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Here is my story, I found out recently my husband was having a relationship with a girl from work.I found out and showed up at his job to confront the two of them they both denied anything of course well that just made things worse for me because I knew the truth and the very next day they became more open about things I found them his truck talking they both said nothing is going on but whatever right so than on top of all that this girl threatened me with harassment and was acting as if she was the wife my husband acted like it was nothing still he than a week later took her to hotel room and got so drunk she tells him the next day they had sex he still doesn't know if that really happened so now here I am lost confused and he ended it saying he felt so terrible he did anything at all from the moment he texted her till the end and says never wanted sex just liked the attention and listening she gave him he keeps telling me he used her the whole time and wants forgiveness but how can I forgive him knowing what he felt about her than can't even remember that night I am struggling so much emotionally and counseling has helped but everyday I can't stop thinking about the two of.them and what they shared together it's been 6 months and I'm not any better about my feelings toward him or her this sucks and I don't know how to heal he is being so much more of a husband than he ever was before for 6 years but it doesn't seem fair and I always and wondering when he will revert back to the way he was before the affair I can't move past that trauma thank you for letting me tell my story

I see that she is an entitled person who thinks that what she wants she has to have. Your husband obviously felt the same way. I just read a statistic, either on here or somewhere else, that 75% of the affairs that men have start at the office. So he does not need to be at that office anymore. If he can’t control himself around women, maybe he needs a job with just men. It sounds facetious, but really if he has no more self-control than that he’s not much of an adult.

I have no idea if you and he should reconcile because I think he needs to go have some therapy to find out what’s going on in his head. Don’t do marriage counseling yet it’s too early. He needs to find out what is running his engine before that.

In the meantime you need to focus on your health. This is so stressful that you might need to eat small meals throughout the day. Drink lots of water. No alcohol. Get enough sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, or feel lots of anxiety, please see your dr. You might need some short term help to get you through these first few weeks.

Hello and welcome to SI, before I respond I would like to point out all the great resources here. Please read The Healing Library and the topics pinned above, there is great information that can help steer you the right direction.

Your H does not get a pass because he "can’t remember". He played with fire and burned the house down. He took her to a hotel, sober I would assume, he sat in his truck with her, again assuming it was a sober decision.

You need a complete written timeline, his thoughts his feelings, who, what, when, where and how. He needs to give you full transparency, he needs to go NC no contact, including leaving the job.

If the coworker is married or in a relationship, the other betrayed spouse needs to be informed. Do not tell him first.

He needs to own this and suffer the consequences, none of it is your fault. Best Wishes to you

So sorry that you've had to find us. Your WH's choice to have an A wasn't just a mistake. It was many countless decisions to not protect your marriage, and his decision to betray you.

First, there's a book called How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It isn't very long, but it is very good. I suggest you read it and have your WH read it. That book should become his roadmap to help you heal from the trauma. Next, I suggest Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is a longer book and I really like her analogy of windows and walls in a relationship. You have windows with your partner so you can see what is happening in the relationship, but you put up walls for others because they have no business in your relationship.

FWIW, I was a mess the first year. It takes time to work through the trauma and the pain, so give yourself grace during this time.

Your H is very unsafe.

You confront the 2 of them at work. They both deny, but you were correct in your conclusion that something was going between them.

After gaslighting you, he doubles down and hangs out with her privately in his truck "talking" with her. You confront again and are gaslighted by both of them. Your H's affair partner serves you a big helping of sass and entitlement, and your H lets her and doesn't protect you at all or snap out of his wayward thinking.

After all of this gaslighting, he takes her to a hotel.

Now he wants to claim a lack of memory.

a week later took her to hotel room and got so drunk she tells him the next day they had sex he still doesn't know if that really happened

He took her to a hotel. There was clear intention and planning on his part to cheat.

Now he doesn't want to fully own it.

At every turn, you raised a red flag.

At every turn, he denied and yet also continued to ramp up the relationship with her by inviting her into his vehicle and then taking her to a hotel.

he ended it saying he felt so terrible he did anything at all from the moment he texted her till the end and says never wanted sex

You confronted and raised concerns about this relationship and his response was to make sure it happened with his affair partner. He took her to a hotel. He full on planned to have sex. Now he wants to deny (to you and likely to himself too) that this was his plan.

A spouse raises concerns about an inappropriate relationship at work and their partner's response is to take that coworker to a hotel, have sex, and then claim that sex wasn't intentional...because they drank a lot and don't remember clearly. Why did they check into a room where the main feature is a bed???

It is very insulting that the affair partner has been so entitled and awful to you. However, don't let this distract you.

The coworker (while she is a total piece of crap), didn't make vows to you. Your H did.

Both of you seem to be drifting a bit toward blaming her. And while, yes, her willingness to cheat with your H is terrible. HE cheated on you (she didn't).

At every juncture, he made sure that he had more and more privacy with her, but now wants to claim that it wasn't his intention to get physical.

Even before the hotel, it's clear they were crossing lines and cheating emotionally. No coworkers who have a strictly professional relationship just decide to have private conversations in a vehicle or go to a hotel together. He was cheating (emotionally minimally and likely also physically) way before the hotel.

He isn't owning it. And if he isn't owning to you and to himself, then this man is not a safe partner for you.

If he isn't willing to do tons of self-motivated work around changing what thinking allowed him to justify selfish and destructive choices, then this man is not a safe partner for you.

he is being so much more of a husband than he ever was before for 6 years

One of the things you may be struggling with is that he can't just "nice" his way to healing. That's just rugsweeping. Being a better husband is great, but it doesn't demonstrate an important change in the fundamental thinking and actions he took to cheat on you. If he hasn't really addressed the root causes within himself and fully acknowledged how destructive his selfish thinking and actions were to you, what keeps him from falling back into this thinking and these actions again?

Protect yourself emotionally from him.

Lean on others for support.

I'm so sorry this trauma has come to you.

I know you are reeling. It's absolutely gutting.

Be kind to yourself and get a circle of people you can lean on. It's great that you have a counselor. Make yourself eat and drink. Get as much sleep as you can.

Sending you support!!

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 12:24 PM, Friday, April 21st]

Thank you everyone for support this has been so difficult for me to talk about and understand why this happened to me but I am trying to believe my husband in what he says about the relationship that he had alot of uncertainty and his ego got the best of him with her she was giving him something I wasn't a ego stroke and it made him doubt us and what and where he wanted to be I'm trying to believe him that he feels responsible and terrible for what he did to me the worst part about most of the situation is he drinks alot and was drunk when I caught them together in his vehicle and at the hotel i say that is no excuse but have a hard time forgiving him for that hurt

One quick thing. If he is drinking and driving call the police. Going to jail is not fun. He needs his head examined by driving while drunk. You owe it to the other drivers to get him off the road.