SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My XWP left me back in July after 12 years together and after he had an 2 month EA with a COW and then went and slept with her 2 days after he left me - nice! … and since then it’s been a complete shit show. I wanted to R he didn’t/doesn’t. He just kept saying he loves me but, not like that anymore. But, he can never look at me when he says this.

We are still living together atm as we need to sell the house and get some bathroom works done as well before we can do so. We are in separate rooms as well.

So much has happened. I was off work most of the year with mental health issues (stress & anxiety - which was actually depression I’d been hiding for 15 months) so much led up to this that I just couldn’t tell anyone at the time. I’d had a miscarriage and not said a word to anyone not even a doctor and no one knew I was even pregnant in the first place (I wasn’t in my right mind at the time obviously so I can’t really explain why I didn’t speak out) he now knows everything and he has been helping me with getting help etc as I had attempted S a couple of times when I was in a really dark place - I’m not in that mindset anymore thankfully. Obviously the depression doesn’t just disappear but, I am doing much better.

However, it’s been a rollercoaster few months. A lot of ups and downs. He refuses to do any self reflection about why he did this, he thinks it’s because he doesn’t love me anymore but, I’m trying to explain to him that’s a justification it’s not the reason. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t understand people that can just emotionally detach from people so easily, it literally boggles my brain. This is a MH situation as well as I last year had an inappropriate encounter with a COW but, it wasn’t an affair or even a kiss - I was a bit cuddly with him and there was groping and flashing but, it was short lived 30-60 mins at most.. it was in our home though whilst he was asleep upstairs - he knows everything about it now too. He didn’t say an awful lot about it so I assumed he didn’t care.

I did try the 180 but, I’ve been terrible at it. There’s so much more to this story but I fear the post would be pages long!

Anyway yesterday I said to him I’m arranging for someone to come to value the house and if you are able to I’ll accept you buying me out now (I’d previously said no to this) he said have you had enough then? I said obviously yes I have. I said to him if we sold this place tomorrow and it was the last ever time you’d speak to me or see me do you think you’ve said everything you wanted to or needed to say and he said yes he said I have plenty to say to you but, not about what I’ve done or us…. Yikes. I said you’ve not even said anything about how you feel about everything. He then got aggy and listed some things off, anyway I asked him to move out for a couple of weeks because I’ve already done my share of leaving and tbh it’s him that’s dropped a bomb on us, why am I leaving? He said he would think about it.. then stayed upstairs all night because he said he felt uncomfortable because I’d asked him to leave

Anyway, he eventually came down and then I started to feel like I was dissociating so he was trying to help me but, I ended up calling him a narcissist and he stormed off. I’ve posted on social media about him and his AP tagged his work in it he’s gone mad (the site deleted it anyway so it’s no longer on there) he started packing a bag and telling me it’s none of my business where he is going (he went to his brothers he told me in the end) I stood in front of him and said look me in my eyes and tell me that you don’t love me at all and he wouldn’t do it. He said I’ve got a cheek after what I did in there and there and pointed to the kitchen and our garage which is where what I did took place. I was a bit stumped by this as he’s not said much about it before.

I know I am not helping the situation when I kick off like this but, sometimes I just find it so hard to keep my emotions in check. Also didn’t help that I’d had a few drinks as well.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking here, just venting I suppose.

I have posted about the whole situation in the wayward side as well but, happy to answer any questions or thoughts anyone has.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 10:02 AM, Sunday, October 29th]

Just to add as well, I’m by no means trying to excuse what I did and I have done a lot of my own work regarding this. I don’t want anyone to think otherwise

He refuses to do any self reflection about why he did this, he thinks it’s because he doesn’t love me anymore but, I’m trying to explain to him that’s a justification it’s not the reason. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall.

I said to him if we sold this place tomorrow and it was the last ever time you’d speak to me or see me do you think you’ve said everything you wanted to or needed to say

I ended up calling him a narcissist and he stormed off. I’ve posted on social media about him and his AP tagged his work in it he’s gone mad

I stood in front of him and said look me in my eyes and tell me that you don’t love me at all

A bit of a gentle 2x4...

You're playing his game.
If you're banging your head against a brick wall, there's only one way to stop the pain. Stop doing it.
Every time you engage and try to pull the strings, he wins.

Let go of the strings and set yourself free.

I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain and distress. You will get through this, and things will get better.

This sounds like a highly dysfunctional relationship that is beyond saving and that is damaging you more the longer you stay entangled in it. Stop drinking altogether, seek professional therapeutic help, ignore him, and focus on getting yourself to a good place physically, practically, mentally, and emotionally. He’s made his choice; don’t try to hang on to him—he’s clearly no prize. Don’t engage with him beyond what it takes to sort out the necessary practical matters. Turn the page on this relationship and start fresh, prioritizing your well being.

SerJR,

I know I need to stop doing what I’m doing -

I’ve been trying to and failing.

Grieving,

Yes it’s dysfunctional now but, it never was over the 12 years we had been together, it’s so crazy how it’s all changed like it has.

I know I’ve not helped and that I’ve been no Angel but, I am trying my best in this situation. I agree I need to stop drinking it makes matters worse. I am in IC as well already.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 1:06 PM, Sunday, October 29th]

Gently, you are doing a version of the pick me dance, it isn't going to work. Please don't every beg, plead, play mind games or lower yourself in order to win him back. It sounds as though he's already gone, and you have to get to a place where you accept that your relationship is over. This back and forth is emotionally draining and will only cause you more pain in the long run.

I agree with other members, you need to focus on you, getting YOU in a healthy place where you can think clearly and move forward with your life.

There will never be an answer he can give you about why that will make you feel any better. He cheated.

Lean on trusted family and friends, SI, and therapy for support.

I'd also insist on him staying at his brother's house. This situation is becoming toxic for both of you.

I know, I am not purposely trying to do the pick me dance or play mind games - I think I’m just absolutely traumatised by this entire year it’s been a shit show with other things apart from all of this.

I know I need to accept it’s over for good but, I just don’t know how to fall out of love with him I am trying but it’s difficult even after the way he’s treated me.

I guess I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t have just sat me down and had a talk if he was feeling disconnected or wanted out - there was absolutely no need for him to go out and cheat, knowing full well what it would do to me, his supposed ‘Best friend’ I’ll never understand it and I guess I never will. I just will need to move on without the closure I desperately want.

Thank you for your responses I know you are all right.

I just will need to move on without the closure I desperately want.

As much as we want it to be, life isn't always neat and tidy. Sometimes it's pretty fucking messy and we don't have a choice in that. We can only decide how to keep moving forward, or to keep spinning our wheels in the mud.
I know you don't have all the answers. But you have the answers you need.
It's time to stop worrying about him loving you, and to start working on loving yourself.

I get it. I had such a hard time letting go, accepting that he really didn't want to be with me and didn’t respect me enough to be honest with me.
And I drank more alcohol than usual, and it affected me more.

Stop drinking for now. it will help. I wish I had stopped sooner. I said things that cannot be unsaid, did things that were frankly wrong.

Are you in IC? Seeing a doctor about your depression and anxiety? Work on getting that managed so you can return to work. And practice the 180. It is no longer his privilege to know how you feel. And he fired you from caring or worrying about him. This is much harder than it sounds, I know, but it is imperative to start detaching and putting emotional distance between you.

And as for him, he’s not going to do any self-reflection, and he’s certainly not going to when he feels attacked. (Look, he deserves the attack, but an unremorseful WS does not see that. They use it to justify how victimized they are.) So as the previous poster said, stop banging your head against the wall. Focus on you. Exercise, healthy eating, your mental well being, meditate, yoga, restful sleep, journaling. And start looking ahead and building your strength.

Nice job getting the house valued. Now keep moving forward.
You can do this. You are strong.

Yes I am going to stop the drinking - it’s not often but when I drink - I drink! and it’s a problem because I cannot keep my mouth shut

I was doing IC had to stop for a few weeks because of money issues but, my employers have given me 8 free sessions so I can start them up again but, they weren’t available until 9th November so, I’m just waiting.

No, he won’t do any self reflection I know he feels attacked when I try to talk to him and I guess it is an attack but, majority of the time I’ve spoken to him calmly. But, no he won’t do it. I’m pretty sure he is still seeing her even after everything that’s happened since I found out (I almost died it was bad) on Monday he stayed out all night and messaged at like 8pm to say he was at his mates and staying the night. The following day he apologised for not texting me earlier because he knows I’d have gone to my mums as I don’t like being in the house at night on my own. Anyway he told me the name of the friends house he was at I just said ok? However, today I was moving his coat off the banister and I was trying to get to mine and as I flung his over my arm a piece of cardboard fell out… it’s for a hotel with his name x2 next to it and the date which was Monday and no where near where his friend lives so, it’s pretty obvious he is still carrying in with her but, what I don’t understand is why have you spun me a tale especially when I didn’t even ask? He willingly gave me that info unprompted because he said he was sorry and he knew where my mind would have gone I.e thinking he was with her (he clearly was) why just not say anything? I don’t get him. I’ve not said anything to him about it anyway as he isn’t here at the moment. It’s just downright disrespectful all the lying even though why even bother we aren’t together!

But yes, I need to concentrate on myself now. I was off work most of the year and I’ve been back 2 weeks now and it’s been lovely especially seeing how many people have missed me I just hadn’t realised I was that well liked before, so that was nice. Getting myself back into my routines. My appetite is all over the place anyway, I’ve lost 3 stone since august because of it however, I’m not complaining I could still do with losing more so it’s not a negative in my eyes. But, I am trying to eat at least 2 meals a day most days now. Whereas before I was eating about 4 forks of pasta a day or something silly like that.

I think it is finally time to do a hard 180 and just wash my hands of it all.

Just need the bathroom works to be done but, the balls rolling with that now.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 7:41 PM, Sunday, October 29th]

Well,

I’ve been on to estate agents to come and value our house. Had one round yesterday, got another today and one Tuesday to get the ball rolling.

Bathroom works still not even started but, hopefully soon.

All my XWP said was it’s a shame and it’s not nice to have to show someone around the place to sell it and that was it completely emotionless let him get on with it. I’m letting him do the showing around whilst I sit on the sofa chilling - he wanted this so he can show them.

On Friday I realised I don’t love him anymore either. I think I was in love with the idea of him, the potential, the old him but, this guy in front of me now… no, not him. I don’t know this guy. I’ve told him this now and all of a sudden he is curious about what I am up to, where I am going, who I am talking to. Saying I look nice -eyeroll- I went to the shop the other day it’s literally a few min drive away but, my friend called me so I was speaking with her for around 20 minutes so, by the time I got back home I had been gone around 30 mins… he seemed furious… wouldn’t speak to me, I just shrugged and carried on about my business… later he stood there and said “it took you a long time to get to the shop and back earlier didn’t it?” Clearly bothered… whatever I really can’t be bothered at this point. But, he did seem upset about me telling him I no longer loved him - surprisingly. What’s all that about when he’s said he’s not loved me for 6 months so, what’s the issue? I said I thought he would have been relived to hear it?

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was having a really bad mental health day and I’d had too much to drink again (I’ve stopped drinking well this is day 10) and I posted a slating post on Facebook about him and AP and tagged his workplace in it… it was only up for 10-15 minutes before it was deleted. Of course we argued about it and he left for the night. The next day we squashed it and all was fine. No harm done.

He went back to work yesterday (teacher - it was half term) and one of his friends came to see him at the end of the day as someone else had told her about my post. Now I don’t know if it was a screenshot or just word of mouth but, but worried he will get into a lot of trouble now. I know he cheated and left and treated me badly but, I usually have more class than this so I am really embarrassed and I do regret posting it now.

I’ve said to him if I am being honest, it was more to get at his AP as she seems to be swanning around no consequences whatsoever for destroying someone else’s life and I’m sick of it. They seem to have both gotten off Scott free! He says he’s not off Scott free however, previously he said his consequence for his actions was that he had to sell his family home now and that was it he reckons he said more than this - he didn’t.

He said he is going to speak to HR this morning and face the music so, I guess I’ll have to wait until this evening to find out the damage - although he doesn’t seem angry with me about any of it.

Anyway, now I am panicking about him getting into trouble - I know it is his own fault he shouldn’t have had an affair with a COW and he shouldn’t have treated me so badly in the first place and none of this would have happened but, I’m so tired of all the drama.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 6:50 AM, Tuesday, November 7th]

I’m so tired of all the drama.

I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but you are creating the drama.

Stop engaging with him---you don't need to tell him that you no longer love him; you definitely don't need to make any social media posts about him; you don't need to concern yourself why he cares where you go, or how long you are out. He wants out of the relationship, and with that wish, he loses access to your personal life. What you need to do is focus on yourself and your own healing. The more that you keep him in your orbit, the longer that the pain will continue.

You don't need to never say a word to him again, but on the other hand, you don't need to start, and engage in friendly chit-chat. When you do need to ask him something, or to answer something, work on keeping it as emotionless as possible....like a business transaction. I know that you still want to engage with him, but that is what keeps you stuck.

I know I have created drama, I’ve not set out to even when I posted on fb I wasn’t in a good place and I regret it and have learnt my lesson on that one.

I’ve never had to deal with such things before and I do know I’m doing all the wrong things but, I am trying my best here.

I don’t start conversations with him, it’s always him starting them with me. We still live together so, if he talks to me I respond as I don’t want to be rude and make it even more awkward for myself.

I’ve not been telling him where I’m going or who with not to piss him off but, because I don’t need to. He keeps telling me what he’s doing and I haven’t even asked. I don’t understand him at all.

But, I’m trying my best to do the 180 and since Friday I have been emotionless in all interactions.

I've been in your shoes, and I did the same things when my H and I were separated. We had been in MC before he confessed, and it was, of course, all about the problems in the marriage... until he confessed. I had a huge lightbulb moment a couple of weeks after discovery where I finally realized that it was HIS fault that our marriage had failed, not mine. He came over to pick up the kids or something and I greeted him at the door with a very vehement and animated, "You know what I just realized? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE. I didn't do this. You did." He was like This is me thinking about that moment:

In that moment, I needed him to know that. I needed to say that. So I get you needing to say that you don't love him to his face. But try not to. Try to remain detached.

And I get feeling the need to snipe at the AP. I was so irritated that she was single and I didn't have anyone that I could rat her out to. And I couldn't tell HR because it might hurt H's position, though you'd better believe I considered it. I've said many times that I'm so glad that social media wasn't a thing in 2004 or I might have really shown my ass.

"it took you a long time to get to the shop and back earlier didn’t it?"

Proof that the 180 works. Your response should be dismissive and not intended to engage him. Maybe a nonchalant shrug and then go back to your book or whatever. Same thing when he tells you what he's doing. You don't care and why is he telling you is the attitude you want to convey.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:59 PM, Wednesday, November 8th]

Yea, when he said about the shop I just said "yeah, I was on the phone" and that’s all I said. When he keeps telling me about his plans I kind of glaze over as I’m thinking, why are you even telling me. I just say "okay" or "that’s nice" I don’t really say much else.

I was meant to wait in on Monday for someone to come and talk about the bathroom but it got to like 530 and my friend invited me for dinner so I left. The guy called me I said sorry I’m out now and he said he would call XWP instead. XWP proceeded to call me whilst I was at my friends (he’s not called my phone for months) obviously I didn’t answer as I was busy, he then text me and then called me again all within 15 minutes I didn’t respond. Half an hour later I was home… he is saying he was doing all of that as he didn’t want to make a decision about the bathroom without me etc however, yesterday he was saying he thought I may have gone to a concert on Monday that we were meant to attend together even though he knew I’d sold the tickets and that it was the week beforehand, seems he was just fishing to find out where I was. I said nothing.

I know I should be more angry with him than his AP but, I carry such hate for her I can’t help it, I’d love to ruin her life like she has mine but, I can’t and I don’t think it would even help me anyway. I do understand people here have given me good advice and I’ve been bad at taking it but, I am still only fresh out of this it’s been almost 4 months and the situation is difficult when we are still living under the same roof and I’ve had a mental breakdown this year.

I am aware I’ve done all the wrong things but, I’m not meaning to and I really am trying my best and focusing more on myself here. When I post replies here it’s mainly to vent because I thought people
Here would understand and I don’t get offended by anyone telling me the truth about what I am doing and need to do.

I appreciate everyone who responds even if it’s things I don’t necessarily want to hear I know I need to.

I think you're doing just fine. Everything you just shared sounds good to me. Keep up the good work.

Thank you, Scared Soul.

Although, I did have a slight slip up last night. We had to get our beloved dog PTS end of September and I was upset thinking about him last night and I did turn around and say to XWP "I miss both my best friends" as soon as I said it I was chastising myself like why the fuck did I say that? I didn’t give him the chance to say anything as I got up and left the room.

Then I felt awkward and said "sorry for that awkward comment" and he said "it wasn’t awkward, I know how you feel" and that was all we said on the matter and went back to silence.

Feels so juvenile I’m in my 30s for god sake.

But, I guess I’m bound to slip up here and there, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 4:38 PM, Wednesday, November 8th]

I had IC on Thursday and I’ve realised I myself am completely checked out emotionally from everything, the affair, my depression and everything else that I’ve been struggling with… all of a sudden I don’t care about any of it. No tears, no emotion… nothing.

I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Am I checked out because I’ve reached my emotional capacity or because I am genuinely unbothered, who knows!

Anyway, I started talking to someone and I’ve got a date later this evening. I’m so nervous - it’s been 12 years since I went on a date with someone new… wish me luck!

You are grieving the end of this relationship. It's like a death. There are times of seemingly unending sadness, and then flatness when your body and soul need time to recover. It's an up and down thing and I doubt you're past the worst of it.

It's too early to start a new relationship or even to date in my opinion. You need time to grieve and to heal, and to get to know yourself once more.