Time for a family meeting!
This is a mess turning into an all out shit show and your teen kids are going to get the brunt of it if you two don’t stop F-ing with each other.
By the numbers, in priority order, let’s methodically stop the madness, initiate a process to: stop the damage (take a timeout), gather the facts, do a damage assessment, determine your mutual desired outcomes, get you BOTH out of infidelity.
I would have a serious, sober, formal sit-down with her to learn and initiate the following:
-Damage Assessment: (Timeline, full disclosure, mutual desired outcome determination)
-Damage Control: (NC, boundaries, No Social Media, full transparency)
-Damage Mitigation: (IC, then eventually MC)
There are many ways to tease out honesty and full disclosure. Start by making it safe for her to disclose. Tell her if there’s ANY chance for R, it will be facilitated by honesty. Tell her that any latent lies will result in damaging set backs, so let’s just get it all out on the table now. Tell her trust can’t begin to rebuild until the last lie is told, the last omission is made.
Collect all her comms tech and tell her you will have it analyzed with software that can recall deleted texts, hidden pics and hidden apps and photo vaults. Tell her if your investigation reveals further lies and omissions, this will result in serious setbacks up to and including immediate divorce.
Do a full investigation of your own. Solicit the help of a PI with technical forensic capabilities if you need help. Many times just the threat of doing this level of investigation will get a WS to give up the goods.
And then there’s the polygraph maneuver.
And then, you just have to come to terms that if you R, you will never know the whole truth and, If you divorce you won’t care.
WS’s rarely ever-if ever, tell their BSs EVERYTHING and, you’re just going to have to figure out what level of disclosure you can live with because it won’t be FULL disclosure.
After about six years go by, you’ll eventually stop obsessing about what you don’t know. The mind eventually becomes exhausted ruminating over the same shit, over and over again. If your WS is consistent with her remorseful good actions towards R, that will also help you to move on and rebuild trust.