SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Before DDay my WH was admitted to the hospital for a serious health condition. At the time I was feeling so concerned, in tears, anxious that I might lose him. Eleven months later, after discovering his years of betrayal, I remember thinking it would have been easier had he just died. I would have never had to know the truth, never experienced the pain infidelity. I could have been a respectable, grieving widow. I was ashamed of myself for even having such thoughts, but there it is. Instead, he got better, continued to indulge in an unhealthy lifestyle and, turns out, continued his philandering. Even that life-threatening event did not make him reevaluate his choices.

Fast forward to today, now 20 months past DDay. I'm over the head-reeling experience of discovery and into the slow burn of living with a known serial cheater. We are trying both to make recovery work. And now he's back in the hospital for a more serious version of the same health issue. Of course I am concerned for his health, but it's not the same. Part of me thinks I don't fear his passing, I fear his living, (and all signs say he will live, BTW). I signed up for sickness and health with a pure love that was reciprocated, forsaking all others, a love worth sacrificing for. Yes, I still care for him, but I did not agree be a nursemaid for the unworthy and ungrateful. How will I manage if he becomes incapacitated?

Again, I am ashamed of my thoughts. I know I'm tired and struggling to take care of home and work and go to the hospital everyday. Did I make a mistake by not leaving him on DDay? Why did I stay if I feel this way now? Mr. Cocky is an old man, flat on his back with monitors, probes and tubes going every which way and I'm wondering what he is thinking about his pretty nurses. I don't want this to be my life.

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MegMeg....I'm so sorry you're here. I remember in our first MC session, I told the counselor and my FWH that it would've have been easier if he had died. I'm not proud of it. But, there is something so sinister about the WS CHOOSING to betray. At least when a spouse passes, it's usually not a choice they make.

It would be only natural for you to feel this way, given the circumstances. My FWH had a few health issues post DDay, and I felt something similar. Though, my FWH wasn't being cocky about it. He's a terrible patient and was generally grumpy. I was able to make sure he had what he needed and then steer clear until he had the resources to show some appreciation for my helping him.

Take care of yourself. Treat yourself with compassion.

I think your reaction is totally natural - and I'm sure I'd be thinking the same thing in your shoes.

You could view this as a sign - a clear indication of what you really want.

What if you focus on helping him recover, and then make the move to D?

i Am sorry you are going through this. Your thoughts are 100% normal.

But I have to question - you say he is still philandering but that you are both working for R. And I think you are implying that he is not taking care of himself physically. So what does R mean to you?

Regardless, thoughts are just that. They are a reflection of your pain and distress. Totally normal. Unless you feel this way 24x7, don’t worry about them.

Sending you strength…

I have had very similar thoughts. I worried how I would ever live without him now I think I wouldn’t have a constant reminder of living with someone for 40+ years and they behaved as though I didn’t exist. They are clueless of what their behavior has actually cost them.

The patient is home and slowly gaining strength. Thanks for the replies.

From Ladybugmaam -

He's a terrible patient and was generally grumpy. I was able to make sure he had what he needed and then steer clear until he had the resources to show some appreciation for my helping him.

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This is good advice and I am following it. Now that he is not totally dependent, I leave him to exercise, cook what I like, and have put up boundaries around my work time, and basically have been keeping my needs in full view. I even told my WH, calmly, the thoughts that were running through my mind. Since my admission, WH has been a more grateful patient.

To ScaredSole and BarelyBreathing - I do believe WH has stopped seeing all other woman upon DDay. He has not been perfect throughout recovery but he hasn't been absent either. There has been no time for him to pull any stunts. I am prepared to leave him at any point should things between us deteriorate. But baring that, I've decided to stay with life I've built, despite his betrayal. I'm dammed if I do or dammed if I don't at this stage in life. I don't want to start over at my age just because my husband is no longer the love of my life.

To Sadismynewname -

They are clueless of what their behavior has actually cost them.

THIS is so true! I was thinking of this at the hospital. WH is the bigger loser in all of this. He, my WH, has no idea of how much my love and admiration for him has diminished upon discovering his true nature. Whether or not WH is in health, he has lost the wife who loved him unconditionally. I care for him but he is no more than a roommate and bedmate with a flawed history. Gone is the magic. It's tragic really because in his old, infirm body, he is now getting sentimental and wants to remembered as a great man.

MegMeg

I felt the same way about my FWW. If she had died, everyone would have rushed in to support me. My vision of her would be perfect. Ours would be a love story tragically cut short!

But…she did not die, and I had the horror of DDAY and all the aftermath that followed.

Many years out, I look at it this way-I am glad I found out. I am glad I was able to see my life and marriage in truth-even if it was painful. Death would have been cleaner, but not better. Either way, we lost that person who was perfect for us.

One of the guys in just for men posted about DDay in 2014, and losing W to breast cancer in 2022. He can give you a true perspective of both sides of loss.

Me personally, I hope I go first. Selfish? You bet! I feel like I had my shit sandwich -enough for two lifetimes.

I did the separate lives after DDay thing. Safe, secure-and unfulfilling. Over the past year, things changed-she changed-and things are good now. Hope you get the same change from him.

I disagree on them not knowing what they lost (some of them). My FWW knows, and it is something she has to carry with her for the rest of her life. I would much rather have my burden than hers.

I'm dammed if I do or dammed if I don't at this stage in life. I don't want to start over at my age just because my husband is no longer the love of my life.

I can relate to this and thank you for posting it.
I am in a good spot right now with myself and my life. I am almost five years out from being reunited with fWH.
We are now both in or seventies. Health issues? yes for both of us. But no major hospitalizations.
I know my husband wants to be remembered as a good man. Well, in my eyes he is a bad man who has learned to do good things since I took him back. I know this sounds simplified and general but that is the truth as to how I see him right now.

He feels it. He knows it. I am no actor. Our life, in my eyes, is a balance of some care and concern tempered with doing my own things for me, and my well being. I believe I finally am putting myself first in this relationship. Took 43 years.

And me too, I don't want to start over or continue with another chapter in my life because I no longer think of him as the love of my life.

Many years out, I look at it this way-I am glad I found out. I am glad I was able to see my life and marriage in truth-even if it was painful. Death would have been cleaner, but not better. Either way, we lost that person who was perfect for us.

GoingToMakeIt - this is wise very well said. I did need to find out about the infidelity because I would have had a lot of questions. Long before my WH's first illness the signs and red flags were out there. I just couldn't see them for what they were. Had he died I would have always had that unsettled feeling.

NotABoringWife - I, too, am trying to put my needs above WH's (when he is not sick) for the first time in decades.

I like your moniker, BTW. After the initial self-blaming upon discovery, I thought, wait a minute! I'm loving, caring, nice-enough looking, fit, thrifty, kind, and a lot of fun (before 8:30)! I totally get the name :)