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I'm going to say this again. This is a level of betrayal that is really in the category of sick and broken.
Stop blaming the other woman. He willing engaged. I urge you to see him for the monster he is.

Please go reread my post on page 2. Start taking some actions to protect you and your dtr. This is a level of messed up that puts you and your child in actual danger.

I know you believe he would never.....but I think you know he would. Please see the police and report this. Don't become another victim. Get it on record.

^^^Tush hit the nail on the head.

What he did/said is sick and depraved and extremely concerning bc I agree he put your safety at risk.

Please do everything you need to to protect yourself and your DD.

He’s been doing it for 10 years but it’s only in the last 5 months that he’s been sending my photos. He says he knew it had gone to far, he had crossed a line and wanted to stop but couldn’t. I think in the beginning he did compartmentalise it and that’s how he was able to start but obviously it took over. He still says he compartmentalised the whole thing but you’re right Hellfire, bringing me into it is merging the two and not compartmentalising.

I also can’t believe how stupid and dangerous he’s been by sending her his photos and his voice saying he wants to rape and abuse me. I’ve told him she could have ruined his life over this, threatened to release it to his family. People get blackmailed over this stuff. He put himself at risk too. He says this never occurred to him.

In every day life he doesn’t think of himself like this. He has morals and values. If we watch a reality show on tv and someone is cheating he is horrified, he can’t abide it. He will declare his awful it is and ask how I can watch it. He can’t watch horror films, or any drama or tv show that has abuse in it. When I’ve watched tv shows like that in the past he’s said he thinks it sick how anyone can enjoy watching something like that. He will leave the room. If there’s a news story of someone being raped or physically abused, he can’t read it as it upsets him to much. I wonder if the reason he can’t abide any of this is because it is like someone holding up a mirror to him and it makes him feel uncomfortable being confronted with that part of him that he chooses to keep hidden. When I played him the voice notes he sent her he couldn’t bear to listen to them. He kept putting his hands over his ears and punching himself in the head, begging me to make it stop. He said if I made him listen to any more he would get his knife out and hurt himself. He said he can’t reconcile who he really is with what he was saying in the voice notes. He said it sounds like him but it’s not him, it’s like another person saying it in his voice.

To everyone saying to go to the police I really cannot do that. He said to me that I can go to the police but to tell him first. That aroused my suspicion and I asked him if it’s so he can end it before he gets he arrested and he said yes. He wouldn’t be able to live with the shame of it becoming public. Despite everything he’s done he’s the father of my child and I can’t have him kill himself. I can’t live with that on my conscience and deprive her of a father. He is seeking help and I have to give him the chance to fix himself.

I wonder if the reason he can’t abide any of this is because it is like someone holding up a mirror to him and it makes him feel uncomfortable being confronted with that part of him that he chooses to keep hidden.

I think you're totally right on this, and it's exactly what I was going to say. It's the same as the discomfort my mom feels if she's forced to watch one of the Hoarder TV shows because she knows it's the life she leads, and she doesn't want to face it in real life. However, it IS their real life. He can pretend it isn't, but it is. He just put on a big show to make you think he's different than he is.

I'm going to be very harsh here. And,I'm very sorry,because I think you are fragile. But you are very clearly also in shock,and denial. And you need to wake up.

He's "only" sent out your pictures for months. Don't minimize. And,you don't known what you don't know. Can you see all of the communications from the last 10 years? All of it, with every woman? No. You are trusting the words of a man who is capable of great deception. For at least a decade he has had no problem lying to you.

This man continues to manipulate you. Tell him before going to the police, so he can kill himself first. He knows all of your buttons,and strings. He knows that threat will keep you from the police,and he's using it to get you to stop talking about it because he just can't deal with it. Which is such bullshit. Je has known what he's done. He had NO PROBLEM with it. None. He just wants you to leave it alone and pretend he didn't do this.

This will be hard to hear, but he's a horrible father. A good father sets a good example..he acts with integrity, even when she's not around. A good father doesn't cheat on his family for a decade, risking his children's happiness,security, and well being. A good father protects his wife,and shows his daughter how a woman should be treated by a man. He pretended to be a good dad. It's a lie. He was messaging at least one woman,talking about the ways he would let you be raped,with his child in the room.

He is a danger to you, AND YOUR CHILDREN.

A good man doesn't have these thoughts. Yes, the rape fantasy is a common one,amongst women and men. But not when the woman is his wife.

The man you thought you knew IS THE SAME MAN WHO GOT OFF ON THE THOUGHTS OF YOU BEING RAPED. Would the man you thought you knew ever even think of this? No. He is not that man. This is who he is.

Stop believing wvery word out of his mouth. He is lying. He keeps contradicting himself. He's in CYA(Cover your ass) mode. He's manipulating you,and you are allowing it.

I told my porn loving husband about what your husband has been doing. He was horrified. His first words were, "he doesn't love her." He said a husband's job is to protect his wife. He said that he worries when I'm out, by myself, especially at night. He's worried someone will harm me. It gives him great anxiety. And the thought of someone raping me makes him sick,angry,etc. That there is no way he could ever get off on a fantasy of me being hurt like that. He said he has never heard of a man who did this. That your husband is dangerous.

You can not trust him with your safety. Go to the police. Don't warn him. Tell the cops about the suicidal threats. They will get him the help he needs. And your husband won't use suicide as a way to control you again.

Your safety is important. I know..you don't think you are in danger. And, a few weeks ago, you didn't know how depraved your husband is.

Women do actually get killed because they found out horrible things about their husband. Happens every day. A good majority of them probably felt they were physically safe..until they weren't.

Broken....I read your last post three times to make sure I understood it. Has it occurred to you that he really is this monster you have discovered, and that the playacting and compartmentalizing is really him playing good dad and husband to keep his cover regarding what he really is?

I know you don't want to believe he would ever hurt you, but reread your own post and think about it with detachment. You seem to see that he is horrified at the recognition of what he is. I see him as horrified by the idea of being exposed, and what you see as remorse is in actuality an effort at damage control and containment.

I do not think you are stupid or delusional for believing what he is saying. He knows exactly what makes you tick and he's playing you like a fiddle. He has been all along. You came off of a 7 year violent relationship before you met him. You were the perfect target for someone like him. He already knew you were a person inclined to give the benefit of the doubt, explain things away, and put up with more. You have actually demonstrated that willingness to move the bar in this thread. In your first post you indicate there were at least 50 women he's been involved with, maybe more. But as the reality of his violent fantasies about you unfolded, they got totally glossed over. For most spouses, one is too many, but worthy of a second chance. Five, ten, fifty,...not a chance.

So it may seem harsh that people are telling you to call the police, but in reality there is an aspect of this you should consider. You said he couldn't bear to listen to his voice saying those violent disgusting things. His reaction was extreme. You are interpreting it as shame. I read it as fear. I have to wonder if he is scared to death of those recordings because he has been involved in violent rape, and his voice could be recognized. If that's the case, he now knows you have the goods on him, and he'll do anything to make it go away. I would recommend you watch the documentary "Dirty John". He almost killed a woman's daughter who caught on to who he was.

Please stop talking to him. You are exposing yourself to further manipulation every time you listen to him. And no, your daughter doesn't need him in her life. You yourself said she is disgusted with him and wants nothing to do with him. This is about you.

I have to wonder if he is scared to death of those recordings because he has been involved in violent rape, and his voice could be recognized.

I had the same thought.

I had the same thought

10000%

What you are understanding as remorsw, regret, shame, as an outsider I see it as fear and manipulation.

Remorse presents a wanting to do anything and everything the betrayed is needing to heal and recover regardless of how it impacts themselves.

My heart absolutely breaks for you because it is a nightmare, but so thankful for the members here who are sharing the hard truth and adding my prayers that you take the advice and start putting yourself and your daughter first. The time to protect your husband is long past...he has done nothing to protect you, or your daughter, so the one you need to focus on taking care of is you.

I've supported several organizations over the years involved in exploited women and children--you have NO idea of where those photos of you have been distributed. You have NO idea if he has shared photos of your daughter. Those are NOT going to be found on a google search. The "dark web" is a very real thing and even photos many of us post as completely innocent on social media can be turned into some sick things in these forums. He has no idea of who he actually sent those pictures to nor what they did with them long after he "forgot."

He is manipulating you throughout all of this--his "shame", his "fear", his self-harm threats, his "I forget" is ALL about him and nothing about you or your daughter. He's even got you convinced not to look into the possible danger you are in because of how it reflects on him. Seriously? Have you ever heard the saying, "Me thinks thou protests too much?" That sounds like what he's been doing for years unable to even see TV shows or movies? Yeah, he wasn't freaked out by them, he was building up his persona around you knowing what was actually going on.

I'm a dx'd co-dependent and well know how easy it is to focus on the other person, rather than taking hard action to protect myself, but even I could not ignore all of the flags here. He is not a safe person for you OR for your daughter. Thankfully she seems to understand that, now you need to do the same.

If you won't go to the police (or even a private investigator), I am so hopeful you will go immediately to an attorney who can help you with the possible legal aspects of this. It's not even about a divorce at this point, it's protecting yourself against all of the rest that could be happening out of your control.

I saw him yesterday and he drove us to the police station and offered to hand himself in to the police. He said he cannot live like this not knowing and would rather just get it over and done with. I know people will think he’s calling my bluff but he’s not. You will all think i’m crazy but I told him not to because I’m not strong enough. All our devices would be taken and searched, this could take months or years. They would read all the messages we’ve sent to each other. They would read the messages I sent to this woman. I would be interviewed and probably my daughter too. If he gets charged with anything he may lose his job and then he won’t be able to pay the mortgage. His family would know and his reputation will be destroyed and I know he deserves it but it’s just not something I can do.

He has given me everything - all our life savings. He is going to give me the house and pay my bills. He has moved into the cheapest place he can possibly find so he can help more financially. He has taken on extra hours at work. He is doing everything he can. He is sick in the head and has violent fantasies but I know that they are just fantasies and I know in my heart that he would never hurt me or anyone in real life. He is seeking a psychiatric assessment and is going to tell them everything to see if there is any mental illness causing this.

I have spoken to a sexual violence charity and they are going to support me and offer me some counselling and advice. It is all on record with them so even though the police don’t know other people do.

He isn’t on the dark web, he only uses an iPad and phone and I have checked everything and there is no evidence of this. I am also able to view every app he has downloaded in the past 8 years and there are no cheating apps or dating apps other than the messaging app he used. I have got into his email and checked that as well. He is not technically minded so none of this has been particularly difficult to find out and he didn’t make any real effort to hide anything.

I know people are worried and I understand everyone’s concerns but I have to do what’s right for me.

You have no idea where your pictures will end up. You have no control over that. He has no control over that.

That is what you need to be prepared for.

You have no idea where your pictures will end up. You have no control over that. He has no control over that.

That is what you need to be prepared for.

Sadly I am aware of that. Although he sent a photo of my face the intimate photos don’t show my face so at least that’s something. Although I do have a unique tattoo and I’m not sure if that’s in any of the photos so I could possibly be identified that way by someone who knew me.

If he wasn't calling your bluff,he would have driven by himself to the police station, and talked to them without you there.

You don't have to be full of technical knowledge to know how to delete pics, emails, videos, messages, and apps. Or to empty the trash folder in your phone.

It sounds like you are going to try to reconcile?

A month ago,you never would have thought him capable of all of this. I'd caution you in thinking you know he wouldn't do this or that.

If he wasn't calling your bluff he would have driven by himself to the police station, and talked to them without you there

.

I got in the car with him to ask him for the keys to the house and told him how scared I was. That’s why he drove there. I do believe if I asked him to he would hand himself in.

You don't have to be full of technical knowledge to know how to delete pics, emails, videos, messages, and apps. Or to empty the trash folder in your phone.

You’re right but he also left a lot of stuff lying around for me to find. He didn’t seem to make any real effort to hide it.

It sounds like you are going to try to reconcile?

Part of me still loves him and grieves for the marriage I thought we had. In my heart I know I can never forgive him. Part of me despises him. The thought of being intimate with him makes my skin crawl knowing what I now know. I know I deserve better than him

I've spent some time thinking about your situation, over the last few days. Something that has occurred to me..something I admit,I was hoping someone else would mention it,because I wanted to know I wasn't the only knew who thought of it.

IF what he says is true,that he sent your non intimate pictures out,because he was proud of how you looked,and wanted to show you off, it is very reasonable to think he also sent pics of his children to people,because he is proud,and wanted to show him off.

Almost all BS,believe they have the entire story, in the first few weeks. Their ws is talking,and they believe them. The thing is, in those first few weeks,months, the ws is almost always still lying. Still withholding the entire truth. Still only telling what they think is the minimum info their bs needs to know. Most of what you've found out, you had to dig into messages,his phone, etc. But, with this last at least 10 years, there's a lot you don't know.

You are making decisions on the very little you do know, and the words of a man who has lied and manipulated you for years.

I strongly suggest a polygraph if you consider R. The chances that he hasn't been with someone in person are very low. You don't think so because you say he is self conscious. Gently, there is an entirely other side of him that you don't know, and you do not know what he is capable of. You also need to know if he sent pics of the kids to people. For me,as a very protective mother, that would be a deal breaker. You also need to know if he has carried out his rape fantasy into real life.

Stop saying you aren't strong. You can't become strong while telling yourself you aren't. 180. Work on yourself. Go NC for awhile. See what work he does on himself,when you aren't pushing him to do it. Detach. Work on becoming stronger. This is absolutely vital for your recovery.

I agree with the above ^^^^. He already HAS put you and your kids in danger. You THINK you know him, but you do not. I promise, there is more. I guarantee there is. Take alllll the electronics NOW and give them to your attorney to have them meticulously gone through. Do it NOW. You have only gotten the tip of the iceberg. Do NOT let him have these devices until a thorough forensic investigation has been done on them. Seriously. Your family's very lives depend on it!

The scariest thing about the monsters who live among us is that they seldom look or act like monsters to those closest to them. If they did, they would be so much easier to find, but they are very, very good at what they do and how they present themselves. How many interviews after someone is caught repeat the same declarations: "He was such a nice guy; last person you would think; he was a church leader, Scout leader, life of the party." There's a movie out now (and I've listened to the wife on a podcast) called "Betrayal: The Perfect Husband." And it's just the reality of so many of these outwardly great people who live a completely separate hidden life. Including taking pictures of their children and friends. And they are *never* technology savvy and yet somehow manage to do whatever they want to as well, right under the watchful eyes of those closest to them.

If he's using secret or hidden software, he wouldn't need to hide his devices from you. And frankly, you won't see it easily if he is. I'll be honest here, I used a monitoring program on my ex's computer and TOLD him I was monitoring, and he couldn't see it so didn't believe me. I'm in my 60's, it's not that hard to do and there are plenty of others who can walk you/him through the process.

I'm like the others here, I do believe you and your daughter are in danger and he's manipulating you through his over-the-top antics and fear of embarrassment to do anything about it. If you won't go to the police--and any messages you might have sent to the woman is so minor, that should be your last concern--then at least get his electronics to someone who can identify hidden software or folders. He can erase things, but the evidence will be there. And again, even IF he wasn't posting pictures somewhere else, he has no idea of who he's really been communicating with and what they could be doing with them or any of the messages/stories written or shared.

I'm guessing these messages have upset you and I'm sorry for that, but it's hard to read your messages and not flash back to all of the stories of others who were too trusting and sure their husband/wife/partner was different, that we just don't understand...until it was too late. If nothing else, please don't sweep this under a rug for your daughter's sake, if not your own. ((hugs))

I do understand everyones concerns as I would be saying the same. I know he doesn’t have any secret or hidden software as he isn’t that smart. He’s impulsive and can’t plan ahead. I was able to view the messages on his phone as he made no attempt to hide it. I even knew his password. He’s left a digital trail that I’ve been able to view. I also have his iPad and I have gotten all of his saved passwords from it and am able to view all his downloaded apps. He won’t have cheated in real life. He has no friends and never goes anywhere. We are always together. This is a man who didn’t even loose his virginity until he was 26 as he is so self conscious around women.

He says he hasn’t sent any photos of our daughter and I believe him. He doesn’t even have social media as he has no interest in sharing photos of our everyday family life with people. He has always said he doesn’t see the point. The only reason he shared the photos of me is because it’s sexual and it would aid their fantasies together. I think him saying he wanted to show me off is just his way of trying to justify it.

I want to wish you and your daughter all the best and the strength to deal with this.

I know you don't want to take him to the police, but have you taken everything into consideration? This man isn't the man you thought he was. He initiated the talks about you to several women until he found someone who had the same fantasies. In his mind he wanted to punish you and 2,5 years ago he found someone to do this with (in his mind). He has been found out, he seems erratic.

He knows he has lost it all, which is extremely risky. Not just for himself, but also for you. He is probably scared that everyone will find out about this. I am just scared of a 'family drama'. In which a person sees no perspective, and decides to end it, for everybody in the family.

You have known the person who was able to hide all of this. He isn't even that person anymore. He is now a person that lost everything that was dear to him. And you said it yourself "He’s impulsive and can’t plan ahead". I'm extremely concerned with your safety and that of your daughter. Because a dangerous man like this might feel that ending it for everybody will be better for everybody, than dealing with the risk of everybody (especially your daughter) finding out what he did.

If you look around this site, you will see a repeated pattern.

"He's not technology savvy.." Then she discovers he has many hidden folders,Google voice, several hidden email accounts, and a burner phone.

"He doesn't have time to cheat. Hes always with me,or at work." Then she finds out he was taking days of work to spend in hotels. Or having sex in the parking lot at work. My husband fits this category. Never late. Always with me. But he found the time.

"He's too self conscious to cheat in person. He's shy." Then they find out he's been paying hookers for years. Part of that payment is..it's implied..they will love everything about him and tell him how hot he is.

My point is, this forum is filled with women who have husbands who "would never." And,yet, they did.

I know in my heart that he would never hurt me or anyone in real life.

Dear lady. He has gaslighted you into believing this. He has hurt you IN REAL LIFE. THIS IS REAL LIFE!!!

Are you going to attend his first IC meeting? Because,unless you do,he is NOT going to tell the IC what he's done. He's as terrified of people finding out as you are. He will go, but it will be about something entirely different. I'd bet my farm that he wouldn't bring up what he's actually done.

He is now a person that lost everything that was dear to him. And you said it yourself "He’s impulsive and can’t plan ahead". I'm extremely concerned with your safety and that of your daughter. Because a dangerous man like this might feel that ending it for everybody will be better for everybody,

You need to read that,over and over. You aren't concerned about him harming you,based on who you thought he was. Not who he is. It's dangerous.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:09 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]