SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. I'm new here. Last Thursday, a day after our 10 year wedding anniversary I received a phone call. In that phone call, someone I didn't know says 'Husband has a kid with OW. He's known for 18 months". My husband han an affair 4 years ago with this OW. I called him and told him to come home. He knew right away that I knew. When he got home it's then that I found out it's not some 4 year old. It's a 9 month baby. I'm broken on multiple levels. I think I'm still in shock. And I don't know what to do. Please be gentle on me...

I'm so sorry Stella. He can't be trusted. It is up to you whether or not you can live with another's child in your life or whether you feel this is a step too far. This has been going on at least four years. At least almost half your marriage. There is better out there, and you do deserve better.

(((Huge hugs))) you will get through this.

It doesn't feel like it at times. But you will.

You gave him grace to forgive the first time. I think you know what you should do now.

Protect yourself. See an attorney ASAP. Even if you decide later not to file, you need to know where you stand.

Keep posting. Better advice will come.

I am so sorry for you.

And the baby who is now in the middle of this. Poor innocent kid that has two parents who are keeping secrets and being shady.

See a lawyer. Find out your rights. Your H may be obligated to pay child support and that should not come of your income or earnings.

Find out if he has been giving $ to the OW/mother that you may not know about.

Also find yourself a good therapist to help you deal with this trauma.

Lastly there is a thread regarding betrayed spouses who have faced your exact situation. Look for it here at SI under the I Can Relate Section.

Oh Stella, I'm so sorry. What an absolute gut punch. I'm glad you've found us but I'm so sorry you find yourself in a situation where you did. An OC (other child) and knowledge of an ongoing affair (presumably long after your . I can't imagine the depth of the hurt you must be feeling. I was just about to write, "I imagine it doesn't even feel real yet" and then I scrolled up and saw the title of your post.

Do you and your spouse have children? What is the OW's situation - presumably she was behind the anonymous phone call. Has he been financially supporting the OW and paying her child support? Has there been a paternity test done? Is he still active in the A? What was his long-term plan here? What is your social network like? Do you have people in your life that know about the initial affair and you can lean on? Do you have family nearby you can stay with for a while to get some space (if you feel like that's what you need)? Are you managing to eat and drinking water (please abstain from alcohol for now) - I know how difficult maintaining basic functions can be? How is your sleep right now. Are you able to get out of bed in the morning? Does your employer know what is going on in your life? I imagine you're probably struggling to stay focused at work right now.

What has your gut telling you about what you want? For a lot of people they are inclined to stick around after the first A and work through things but after the second time, they are done. It's okay if you don't know - it's only been a week. The reality of it all probably hasn't quite sunk in quite yet. I'm not sure what your prior recovery from his initial infidelity looked like but if you haven't already, I recommend reading the articles in the healing library as a starting point. There is also a thread on the "I Can Relate" forum called "Dealing With OC" that is exclusively for members that are in situations similar to yours. The forum is not as active as some of the others but you may wish to read through the posts there to find the stories of other posters who have been in your shoes. You may also wish to introduce yourself so that those members can look out for you and provide you advice here.

Finally, I know firsthand that a spouse's A can absolutely destroy your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. Please know that none of this is your fault. He didn't have his A because of anything you did or didn't do, or because of anything you lack, he had the A because he is a deeply flawed and selfish person who is lacking in integrity. You deserve so much better.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting.

Hi Stella and welcome to SI. So sorry that you've had to find us. Unfortunately, with some of the brain chemistry that can go on due to the betrayal trauma, you have a hard time thinking. You probably are in shock, if not more.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful for new people. The Healing Library has a ton of good information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Please know that it wasn't anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. The A is 100% his choice. He had so many choices if something were wrong, but he chose to have an affair.

If you need medication for depression or sleep, please see your doctor. Also, you will need to get STD/STI tested.

There are two books I will recommend. The first is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald and is a great resource he needs to use to help you heal. You should read it too, as it might help you to be able to put words to what you're feeling. The second book is, "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. The chapter on windows and walls helped me to have a discussion with my XWH about boundaries.

Keep posting on this thread, and we'll help as you need.

Oh Stella,

I'm so very sorry.
My situation was different, but I vividly remember how it felt to be shocked and destroyed.

Give yourself the time and space to be able to take action that you feel is necessary.

For now, maybe ask him to stay with a friend or relative to give you time and space.

Reach out to your own network of trusted friends and family for support.

Be really kind to yourself in this time. Remind yourself that his actions weren't due to any failing on your part. They were due to his own selfishness and lack of empathy and his own lack of boundaries.

Be kind about anything you can't make yourself do right now and just take care of yourself in the most fundamental ways: eat, drink water, go for a walk, try to sleep.

Our support is with you dear sister.

Hi, Stella, so sorry you find yourself here. My heart is broken for you.

Gently, I know you are probably still in shock, but you must meet with an attorney asap IF you have children together. If the OW files first, she may get the lion's share of the available child care money.

What happened four years ago when you found out about the affair? Apparently the affair never really stopped, so he's been cheating almost half of your marriage.

Please find a good IC for yourself and meet with your OBGYN so she can test you for STDS. Lean on TRUSTED family members and friends, lean on the clergy if you are so inclined, and lean on us for support. We've all been through this hell, different stories, same pain.

You will get through this...one baby step at a time.

Again, gently, your husband has shown you who he is more than once, please believe him. You cannot trust him.

You deserve so much more than the rotten hell he has put you through.

Sending a virtual hug...

I’m so sorry!! I can’t imagine getting a call like that!! WH fathering another child would be an absolute deal breaker for me. And after WH’s A ended in 2012, I waited a very long 9 months on pins and needles thinking that the OW was gonna show up with an infant in tow. That didn’t happen but the fact that it could’ve happen was my lost on me. Cheaters behave so recklessly and stupidly. I hope you get an STD panel done - you never know. How your WH was able to keep this a secret for SO LONG is beyond my comprehension. Please keep coming here for support - we are here for you. In the meantime read as much as you can in the pinned posts on this forum. Take care of yourself, practice self care, eat, stay hydrated. {{{{hugs}}}}

Stella, I understand completely.

Personally, I was in shock for around six months