First and foremost, thank you all for the replies. I want to address some of the commentary:
My XWH is a covert narc, and he was always saying mean things and was very good at making home seem miserable.
I think all narcissists are like that. Mine certainly is. Like, this week, we had a get together with friends on Saturday and she spent all day, from dusk until dawn, running errands, setting up the place, cleaning up, all around being active. Then yesterday, even though she got a full night's sleep, she spent the entire day (it was us and the kid only at home) napping on the couch. Completely out of commission. BUT, she got a phone call from a female friend and she quickly got up and left to go shopping.
It's all part of the abuse cycle of a narc. He didn't have to keep the nice guy mask on at home like he did when we were out.
Indeed. No one at works knows of my wife's "dark side." Only me. She used to get home so unhinged I would have to remind her that, at home, she was safe... that we liked her... that nothing would happen to her at home... just to calm her down. Yet, her behavior would make you believe otherwise, that, at home, she was ready for a war.
Maybe she plays a certain roll at work and just stood being nice when she gets home?
I've seen her texts with the people she works with. She is IN NO WAY, SHAPE or FORM an emotional person. I've never heard her say "I love you" to a family member. She is very cold when it comes to emotion... until I read the messages with coworkers: "I miss you guys, I wish I was at the office, it's an honor to be working with such fine people, I love you guys, etc." I was dumbfounded, like I had met another person.
So, triplets ARE very uncommon. Doc wasn’t wrong there. And whether your wife released three eggs that cycle or one embryo divided, neither scenario would have anything to do with cheating on you with an OM.
I think you misunderstood what I said... I'm not saying her pregnancy had anything to do with it. Look, getting her pregnant with our first kid was a nightmare that took over a year and required her to get endless rounds of hormonal injections and then IVF (my sperm count was 2% below average). When we decided to have a second kid, she got pregnant naturally with triplets, lost 2 during a reduction and then lost the last one after 18 weeks. The giving birth to a dead child part threw her into a depression. I made multiple attempts at having her seek psychological help but she's a person with narcissistic tendencies that takes input from no one and decided to "plow through" life and dealing with the pain by making our relationship hell and her relationship with our only son as stale as possible.
Even though we were not having sex because, according to her, she was feeling down, by year 2 post miscarriage, she was buying and wearing Victoria Secrets thongs and very sexual attire, which she was only wearing to go to work. She also shaved and started taking care of her private parts and forced me to use condoms whenever we had intercourse. This whole period, between year 2 and year 7 was very tumultuous, because I was still in "baby loss mode" triggered by her mood swings, her lack of wanting to seek psychological help and me just trying to empathize with the loss, while she was undergoing a transformation to her old self that only her coworkers were seeing. Like I said, I'm not going to bother you with the multiple red flags but... the shaving down there, the taking a shower as soon as she came home from a coworker's get together, etc. The signs are there. Again, at the time I was still mourning our loss but, in hindsight, she seemed to be ok. I still remember her going to work and showing me the thongs she was wearing and asking me if I liked them as if... as if she were taunting me, as if to say "see? You're not getting any of this, someone else is." And then there's the conversation with her gynecologist, alone, after we found out she was pregnant with triplets, in which he told me repeatedly that this was "very, very odd."
The best thing you can do is see a divorce lawyer to find out what the process and likely outcome would look like if you went that route.
Thanks. That is the plan. She is about to depart for another trip and I can already tell she is getting into "single girl" mode (ring comes off most of the day, she's making plans with the (divorced) friends in the old country, making plans, meaning all the things she DOES NOT do with us).
I really don't see a way out of this and I know this is going to hit her like a ton of bricks but... I have to do it for my own sanity. This summer I plan on getting lawyerly advice, to get some solid footing as to where we stand and what I am facing as far as separation and divorce.
Like I said, any advice is welcomed.
[This message edited by Papi at 12:45 PM, Monday, June 19th]