Friend
As is often the case this post will meander around a couple of points but hopefully they will lead to some conclusion in the end. Please read through with that in mind.
I see in your post that most of all you want to reconcile the marriage. This post is 100% based on creating the situation where that might be possible. I feel a need to emphasize that, because at first some of the advice might sound contradictory to that goal.
First of all: I absolutely hate it when users think their situation is "unique". Frankly the ONLY thing unique about your situation is that its YOU and YOUR WIFE and YOUR MARRIAGE. Probably everything else – the type of affair, the reactions, the behaviors, the family size… is something that we have seen about a gazillion times before. The combination, the chain-of-events… that might be unique, but maybe it’s more "different" than "unique".
Why do I loath unique? Well… if you think you are unique then you will also tend to think our advice isn’t appropriate. After all – we have seen a thousand people burn their thumb and we have told a thousand people to cool the burn and it has worked for nearly all the thousand people that followed the advice. But if your thumb is unique then maybe you think cooling the burn won’t work and in your uniqueness follow your own advice. Only to extend your pain and still have a blistered thumb…
My first suggestion is forget your uniqueness. Accept that a lot of the advice offered is based on personal experience, but even more is based on seeing dozens or even hundreds of comparable situations and how certain actions seem to work better than others.
For example: There is no real scientific research behind this. Mainly because this is an anonymous site, and nobody is keeping score. But I have an educated guess that in 8 out of 10 instances the initial reaction to confrontation is that the WS (wayward spouse) stops the affair. In 7/10 that "stop" is not permanent and the AP’s reconnect within a couple of weeks. You can drop that 7/10 to a healthier 3/10 if you let the other persons spouse know of the affair. That’s why we strongly suggest exposing and letting the other spouse know. These are odds, not guarantees. Although this might apply in the vast majority then there are exceptions. But given a choice most would agree that 3/10 is better than 7/10 and that is better than 8/10.
Once again: Forget your uniqueness!
Second suggestion:
Realize that there is something worse than ending this marriage.
Imagine this scenario: You walk into a used-car lot and head directly to the old red Mustang and tell the salesperson that you are willing to pay ANYTHING for that vehicle. Think he will cut you a deal?
Now imagine you walk into that lot with some picture in your mind of the real value and what you can afford. Part of that reality is that if he’s asking double the price you are willing to walk away. Think he might be lowering his price once your back is turned?
If saving your marriage is the MAIN CONCERN then think hard what a marriage really is. If it’s just keeping HER as your wife… well… then allow her to have her affairs, allow her to disrespect you to others and so on. She can be discreet about it and you can all pretend nothing is wrong. This isn’t as far-fetched as might sound: There are numerous instances where a spouse knows of the other one having a secret life – a lover or a fetish or addiction – and doesn’t forbid it. Sometimes it’s openly discussed, in other instances they pretend to believe when the spouse phones to let know they need to work late yet another Friday evening.
If that doesn’t sound good… well… realize that losing her beats sharing her. Be prepared to turn your back to the negotiations if they aren’t going your way. Have a price in mind – an emotional and moral price – that you are willing to accept.
Third piece of advice:
There should be one and only one reason you are in this marriage, and only one reason she’s in the marriage. That reason is because you WANT this marriage.
Anything else is an excuse. Anything else is the emotional equivalent of "I want to lose weight, but I HAVE TO eat cake all day".
Like I said in my entry my goal is to help you reconcile, but it would be foolish to not prepare and understand divorce. That is the marital equivalent of being willing to walk from the table. So research divorce. It works! People divorce and they survive. They don’t starve, lose their kids and end up on the street. In fact – I think it’s more common than not that people are on their second marriage rather than the first. I’m not suggesting you D – but don’t fear it. Don’t use that fear of D to keep you or your wife in a marriage if the fear of D is the reason you stay.
Fourth:
What is your wife offering you? To me… well… at least outwards she’s offering disrespect. Can you love someone you don’t respect?
Now – I don’t know how deep her disrespect is founded. Maybe it’s just in her nose, maybe she’s hiding some insecurity or issue with her attitude. After all – admitting to the affair without some lame "justification" is tough. But… you need to get to the bottom of it.
Finally, the fifth issue:
You came down like Moses from the mountain with commandments. Do A then B or else…
She thinks she has no options… She thinks she is being cohered into doing things she (pretends) she doesn’t want. It’s like the difference between being ordered by a judge to clean the streets as community service or cleaning the streets as part of a community-program with your church. Same work, same trash, but one is probably full of resentment and shame, whereas the other is done from love of community.
Your requirements are OK. Nothing wrong with them. But rather than be an order they should be a requirement: IF you want to save this marriage and IF you want me to heal then this is what I need.
This is where things start to come together…
The minute you can tell your wife that you might want to reconcile and loath the thought of divorce BUT that you want a MARRIAGE and if she can’t offer that then divorce beats what she’s offering… THAT is the moment you can possibly save your marriage.
I mentioned odds: I think if you follow this advice you have something close to 7/10 chances of ending up with a good marriage.
Consider giving your wife a monologe like this – and yes, it is a monologue because it’s not a discussion nor argument. It’s a statement:
Wife – I love you and always envisioned us together. However I have realized that losing you isn’t the worst outcome. Even worse is sharing you, or holding you in a marriage you don’t want. The moment you decided to cheat with OM is the moment I lost you, and your comments during and since strongly tell me you don’t want this marriage.
I love you too much to stand in the way of your happiness. If you think that happiness is with OM then go be with him. If you think this marriage is unhappy then don’t stay.
Until and unless you clearly tell me you want THIS marriage and you want it because of ME… I am simply assuming you want out. I absolve you of any obligations as a wife, and I relinquish my role as husband.
There is a formal legal process we need to go through, but don’t worry. It’s fair and should ensure we both get what is legally ours. I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to discuss that process and there isn’t any rush per se, but I will be taking steps to initiate that process in the foreseeable future.
And then you go mow the lawn or make a sandwich or whatever.
She tells you that you can’t divorce because of money or commitments or whatever…
"Yes we can. People divorce all the time and manage. We can find ways to deal with that. Money/house/family (place whatever excuse she uses) is never a good reason to remain in a marriage where one or both partners doesn’t respect the other."
She tells you she had the affair because you were inattentive/bad breath/too much golf…
"I am sorry you feel that way. If we were committed to the marriage we could address that issue in MC, but seeing as how you are dedicated to your infidelity and don’t want to be married to me there isn’t a need to go there".
These are standard answers: Until and unless she tells you that she wants YOU… you simply accept what shes offering… She’s offering you that old red Mustang at 10x market price and you are prepared to walk away from the table.