SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hung out with a group of friends this weekend and the topic of contact with our adult children came up. Most of them speak to their kids about once a week, and some about once a month. I was shocked - and then filled with gratitude.

I chat with my two girls (28 and 34) via Messenger every day, off and on, all day long. We have a family chat that includes the husbands. And we have another one that includes extended family. I see them both at least once a week, usually more. They came over last night to watch the Rangers and eat our food.

When I was their age, pre-internet, I spoke with my mom every few weeks, I guess. I’m wondering if that’s more the norm.

I think it strongly depends on the situation and the family. I talk with my oldest every day. She is chatty, and we speak every day. My next one down, my quiet son, well… He’s quiet and about once a week he will answer my text and call me. He’s that way with everybody because he’s quiet. He has always been my quiet one. Everybody else is still at home.

One adult daughter here and we speak daily. We used to see each other 1-2 times a week but since she relocated one hour west of me, we see each other about 3 times a month, usually for dinner.

Even when we lived five miles from our youngest for almost five years, we probably only saw her about 3-6 times a month - her work schedule was erratic, as was her H's. Then we got into the habit of talking to our oldest about once a week, via FaceTime - it would usually be a lengthy phone call. But it took some getting used to because she was on east coast time and we were on west coast time.

Now that we're on the east Coast, it's a tad bit easier to talk to youngest on the west coast. We tend to do it on the weekend - in fact, today, while H went to play with our grandson here (H and our grandson are the only two between our D and H here and us who don't have Covid), I called our youngest, bored out of mind, looking for some distraction, and we spent about an hour and a half on FaceTime. But normally we talk to her about once a week - I think it would be easier if there weren't the time difference. We see our D and her family here probably 2-4 times a week (the grandson is a big draw!) - it will be more probably when we move into our house four doors down from them in a couple of months!

Regardless of phone calls/FaceTime calls, we have several different text group chats going. One is all six of us; one is H and I with one D and H, and the other with other D and her H. Occasionally (actually it happened today), there's a group text with just me, H and two daughters - it tends to happen when it involves news about people that the two son-in-laws really don't know. I quit playing Wordle when I lost my streak, but I'm in a group text with H and youngest D when they complete their puzzle each day. H, both Ds and one son-in-law play Redactle every day and share those results as they play them, but I never got into Redactle.

I'm old enough to remember the days when our family was young, and there weren't cell phones, so all phone calls to family were long-distance from a landline. We'd probably talk to my parents 2-3 times a month, and H's family, maybe once a month or less. Of course, it was sort of expected that I'd write letters to my parents at least twice a month.

Honestly, other than H, I can't think of anyone that I'd like to have a voice phone call with everyday! But texting, etc. is OK.

I have 3 sons, so I don't have the daughter dynamic.

My youngest son isn't married and lives with me. We interact almost every day. His sleep schedule is different than mine.

I am within walking distance from my oldest son's home. He has my 2 grandsons. They're trying for #3. We have contact at least weekly, if not more.

My middle son and his fiancee are about a mile away. My son and I are in contact about every 2-4 weeks.

I thought it might be a male/female thing, but maybe not so much.

I have three sons, 30, 33, 35.

The 30-year old lives about two miles from my house, just got married in March, and expecting a baby in April! I see them about once a week, quick texts in between.

Middle son is single living in Texas, we text back and forth probably several times a week.

Oldest son lives in Florida with his family, he's got a very busy stressful career so we don't talk much. Family texts about every two weeks and one on one once a month, maybe. I do go to Florida about 5-6 times a year so see him regularly.

My friends/family who have girls seem to have a very different dynamic. They talk or text almost daily and see each other much more often. Not sure if that's the norm, but in my circle it seems to be.

I don't have adult children, but I'm an adult child. I have dinner and bowl with my mom once a week. There's usually a text sometime in between, but not always. If something happens, there's a phone call to talk about it.

I encourage my husband to call his mom every week or so. Try to visit every month or so (neighboring suburb cities). I check in with her every so often, not every week.

I wonder what the differences are for parents who have a partner vs those who are single. I may reach out to my mom more often if she was alone. Idk.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughters and enjoy each others company!! Nothing at all wrong with that.

I hear from my daughter most days. Sometimes it's just a quick text. She doesn't have time to be on her phone at work and works long hours with a forty minute commute. I see her on average about twice a month however I see her dogs four times a week.

I'm old enough to remember the days when our family was young, and there weren't cell phones, so all phone calls to family were long-distance from a landline.

That's a good point. It was expensive to stay in touch back when I was young and broke! Also, my mom is an extreme introvert and would rather chew glass than have to talk on the phone every day. She now lives with me and we really only see her at mealtimes and when the Cowboys are playing.

I was really surprised that my friend who always seemed to be so close to her daughter only has contact about once a month. I don't think there's any tension there, it's just what they do, I guess.

When my dad was still alive, if I didn't call him, I pretty much didn't hear from him. My parents divorced when I was 3-4 and I only saw him a week or two every year, if that, so there was some emotional baggage there. One time I decided to conduct an experiment and see how long it would take for him to reach out if he didn't hear from me. It was about a year, and then he was like "Why haven't you called me?" He would say that he was old school and that kids are supposed to reach out to their parents. As he used to say, that subject is "deep and snaky."

I'm an adult daughter, no kids of my own. My mom is elderly and lives on her own still. I live 45 minutes away. Whenever I go to that town, I generally stop and pick up my mom to go along for the ride while I do my errands there (I lived there most of my life, and most of resources are there eg. my dentist, my hair dresser, my vet, etc). She's always happy just to get out of the house for a bit, and we usually go out for lunch. That said, I haven't been going very often and I do feel guilty.

I don't think my mom cares to talk on the phone much. If I call, she sounds happy to hear from me but it's like she expects there to be a point, to get to it quickly and we're done. Within a few minutes, she always says "well, I won't keep you" and seeks to end the call. It's not just me. My brother says the same thing. So, I don't call very much.

I used to interact with her more, but I have to admit that part of me is withdrawing as I really feel she needs to move, and that she needs assistance to live but we're at that stalemate. She does not want to leave her house. It's 2 storey, she can barely do the stairs, she can barely get around. We have resigned ourselves atm that she is going to be found at the bottom of one of her sets of stairs one of these days. I had this intention of thinking that if I withdrew, if I wasn't offering assistance, that maybe, just maybe, she'd start to realize that she can't live this way. I feel shitty about it, while at the same time, just so angry that she refuses to make her life easier. Especially when her own mom sold her little house and moved into a cute senior apartment that was on one floor and was so much easier on her, and my mom thought that was just great back then. So much easier for HER as well as my grandmother, yet she doesn't have that courtesy for me and my brother. Also, my mom is an only child and she was a great support to her mom, and my mom did not work. Of course, my brother and I both work so we are not available to her at all times.

I was taking her to get her hair done, and wanted to see what would happen if I didn't. Nothing happens. She doesn't get it done. She will go weeks without washing it. In her mind, she can take care of herself but when it comes right down to it, she doesn't bother. She could call and make a hair appointment, she could call a cab and prove she can take care of herself, but at the end of the day, she doesn't, all the while asserting, and I think believing, that she is capable of living on her own.

My mom and I couldn't be more different as people. I love my mom, but I often think that I don't like her very much. I must sound like the worst possible daughter.

SOS, I don't think you're the worst daughter at all. It sounds to me like you care about your mother's wellbeing, even though you may not like her all that much, and are trying to help her come to the conclusion that she needs more help than she's willing to admit. I mean, it could be considered enabling to help her continue to live in her current home.

My mom is 83 and housesat for a friend all summer 1000 miles away. Like you, I was worried that she'd fall or forget to turn off a stove burner and burn the house down and no one would know until it was too late. She's fiercely independent and has cut people out without a second thought when they piss her off, and she can instantly smell a set-up, so we have to tread lightly. Thankfully, she's decided that she can't make the drive alone anymore and this is her permanent home. She's glad and grateful to be here, and that's nice. And she's super easy to live with since she's such an extreme introvert.

I see my daughter 6 days a week, we workout together, and I'm a diabetic, following a mishmash keto/Mediterranean diet, so I cook all my own stuff (Canada being the worst place for diabetics) my daughter loves to cook, so she comes and cooks/bakes with me, and I share the spoils with her. (She has pretty much switched to this way of eating only more medi then keto) We walk our dogs together everyday but Wednesdays. We also text sporadically throughout our workday. We like to go to festivals on the weekends so we do a lot of that too.

My mom, I talk to maybe once every week or two weeks, I love my mom, but she and I are just not that much alike, so it can be hard for me to find things to talk about with her. I've invited her to do various things with my daughter and I, but she usually says no. I do the best I can, but I've come to realize, she's just not a very open person like that.

Two of my adult sons (28 and 31) still live with me. Sometimes I go two or three days without ever even seeing them, much less talking to them. 😏

My grown Son 3 times a week, my daughter 1 a week or every other week. My W and daughter message every day. This past week I have spoken to my Son every day because the RANGERS WON THE FREAKIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!

I have spoken to my Son every day because the RANGERS WON THE FREAKIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!

HIGH FIVE! IT WAS GLORIOUS! I'm not even much of a baseball fan, but I damn sure watched the World Series this year!

nomudnolotus, your relationship with your D sounds absolutely lovely.

Hugs, WhatsRight. I know it's tough.