To be honest, when I got to the point where I seriously started to consider leaving, was when I made my biggest break-throughs. It's when my empathy came back.
The thing is, up until that point, I had been doing everything I could to control the outcome(s). I wanted her to stay, I wanted her to love me again, I wanted it to be like it used to be... however if you count the number of "I wanted's..." in that sentence, then maybe you'll begin to understand that it was still all about me. What I wanted. I didn't know what she wanted because I never asked her. I just assumed that she wanted those things too, and I also assumed that was what was best for her. That's the selfish state of mind that most WS's get stuck in.
When I started to finally question if I should leave, if I was just an anchor weighing her down, was when things changed. To be honest, the narrative that had been reverberating around in my skull was that I was simply never going to be happy ever again. I realized that no matter how things ended, I'd lose. At the time, she hated my guts, and was ready to leave as soon as our daughter graduated high school. I knew that if we stayed together in that kind of toxic relationship, that it would be awful. On the other hand, I was terrified, terrified to the point of feeling incapable, of living alone, on my own, with no one to give a damn about me.
And that's when the first empathetic thought came back to me. And that thought, was simply, that SHE deserved to be happy. And you'll notice there is no "I want" in that statement. It was, finally, all about her. Which is what it needed to be all along.
To be fair, it wasn't that clean and simple. There was a part I skipped. Going back to the point above, where I was terrified of living alone, I had a breakthrough. In my head, I had started to try and visualize what my life would be like without her. More specifically, what it would be like to live on my own. I was very concerned about my own decision making. I worried that I might just fall apart from the thought of loneliness, and that might lead me to start dating again way too soon. I figured I'd accept the first person who didn't reject me, and end up in a crappy relationship again. Or worse, that no one would ever want me again, and that I'd live my life alone, in a small room, breathing in and out day by day until I got lucky enough to die and end my misery. Not pretty thoughts, certainly not comforting ones.
But here's the thing. Life at the time, after D-day, was just so goddamn awful. It was painful, every single day, all day. There was no love, no joy, no hope really. I have suffered all kinds of abuse, neglect and emotional trauma in my life... more than my fair share. But the aftermath of infidelity was the worst I have ever felt. Ever. I was sick of feeling that way. More than that, I started to realize that I was sick of making HER feel like that. My existence complicated everything. I tried to picture what HER life would be like if I left. And I realized that... she'd be okay. She was the breadwinner in the house, so money wasn't something she needed from me. She had a group of friends to support her. Our two older kids were from a previous marriage and would stick with her. And she's a force of nature. Yes, she'd be incredibly hurt, but she wouldn't allow that to stop her from finding joy again. And I knew she would, be happy again, without me.
Without ME.
She'd find someone new. I know this because she's beautiful and strong and smart and amazing. She'd find a man who isn't broken, a man who is capable of true love, a man that didn't make her feel rejected and unloved... and as much as it hurt to think it, I knew that she simply deserved that happiness. And that I was keeping her from it by sticking around.
I had cheated on her. I destroyed everything, her world, my world, the kids world. And yet, here I was, still hanging around, still asking for love from her, from the kids... you know, all the people I just shit all over, and then didn't have the decency to just leave.
Again, re-read what I wrote and you'll notice that the "I want's" are entirely gone, and the "she deserves" replaced them. It wasn't that I didn't want to be happy, and thought of someone else loving her killed me in ways I cannot describe. But that didn't matter. Those things were my consequences for what I had done. I had earned my misery. But not the right to make her miserable too.
I dunno. I don't even know where I'm going with this. The point is, when you get to the point where you are capable of empathy again, it changes everything. It stops the constant shame spiral. Not being weighed down with selfish thoughts about my own desires actually opened up space and time in my heart to think about other people instead. And guess what? I'll tell you a secret. People really appreciate it when you stop being a self-absorbed piece of shit, and show them some understanding and empathy. In fact, if you truly own your shit, AND show empathy... they tend to forgive you. Surprisingly, they may even forgive you for things you haven't forgiven yourself for. Because all they ever wanted was for you to admit and own your shit.
We're at a very different place now in our lives, and in our relationship. Yeah, things are still tough, and sad, and confusing a little bit. But it's a "normal" level of worry, more like worrying about whether it's going to rain or not, instead of soul-killing pain 24x7. Talking about the affair is easy now, comforting even. We talk about things, how we feel, what we want, and how those things effect both of us. We do everything together. We've moved several times, and are now in the process of planning our retirement years together.
I'm not sure how to advise you. The thing is, this is MY story. Not yours. If you really don't love her, or really can't be faithful, then do the right thing and allow her go be with someone who CAN give her those things, because she deserves it.
But also allow this to be a catalyst in YOUR life. Stay or go, it doesn't matter, you still HAVE to do the work on yourself, or you remain broken. So don't allow yourself to think that, "Oh, if I leave, then I don't have to do all this hard work". That's bullshit. That's like an alcoholic that got busted for a DUI thinking, "Oh, I'll just move somewhere else where they don't know I'm a drunk". It doesn't fix the problem, it just relocates it. Until you do the work, you remain a danger to your family, to future relationships of any kind, and most of all, to yourself. You also deserve happiness! And the only person stopping you, is you. Learn to love yourself, truly, and all that fog and pain go away, like magic. Self-respect is like a shield that protects you. It makes the path clear in most situations. You choose the right thing to do, the things that allow you to respect yourself. When you live your life respecting yourself, there is no need for shame, and no reason to wallow in guilt. Instead, you do better. You become a better person. And the world becomes a better place as a result.
Good luck.