SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all – first time poster. Not happy to be a new member of this club, but grateful to have found this site.

WH (48) and I (BS-45) have been married for 23 years (together for 26) and we have two kids (10, 17). I’ve loved him more than half my life and he was my best friend. I really thought we were the ones that were going to share the rest of our lives together, happily.

D-Day was last Thursday. My WH has been paying escorts for sex.

I always knew he was in to porn. While not my thing, personally, it didn’t bother me that he liked to watch it. A few years ago I accidentally busted him for going to a strip club (he had handed me his phone to put an address in to Google maps and the last spot he had searched for – a strip club – was still in the search bar.) I was really upset. He didn’t see the difference between the club and porn (and I know a lot of people don’t), but it made me uncomfortable and I told him I didn’t want him to go. He promised me he wouldn’t and said he didn’t know it would upset me so much.

Also around that time, there had been a definite shift in WH. I could tell he was super stressed with work and his job does make a work/life balance difficult, but we’ve always made it work. He became moody, snippy with the kids and wasn’t patient at all (NOT his normal self). I would try to bring it up to him, but he would get defensive and I would drop it. I convinced myself that he was just stressed and I was just being paranoid.

Then came a "boys trip" he insisted on going on with a friend who I had never even heard him speak about. He told me it was someone he used to work with, who had just gone through a really bad divorce and was needing a fun weekend. I was shocked since this trip was just out of the blue and when I asked him more about this friend he was super dodgey and defensive about it. He went on the trip and my gut feel was saying something was all wrong. I looked through his computer/email and found nothing out of the ordinary. When he got home, I snuck his phone and went through it – again, found nothing and he DID have photos of him and this friend on the trip, as well as a text from the friend thanking him for coming and that it was a great to hang out together. I – again – convinced myself I was just being paranoid.

Ever since then, there would be times where my gut just me something was off. There would be times he wouldn’t answer the phone and when I would try to track him (our whole family share our locations with each other) and his location couldn’t be found. I asked him about a few times, and he always just acted confused and said he didn’t know why it was saying his location couldn’t be found – must have been to being in a spot with low service, or something just not working right in the phone. Again, I told myself I was just being paranoid.

That brings us to D-Day. He had gone out of town for one night (he travels a lot for work – this is common) and I had missed his call earlier in the night due to shuffling our youngest kid from activities. When we got home, I tried to call him (twice) but he didn’t answer. When he did call me back, I could tell he was outside and asked him where he was. He was super vague and said he had just gotten dinner (this was 9:00 at night). My gut told me it was a lie, so when we got off the phone, I immediately tracked him and briefly saw he was at a place that sounded like it might be a strip club, but then the location was suddenly lost and I couldn’t reload it (he clearly switched his location sharing to off probably at that time). BUT I had gotten a glimpse of it, so I looked it up and I was right – it was a strip club. I don’t know why, but something told me to check the computer, too. I looked through his recently closed tabs thinking it would pull up some kind of a strip club search or something so I could use that when I confronted him about going to the club again – but what I found was a gmail account that I didn’t even know he had. It opened and while at first look all of the messages were nothing concerning (mostly junk mail) I went through all of the folders and that’s when I found it. He had gotten a google voice number and I guess it sends copies of text exchanges to the gmail account associated with the voice number. I saw him agreeing to prices, addresses and room numbers of hotels, even a "Thanks, that was fun!" response. There was no questioning what it all meant – it was laid out in black and white. I took pictures of everything.

I called him back and confronted him. He tried to play dumb, but while on the phone I texted him a few of the photos I had taken of the conversations and he just went silent. I hung up. I then proceeded to rip the house apart and found his stash of condoms. He must have left right then, because he was home several hours later (he wasn’t due home until the afternoon the next day). I told him I saw everything, threw his condoms at him and broke down. I then went to our bedroom. He later came in, but laid down on the floor next to the bed.

We finally talked the next day. He owned up to it and kept telling me he was sorry. He told me he would do anything to save our marriage. I could have him install any app/etc. on his phone that I wanted to track/copy text/etc., I had full access to his phone/computer any time and he wanted me ask him anything, anytime. We continued to talk over the weekend. He keeps telling me he’s sorry. He always answers my questions. He’s never once blamed anything on me/our relationship and says he knows he’s the one at fault. I told him I needed to know EVERYTHING if there was any hope of us staying together. He says it was two escorts. He doesn’t remember how many total times, but he’s "Sure it was no more than five times." (I have no idea how he could claim to not know how many times, but be so sure it wasn’t more than five) He admits it first started right before the boys trip I wrote about above. He says he wore condoms every time. He even fessed up to becoming addicted to vaping (so NOT in his nature – I mean even back in the day in college, this was like the one guy in the bar who wouldn’t at least socially smoke)and said he’s been trying to quit. He said he knows that at this point there no reason to lie or hide anything from me, so he might as well be completely open.

That bring us to now. I’m going to my doc tomorrow for STD testing. He’s finding/booking a appt. with a therapist this week. He deleted the google voice app and understands that there is to be no contact at all with any escorts– not even for just pictures/videos (which he had also been paying for). I know I need therapy as well. I had what I think was a panic attack Saturday. I’m a roller coaster of emotions and keep jumping from one phase of the grief/loss process to another.

My mind tells me to leave. My heart tells me not to let a hooker blow up our marriage/family. I’m just trying to keep my shit together for my kids. I’m SO f’ing tired.

First, take care of yourself. This is a major trauma and you're going to need triage. Find someone you trust to have a conversation with and bring them up to speed. Don't make any major decisions right now, because you're still knocked off balance. Tell your husband that you don't want to speak to him until you've had time to process this, and see if he can stay for a day or two with a friend while you tend to yourself.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you are here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you might find helpful, as well as some with a bull's eye icon (you might have to page through for those). Also, the Healing Library has a bunch of great information, including a list of acronyms we use. There's also a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum for emotionless infidelity.

Has your WH (wayward husband) gotten tested for STD's? How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a fairly short book, and is a good primer for your WH to follow. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist was so helpful for me. If you can go to one, I would highly recommend it.

If you're having trouble with things, see your doctor for some medication. You likely won't need to be on it forever, but sometimes we need help getting through the early days.

You may wish to request a timeline of the escort visits, along with an approximation of the amount of money (marital assets) spent.

The emotional rollercoaster is real, and will pick you up and drop you off many times.

The tale of it being "two escorts" is probably just the same as telling the cop that pulls you over for DUI that it was just "two beers". Beware, the body count is probably much higher, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry you're in this position. I've been there.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself a member of this great club no one wants to join.

Gently, I think you need to do more digging. IMO this has been going on for years, I'd insist on a timeline, dig back into your phone bill and credit card statements, and figure out how to do a forensic search on your computer.

Understand cheaters lie. Every.single.one.of.them. They try to minimize their actions, and sometimes when confronted with undeniable proof they will still lie.

Your gut has been screaming for a very long time, please trust it. I'd also question that boys trip. Cheaters are master manipulators, my WH had his AP listed in his phone as a MAN.

If he claims five times, multiply 2 or 3. Or more.

He said he knows that at this point there no reason to lie or hide anything from me, so he might as well be completely open.

^^^IMO, he's lying.

Adding: Please ask your MD for temporary medications to help you sleep or cope. Many of us here took them just to get through the initial trauma and shock.

[This message edited by annb at 9:18 PM, Monday, October 23rd]

My mind tells me to leave. My heart tells me not to let a hooker blow up our marriage/family

Space to think might be a good thing right now. Do whatever is best for you and your mental/emotional/physical health.

A hooker didn't blow up your marriage, your husband's conscious, repeated choices did.

A separation doesn't have to lead to divorce, but it can give you time to think and get the support you need without the burden of seeing his fallout and emotions.

Just an option.

Ma'am, I am so very sorry you are facing this travesty of your Husbands betrayal. You are still in shock as your world has been up-ended.

To your reaction:

My mind tells me to leave. My heart tells me not to let a hooker blow up our marriage/family. I’m just trying to keep my shit together for my kids. I’m SO f’ing tired.

This whiplash of reactions is normal and completely understandable. On this site and others its referred to as the roller coaster and it is exhausting.

In the near term, get as much support arround you as you can. A good therapist, trusted family and friends, etc. Don't go it alone. Resist coming to any conclusions right now. Let some of the dust settle.

It is quite probable you only know a percentage of what there is to know about his adultery. Lying, deception, minimizing are all part and parcel of infidelity. Its going to take time to gain majorative understanding of what actually happened and if you are still open to attempting reconciliation in the weeks and months ahead, you may need to avail yourself of a tool like a polygraph in order to establish a baseline of truth.

If his infidelity was restricted to these incidents of paying for sex workers, it brings with it a whole other bundle of issues. The devaluing of sexual intimacy in an affair is very common. What was thought to be special has now been trashed. However, commoditizing sex through the use of prostitutes takes it to a much baser level. It is indicative of an extremely problematic mindset that can be wildly difficult to overcome even if both parties profess a desire to reconcile. I say all that to say that it is an extremely steep grade to climb.

Again. Take. Your. Time.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here little sister.

Your WH is not a safe partner at the moment. I'm glad you're getting yourself tested, and highly advise you not to have sex with him until he can prove that he is a safe partner and that he has a clean bill of health, assuming you still want to be with him. Please do follow up with your doctor and a counselor to make sure that you have the support necessary to take care of your health. Depression is real and it does hit hard if you don't deal with it constructively.

I agree with annb, that there's likely much, much more to his story. It's pretty standard for cheaters to claim it only happened once, until you find out that it happened twice, and then until you find out it happened three times...
You already know he is capable of lying and betrayal - trust your gut here.

You don't have to decide on whether you want to divorce or give him another chance until you're ready. But you do have to protect yourself and focus on your healing. If you haven't already, check through the Healing Library articles for the 180. It's a way to rebuild your self esteem and recenter your life with a clearer goal in mind.

It's normal to feel confused, angry, sad, and tired. It will take time to heal through this. But if you can commit to yourself and your wellbeing, you will be okay eventually.

I just wanted to thank everyone who has responded - I really appreciate you for taking the time to comfort a complete internet stranger. I have been tested for STDs and so has my husband (both awaiting results). I will hopefully be getting meds soon from my doc (we spoke about it yesterday and I wanted time to think on it - I’ve decided I do need something) I’ve also reached out to a therapy office that specializes in infidelity trauma and am just waiting on them to call me to set up an intake. I told my husband he needs his own therapy to figure out his own things. He says he’s working on finding someone to see. The Healing Library is wonderful- thanks to all who have contributed.

I can corroborate the thoughts of others who have been through this re: taking your time. I will only add that your feelings on what you want to do will likely change a multitude of times as well. To that end, in this instance I always advise to "plan for the worst" - or in a better-sounding-feeling reframe of that thought "Start taking care of you and putting you first." This does not mean thinking like you are going to divorce - it means planning for divorce in case it happens:

1) take a look at your life now and determine what you would need to go forward on your own. Usually this involves financial issues: how hard financially would it be to leave today permanently? Could you? What what do you need to do in order to make that happen? What sacrifices would you have to make? And divorce related issues: What assets and liabilities to we have? How would we divide them? What things are must haves? Is that realistic? And, often, custody and child support issues. If we separated who would the kids go with the majority of the time? And...how much of a fight are obtaining some of these things going to be?

2) start making planning for how to get to the end goal - being able to leave IF you decide that is what you want to do.

Again, do this NOT because you have to divorce but because you need to put yourself in control of your own destiny now. Your WS has established they do not have your best interest at heart all the time. Your WS has established they cannot be trusted to do what they say. And, despite our brain's best efforts at telling us how we can best try to control our WS - the fact is, we cannot. But the good news is, you have total control over YOU - so take it.

As a good friend of mine, who is an estate planning attorney often tells me, you never know what will happen in your life or when - plan like it.

Hey JustTiredAndSad, I hope youll keep posting here. It helps.