I doubt one can generalize so clearly between the sexes as above. At least I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I allegedly deal with my emotions of love and intimacy and connection in relationships separately. Never realized that! Frankly – as a man – despite having been told that by a woman I still don’t really experience that.
There is a good reason why the site guidelines suggest (quite firmly) that we avoid generalizations…
StillGrieving
Sometimes messages are sent with other tools than words…
If someone says "I love you" and then punches you, how many repeats would it take before you take action over word?
If someone tells you the check is in the mail for the nth time, at what point would you take lack of action over word?
Sometimes the words don’t reflect the message. When he says he’s not willing to work on the marriage he MIGHT be saying he wants out, or he might be saying he doesn't know what to do.
Expecting him to act… Why?
This is like where you two are in your car arriving outside your home wondering what the flickering in the windows might be. The worst explanation would probably be a fire. A possible explanation might be one of you forgot the tv on, or even a bulb on the brink of dying. It’s like neither of you are willing to mention the flickering, not willing to step out of the car, or willing to find out what the real issue might be.
If it is a fire… it’s a fire. Call the FD, save valuables and so on…
Same with your marriage. If he wants a D then sitting in your car waiting for one to step out and file… won’t get you anywhere.
Keep in mind that to divorce you don’t really need to let your spouse know you WANT a d. You go file. You get a divorce. Not suggesting you do that, just pointing out he hasn’t.
I suggest you force the issue.
Sit him down. Point out that he doesn’t want to work on the marriage but that the present situation isnt sustainable. YOU do not accept a compromise of a marriage, nor want to grow old with a person that resents you and you would possibly resent.
Tell him that if you had the choice you would want to work on the marriage, but doing so alone is the mythical one-handed clap.
Tell him that of two evils: not being married to him or remaining in his infidelity-controled and dominated marriage the former is the less evil.
Tell him that the logical and sensible progression – since you two are not working and he’s not willing – at improving your marriage is to terminate it.
Point out that it’s a process, and that if you two are sensible and follow the laws and procedures in your area you will both get a fair deal. There isnt any rush – maybe for the next 7 days you separately research divorce and then proceed. You don’t want any discussion for that time on how to proceed, but rather after a week you both state how you want to proceed (separate attorneys, mediation etc)
Point out that this deals with the legal aspect. The emotional one is left. Tell him that you alleviate him of all emotional expectations and roles as husband. He doesn’t have to tell you where he is, whom he’s with or anything like that. You are not expecting any emotional support or planning any future with him. Your goal is that if this ends in divorce you can detach from all but necessary contact with him. You don’t plan on being resentful or enemies, but have little interest in remaining friends.
Let him know the next step is a lot in his hands. If he WANTS the marriage he can let you know, but he also has to let you know what he’s willing to do to keep you. If that’s something you see a future in… great.