our actions and our values. Do we really stand for the things we say we do?

When we really BELIEVE in our values, boundaries on our behavior pop up around them like magic. When we don't, life's stresses and/or hidden emotional damage end up challenging those values, and because the boundaries around them are weak and permeable, they fail. ie. "He believes in Fidelity, but... not if he needs external validation to feel good about himself." You see how that works, right? There's no "but..." in our truest beliefs. There's no "out" clause. We protect what we value. When we value Fidelity, we don't cheat. Period. All those stressors and problems get handled some other way because cheating isn't an option in our decision tree.

No one can MAKE you cheat. That comes from inside. Once you get right with what you believe, what you stand for, your word becomes your bond. We protect what we value. Does your WH value Fidelity? Do you?

I know that it sounds like an over-simplification, but it really isn't. They say that the first person a cheater lies to is themselves, and you know, I do think that's true. It's easy to fool ourselves, particularly when we're dealing with emotional turmoil and that sort of thing. Cheaters rationalize their choices in order to do things they KNOW are wrong, things that are harmful to their mate's wellbeing. There can be myriad reasons for that but none of those reasons can create action without first crossing the boundaries or our values system.

I think you both hurt each other and yourselves in this process. Your justifications and your husbands hopefully help you both cope when the insecurities creep in.

You needed/decided to do this AFTER therapy . . .I think you should get a refund from that counselor.

I can't say they are the same or different. Does it really matter which one of you is, "less bad," than the other? Does it help trust? Does it help either of you feel more secure in your M? Are either of you happier that you were before?

My .02 is that you both should be making each other better and not worse.

True pointers everyone. I think I deceived myself into thinking that he "made me" cheat. I cheated because I wanted revenge. I wanted to retaliate. I wanted him to feel pain the same way I did. I am not proud of it but at that time it brought me peace. I know it’s weird but I was at peace. I am over it now though and I think all that remains is forgiving myself as much as I have forgiven him.

Are we any different from each other?

In my view, you're no different from one another. No one is better - both are worse. I don't think anyone wins when you play the oppression Olympics.

Cheating is wrong, full-stop. No one wants to be the villain in their own life story, so Waywards often come up with stories that they tell themselves to justify their cheating to themselves. Your justification is just that, the lies you told yourself to protect yourself from the truth which is that you know cheating is wrong and you knew firsthand how devestating it can be.

Welcome to SI Popshack. I'm sorry if any of this sounds overly harsh. It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with cheating, from both the BS and WS side. I hope you feel comfortable sharing your story - there are plenty of people here who have been through similar situations.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 11:55 PM, Thursday, February 9th]

I appreciate the messages. I don’t think it’s harsh. Truth can never be harsh.

I was newly married when I learnt about his exes from his diaries. I was upset because I had never had a boyfriend and no other relationship besides him. I moved on after thinking that past is past.

8 yrs later, I found out that he had an EA for 3 weeks with my friend when I was away for 3months. When I confronted him and asked repeatedly he admitted that a family friend of ours was also his ex. I trusted them both to be just friends and let her in my home all the time. He promised that he didn’t have any relations with her but it was hard to believe him.

I let it pass. Moved on. Prayed; took therapy. He lost his job. I supported him and the family like a rock. Worked my ass off doing everything. He started talking to an ex- long distance relationship with visits once a year because she lived near his parents. Possibly went on for 3-4 years when I started doubting it and confronted them both. After gaslighting he admitted and apologized again.

I was furious and upset and angry and felt lost and deceived. I sought validation the way I did . Then I decided that this was not right and not me and ended it all.

I guess we are both sober?() for over 3 years now. He doesn’t know about the number of my affairs but I told him briefly that I had done what he did to make his realize the pain.

I needn’t have but it was judgement my way

I believed truly that a man and woman can be just friends. I naively trusted that a man and woman who had a romantic past can be friends.
It was all proven false in my case.

He doesn’t know about the number of my affairs but I told him briefly that I had done what he did to make his realize the pain.

Have you told him that he doesn't know the full truth and offered to honestly answer any questions in detail?

For many years, I played the neat trick of telling myself that the details I was hiding were insignificant while guarding those "insignificant" details with my life because I knew they would change everything between us. If you and your H have promised each other honesty, you don't get to decide for him what he needs to know. Ask.

Were the circumstances of your affairs different than your husband’s? Sure. Was one of you more or less wrong in your actions? In my opinion, no. If your understanding was an honest, monogamous partnership, both of you broke that. Both of you lied, and both of you cheated.

Popshack,

I don't think your affairs are worse than his or vice versa.

However if you are holding back details in the present and he has been completely honest, than yours is worse in the hear and now. Same for your BH.

Making out is very intimate btw and in many marriages it's one of the first things to go.

Also did you make your confession to the wives or gfs of the men you were with, same for your H. Otherwise you also transferred your husbands cheating to otherwise innocent wives and girlfriends. If the OMs told you their wives and gfs were horrible it is a common ploy OM use to justify their affairs.

Perhaps you both should write out a detailed timeline and take a polygraph.

Another view I have of your affair is that it may have been more sexually exciting than you sex life with your WH/BH and your H has been turned into a plan B sexual being for the rest of his life.

Did you / H expose/confess these affairs to the other BHs, BWs?

My APs were either single or separated or divorced. So no other woman was involved or upset. My APs only told me about their past relationships , I didn’t share anything about mine.

As for my WH’s APs - one was single and other was married. I don’t know if her husband knows everything but he knows something. My WH stopped all contacts after being discovered and they were friends with his parents family too, so they possible knew something was wrong.

I didn’t miss anything sexually with my husband, if I did I would have had intercourse with the APs I was with. It would have been very easy. I think I wanted revenge or retaliation or adventure or an experience that he had had , without me. Because he was the only man I had ever been with all my life until he cheated on me. No bf’s or anything prior to him or our marriage.
Very stupid and childish when I think about it now.

But yes I do feel like I had been justifying myself because that’s what cheaters do.