SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone I'm a 26 year old BH my wife is 23 we have been married 4 years and I guess I'll start from the beginning. I started dating my WW when she was 16 and I was 20 she was my sister's best friend and she told me after she had a crush on me since she was 14. I was a young Marine that was stationed in California and eventually deployed. So most of our relationships in that time was long distance. We saw each other when I would go on leave or she could fly out to see me. Shortly after my return from my deployment I got out of the Marine Corps and we got married in 2019 she was 19 I was 23. We had our issues on both sides but we were in love. Problems really started when I got heavily involved with a Motorcycle club. My wife was extremely supportive about the club she would go to events and ride with me any chance she got. I developed a strong friendship with one of my club "brothers." I confided in him about the issues I was having in my marriage, why because I saw him like a big brother that I wanted to impress. He actually got me the job I'm working now that makes well over 6 figures. So I was really grateful you know. I had issues with porn which was one of the bigger problems in my marriage but I was working on it and my wife for the most part was understanding and tried to help me beat it. It took a while for us to get to where she was understanding a lot of fights but we were young and immature I don't hold that against her at all. Little did I know my club brother who at this time in 2020 was my best friend was setting me up every time we went out he would get girls social media and phone # and put them on my phone and me like a naive idiot let him because I wanted to look cool and the club to respect me. I never contacted these women or even cared for them most of the time I would delete the number the day after. So I figured no harm I'm not doing anything and I still look cool. Well my best friend would then turn around and tell my wife that I'm cheating on her every time we go out, to check my phone or my social media there she would find the "proof." My wife didn't believe him at first but she didn't tell me anything I'm assuming because she didn't fully trust me due to my porn problem. I eventually saw all the texts but he told her so many lies things like. "I love you he doesn't love you, I can give you everything he can't, you'll never leave him and he'll take advantage of you forever, I try to stop him from cheating but he says he can do whatever he wants, and so much more." I mean it was hundreds of lies that went on for months. Eventually my wife fell for it after long story he set me up with a bartender ex stripper while I was extremely intoxicated and he brought me to her house because she was interested in me and even while drunk I told her no. My club brothers made fun of me and said I was gay. Thankfully my cousin was DD that day and could confirm the story. I told my wife the truth but she didn't believe me because my best friend told her first that I was planning on cheating and to check my location that night. Which then she contacted the bartender she confirmed nothing happened but my best friend told her the club threatened her to keep her mouth shut. My wife became depressed started drinking a lot and my best friend Eventually started selling her cocaine. She got addicted and one day she went to his house to pick some up he made a move and she didn't stop him. Eventually my wife realized he was just using her because he started acting differently towards her after that night. But he still forced himself on her a couple times after that. I remember her telling me she wasn't comfortable around him anymore. So I had a talk with him and settled that thinking he was just a little hands on while drunk, we fought over it but nothing super serious. Club over everything was the motto fucking stupid. My bestfriend and I became distant my wife kept this secret from me for 3 years and, I never learned about this until Feb 17th 2023 the reason I found out was because Feb 5th 2023 my wife told me she was leaving me to be "on her own." I knew that was bs and figured there was someone else but had no proof so I got on her phone. I confirmed there was someone else (so this is her 2nd time stepping out of the marriage) on Feb 7th her old manager who got fired for stealing Jan 25th. It was an EA that turned into a PA. She works a retail job, he's 30 has worked retail for the last decade makes less then 40k a year lives with his mom got his GED at 21 is on the chunkier side while I've maintained my lean and muscular body and is rude to his employees and customers how do I know because I met him back in Sep 2022 when she first started working there and he was really rude to me, when I mentioned to her that hes an asshole she just said, "yeah he can be." She gave me all the cliche excuses he's just a friend we haven't done anything blah blah. Then came the I love you but I'm not in love with you, he actually cares for me. You know the changing of history only remembering bad times never being happy. Eventually came I never loved you I hate you you're the worst thing that ever happened to me I wish I never met you. I made a mistake marrying you I wish I married him etc. I exonerated myself from the one night stand I was accused of and all the other lies with the help of my cousin, she told me she believes me now that I never cheated, and that my bestfriend played all these mind games with her but it's too late she wants to be with her new AP. She moved out Feb 23rd still has most of her stuff at my place, yet is keeping all the photo albums the ring, and all the gifts I've gotten her over the years. My wife is so sentimental she would treasure rocks she would find while walking with me and kept all the recipts of our times spent together. She took all the cards I've written her origami I've made her etc. The night she was leaving I started throwing out all memories of her. She watched peaking from the bathroom I pretended not to notice her. After I finished she took all the things out the trash and hid them from me. I got pretty drunk and I confronted her about it. She said she's sentimental and she wants to keep it and is hiding it because she's afraid I'll burn it. I scoffed and left the room. Came back 10 mins later to find her sobbing on the bathroom floor. I asked why she's crying she said because it's hard and she still loves me. I didn't know what to say or do so I just left (that was right after she told me she hated me and never loved me so obviously I was a little confused as to what to believe) After she left she came back 2 days later to get more stuff and was extremely cold and hostile towards me I stood my ground and enforced my boundaries. She took our cat and told me I'll never see him again knowing I was really attached to him. I didn't hear from her for about a month until it was time to do taxes I called her. She seemed pleasantly surprised to hear from me and was kind and understanding. Every time we have met up since for business stuff she talks to me like nothing happened telling me about her day and what's stressing her out etc. No mention of divorce. I'm devoutly Catholic so I don't believe in divorce and desperately want to reconcile. If we don't my conscience won't let me remarry she knows this because she once held the same beliefs, now not so much. Her family is extremely supportive of me and my goal they don't know about the infidelity I only told her brother whom she was extremely close with and now they don't speak since he's also a devoted Catholic and is disgusted by her actions. I believe it's only a matter of time before she realizes this guy is a bad person, I read all their texts between Jan 26th until Feb 17th. Hes got her smoking weed now and was encouraging her to stay out late with him and that I was controlling and he helped her find a cheap halfway house basically, she still hasnt told me where shes living now only reason I know is because I went through her phone. Some days I'm terrified she won't come out of this fog or limerence. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

It sounds like you're already out. She's not living with you, showing no signs of remorse, and it doesn't seem like getting back together would be a good idea.

Forget the religious dogma, start living for yourself. You're only 26! You've been given the gift of a second chance to find happiness while you're still young and can have a family.

Spend some time reading other stories on this site and you'll see that your story isn't special. It hurts like it is, but we've all been there and can tell you it gets easier. You just have to be strong enough to let her walk away.

Well. I'm going to be really blunt. You didn't prioritize her,or your marriage.

You are a grown man. This friend may have been shady, but you allowed it. You chose to go out with him,and you knew he was getting girls numbers and putting them on your phone. You allowed him to put their numbers in your phone. Because looking "cool" was more important than your wife. You knew he was undermining your marriage..and you helped him.

You knew he had gotten "handsy" with your wife, and though you confronted him,you swept it under the rug.

You also had,what you call, a problem with porn..but you were working on it. In the meantime, that problem kept hurting your wife.

None of this means it was ok for her to cheat. But you need to acknowledge that you betrayed her for years as well.

You continued to put yourself in positions that would cause her pain..

You say you "stood my ground and enforced boundaries " with her..and yet had no boundaries with the man who "forced himself" on your wife.

Let her go. You both need intense IC before considering having another relationship.

Hi, Icarus;

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join! I'm sorry you're going through all this, but am glad you found us.

Wow! Where to start?! Your club brother is lying to your wife so he can have sex with her?! Incredible!! Not a very good friend, is he?

he would get girls social media and phone # and put them on my phone
My club brothers made fun of me and said I was gay.

To begin, and I say this gently, this motorcycle club you have joined is not the filled with the highest caliber of people. They are treating you with the greatest level of disrespect possible. They call you hateful names and set you up. So far, they have successfully ruined your M (Marriage). Trust is the most important ingredient in a relationship and your best friend has eroded that over time in your wife. He has been so successful in planting evidence then convicting you on it that I am afraid even if you tell your wife the truth, she will have a hard time believing it. IF this relationship is to be salvaged, I think you're going to have to start all over.

But before you do, I would suggest both you and your WW get into IC (Individual Counseling), take a snapshot of where you are today, and make a plan to get you ready for where you want to be. If those plans include each other, then you have a chance; otherwise, it might be best to go your separate ways. I read how you feel about D (Divorce) and I fully understand it. I didn't marry my wife to D her, but neither did I marry her to share her with a bunch of guys.

M is a contractual agreement, and once that contract is broken (by either or both sides) you are free to choose whether to stay or go. Appealing to your religious side, Christ is against D but made only one exception for it, and that is infidelity. He doesn't say you can not remarry, either. He says that if a man wants to D his W, he is to give her a writ of D and send her on her way so she is free to marry again, if she wishes. I interpret that as meaning God doesn't "make" us be alone after a D. Just food for thought, there.

It is good you were open with your W about the pornography and other items, and that she was willing to work with you on those areas. That's what loving partners do. It sounds like deep down inside your WW there was a great person; but, now? I think it will take time to see what she has become - and you, as well. And I think "time" is the key, for now. If she wants to be separated, then so be it. Work on your self and stay the strong, steady shoulder your W or next woman in your life will need.

Keep posting here and keep us up to date on what is happening, even if it's just to vent. That's what we're here for. And just remember that here, you are not alone.

Thank you for the replies and advice. To those who said I betrayed my wife for years and I failed her by not prioritizing her and the marriage,yes you're 100% right I am aware of that now. At the time in a weird way I thought I was, by trying to move up in life and I thought the club would help me do that and they did kinda. My wife also always supported me with the club never once complained about me spending to much time she actually was our biggest fan and was our professional photographer, if she ever felt anything negative about the club she didn't share it with me.To clarify my ex bestfriend was nothing but a gentleman with my wife at all times very respectful and protective of her like a sister he always mentioned that. It wasn't until after the whole abuse happened that I wasn't even aware of at the time (anything to do with my ex bestfriend is 2020) did my wife tell me she wasn't comfortable around him I asked why she just said oh he looked at me a certain way and talked me inappropriately. So I took her for her word and confronted him about it and after that my wife was never to close to him anymore I didn't allow it. The boundaries I enforced with my wife was just not letting her walk all over me we made agreements and she tried to test me I was respectful but stood my ground. Was that wrong of me? I'm confused. As for the club I in these last 3 years climbed up the ranks and actually took over as President once I found out about this betrayal I disbanded the club to everyone's dismay. I do need to start fresh there's a lot of hope and good news I didn't write on here. I have been going to IC since DD twice a week and it has helped a lot. I realized why I was addicted to porn in the first place and why it was so hard for me to stop. Which I have some would say a little to late but.. My wife I know she's a good person and she did show remorse before she left. I believe this marriage is worth fighting for. Thanks again to all.

Kids or mortgage?

Seems like no. I'd recommend divorce. You guys are young and already kinda made some brash life decisions. Slow down a bit and focus on your personal growth.

Welcome to SI, I'm going to shoot strait with you, you are young and life is too short to waste it chasing a M that has was built on shaky ground. You have a second chance, take it and run!!!

My wife I know she's a good person and she did show remorse before she left. I believe this marriage is worth fighting for.

Brother, read that again, does that really make any sense? You cannot push pull or drag someone into R. Its worth fighting for? Fighting who? She left, you wouldn't be fighting for it, you would be rolling over and rugsweeping.

I'm sorry all of this happened, but there are such poor boundaries all around this situation. How do you let someone mess with your phone? It be like someone coming in your house, going into your bedroom and digging though your drawers, your personal stuff.

Sadly you can’t make someone love you. If she has truly moved on then let her go. Sometimes the only thing you can do is face the facts.
Here is a list of things you wrote:
She was 16 and "fell in love with a man in a uniform". It happens only she was barely old enough to drive.
You, as a Marine, toughened up, even though you were also young.
You were addicted to porn which hurt her.
You both got into a hobby that set you both up because of what sounds like a sociopath.
Your wife looked outside the marriage. She is dating the way she should have at 16, 17, 18, 20…
You should have been dating too.
Once the romance lost its glow the weak underpinnings of your marriage broke apart.

You have some choices. The best are to focus on your therapy and your job. Then after a while you will be mature enough to make decisions about who you love. In the meantime be realistic about your marriage. You have so much wonderful life ahead of you. Don’t let this derail you.

I’m sorry you have had such challenges in your marriage. It sounds like your wife is young and a bit immature IMO.

I don’t know if you have options. She’s not living with you and from all appearances it appears she has moved on — at least emotionally.

You may have to face the fact that even if you reconcile she’s not the same person. She’s now smoking weed and appears to have become a different person. Your marriage may or may not be salvaged at this point.

I hope you get some individual counseling for yourself. I think it will help you tremendously.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:05 PM, Thursday, May 11th]

Thanks for the update, Icarus!

I am glad to hear you are in IC. I really believe this will be a great help to getting things ironed out within yourself. I just wanted to give you an "atta-boy!"

Like I said in my earlier post, I think in order for your M to work you both need to be in IC. Is your WW in counseling? Her being "on her own" and having cheated twice in your M tells me she is involved with another guy, already. I hate to tell you that, but it seems to be supported by the fact she doesn't come around very often, except to pick up more stuff. Couple that with what The1stWife said about your WW having moved on emotionally, I think she has moved on emotionally AND physically. I think she has checked out of the M. I think she has grabbed her bags, left her key at the front desk, and taken a taxi.

IF your M is to survive, she (and I know this is a repeat) will have to seek IC for herself, to find out why she gave herself permission to violate the marital boundaries. Until she does that, she will not be a safe partner because she will do it again, IMHO.

You keep going on the path you have chosen and you will be a better man for it, whether for your current wife or the next one, should you decide to remarry. Likewise, let your WW go down the path she has chosen. If your paths cross in the future, you can re-evaluate getting back together based upon the man and woman you both have become. But, I think he needs this time and "space" to figure out whom she wants to be and how she wants to live. Don't wait on her, though. You might be waiting a very long time and miss out on the blessings of life, like a W who truly loves you and can be trusted, kids to fill your heart with joy, memories you will cherish for the rest of your life, great friends you never thought you could have, and so forth.