Welcome to the best place you never wanted to be, Aftermath. You will get a lot of support here. Everyone here has been through this, as The1stWife said. It has affected and scarred all of us in different ways. Take what helps you and leave the rest (or at least leave it until you’re ready for it).
In addition to the great advice that The1stWife gave you, I’ll add that one thing is breathtakingly consistent from WHs that are caught (as opposed to those who confess): they continue to lie and hide for as long as they can. You caught the hotel visit; your WH said it was a billing error. Then, you catch him at the hotel; he makes an excuse. You find another hotel bill; he admits to precisely 3 sexual encounters. . .AND he says that he was at the hotel for so long that last time to break up with her.
So what are the chances that you now have all of the information? They are very, very low indeed. He is only telling you what he HAS to tell you because you ALREADY have the goods on him. He volunteers nothing but waits to see what you know before admitting anything, usually after trying to lie his way through it again first.
Do you think it’s really likely that he just ran into a stranger at the mall and started having sex with her? If so, what are the real chances that he has never ever done that before and suddenly does it now. Your gut has been screaming at you for at least 6 weeks, so it has at least been going on that long.
The fact that he has not volunteered ALL of the information that you need in this situation, like who she is (full name and phone number, where he really knows her from, how long he has really known her, details of how their relationship developed, is she married/in a relationship too) and the full extent of their contact, is a HUGE red flag. He is not truly getting that you have a right to know who your intimate partner, co-parent, financial/life partner, and father of your children whose welfare you (and he) are responsible for is involved with and the details of how deep his betrayal of all of you goes. He is not truly getting the consequences of his betrayal for you, your kids, and yes, your brother who is now in business with you.
It may be true that this woman is inconsequential, but if you don’t know who she is, how will you know if he continues contact secretly, or if they cool it and wait it out for awhile before starting up again. She may know who you and your kids are. Are you truly comfortable with not knowing who she is so that you can protect yourself and your kids from her? Until you know who she is, you don’t know if it’s someone you know or not.
The OW in my case was someone who knew me, my children, and my family. She had been friends with my sister. If I had never known who she was, I could have run into her at any time and been none the wiser. As it was, I found out that she ran into my mom one day and asked how we were doing. My mom didn’t know anything about the A at the time. These are just things to think about when you have very few details about the A.
The greater question is how much you can trust and respect him again if he withholds information from you and can’t be honest. This is what killed my marriage ultimately—not the A, so much, but the fact that he couldn’t face himself or me, so he continued to lie and hide and sneak.
You said that your WH sold himself lies about your marriage and his life. That is exactly what my WH did, and ultimately, he never figured out how good he is at lying first and foremost to himself in order to do whatever the impulse comes over him to do in the moment. I think the wayward that can’t see his own dishonesty with himself is one of the most difficult types to recover because that habit is so ingrained they don’t even recognize the truth anymore.
It’s possible that this is a temporary thing with your WH or a life crisis, but only you will be able to judge that over time. For now, the usual advice is to keep your eyes open, watch what he DOES, not what he SAYS. And if you do more investigating, don’t confront every time you find something out. He will just get better at covering his tracks and lies. He has created this mess. If he can’t put the energy in to fixing it, if he feels sorry for himself, if he doesn’t start coming clean without being caught, you will know what you have to work with.
In the meantime, a lot of support will be on its way soon. Take care of yourself and your kids. Try to get out of the house and do something good for yourself. Drink and eat when you can—it’s easy to neglect yourself in this mess. Seek support from family and friends that you trust. And keep coming here when you need to.
I’m so sorry that you have to be here, but it’s a great place to be full of people who get it. Sending you hugs of support and strength.
EDITED TO ADD: It is generally advised that you don’t share this site with your WH—at least not at the start. You need a place where you can share your thoughts and get support without having to think about how he might react. Keep this as your safe space for now.
[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 9:59 AM, Monday, May 29th]