Find out how many men have had affairs because they're "passive," and "people pleasers." This is a common traits many WH have.
The exWW already cheated once in her life. And if she puts the moves on your BF? He'll go along with it and let mommy and daddy get back together again "for the kids." He's already showing he will break every boundary that he should have to keep them and their mother happy. His behavior is definitely a red flag. If you are afraid to upset people and afraid to tell them No, then you don't do it.
The number one cause of D (so I've read, heard, and seen with my own friends and family) in second marriages is conflict regarding the kids from the first marriage. Every single second marriage I know of personally has suffered or is suffering because of the kids from the first marriage. (Well, not because OF the kids, but because of a lack of solid, agreed upon boundaries around them.)
In the most egregious case, the daughters literally sabotaged the new wife with so many requests for the dad's involvement in things away from her. And he's one of my husband's best friends! But he could not tell his girls No, and his new wife felt like a 5th wheel, like her needs and opinions just didn't matter where his daughters were concerned. They lasted only two years.
One of my good friends is in MC to address their ONLY issue--his son, daughter, and first wife. The exW turned the kids against my friend, so her H has "only one way to see my kids"--at his ex's house. How convenient, right? Those kids want my friend out of the picture. He also gives them money, and these young adult kids of his don't even have jobs! They use guilt on dear old dad, and he gives them a few hundred bucks (or a grand!) on the side, hiding it from my friend. Honestly, I am not sure they will ever resolve this issue. He has a blind spot where his kids are concerned, and my friend and her H are literally two peas in a pod otherwise, compatible in every single way. Very sad for me to see.
My husband's cousin just separated after 15 years of drama with her H's kids! She thought things would be better when they grew up (they are late 20s now), but nope. They still want money all the time and use guilt to get what they want from him.
Of course the XW's husband did not attend because he's always home watching the dogs--I've been to 3 holidays, parties and family events and have yet to see this new husband's face
So maybe they are not doing well? And he's not supportive of everything the WW does for your boyfriend? This should worry you. The ex WILL want her first husband back based on her extensive enmeshment with him. And then, he's a laid back guy who can't say No, so . . .
I would never ask my guy to change his relationship with the XW--I mean the kids have only 4 more years till their 18
No, it's forever. Kids are the priority forever, whatever they need. Then you add the guilt of divorce, and from what I have witnessed, what is "best for the kids" always wins. Always. Post-D boundaries with the kids are very, very difficult for people pleasing types harboring a lot of guilt.
You do what you want and toss the rest of the advice, Crazytrain. But yes, this is a major enough issue even if all of his other qualities are great. I don't mean you HAVE TO get rid of him but that this one issue is enough to ruin your entire R. It is. Don't minimize it. Instead, if he does not do MUCH better--real change (the ex no longer stays at his house, he doesn't stay there, he tells her No continually, he sees his kids without her) then you should assume your conflict with him will grow.
When we are really hurt or offended by something and discuss it, and then we do not witness solid change, then we are actually moving our own boundaries. Don't move your boundaries on this point or you may lose your unicorn back to his first family. That's honestly what I'm worried about.
I hope he steps up and changes, but he's probably going to need IC to do it. From what you describe, his pleasing is out of his control. He is not in touch with his own needs. He does not even understand boundaries (which is obvious in the way his cheating ex gets to call every single shot in his life). And she's a fireball who only attracts to those she can easily dominate. He is going to need a lot of help to change, professional help. This is not a small issue.
I am sorry to be this negative. I am sure he's great in every other way, but as I've repeatedly witnessed, this one issue IS enough to bring down an entire relationship. Hopefully he steps up and does the hard work. Wishing you luck. And strength.