SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I found out ten years ago next weekend (Dec.1). It seems so long ago yet I feel like I’m in an entirely better place now than even before then. I’m just noting how odd it feels to have that time pass and see how much you have changed. I grew, I got stronger, and I definitely became jaded. Overall, I’m better and so much healthier now. If you are fairly new to this shit show, keep going.

[This message edited by deena04 at 3:10 AM, Sunday, November 26th]

It is good to reflect on how we grew and got stronger isn’t it? DDay seems like an eternity ago for me.

When I recently uncovered so much lying, financial
deception, only fans account, I knew it was over. I had some moments of why did I even consider reconciliation the first time, but I am ok with my original decision.

This time it’s over and although it’s extremely sad, I feel a relief and know I can go on.

I am glad you are feeling healthier and better! I remember you from back in the day 😊

Hi Deena!! I’m approaching my 10 year antiversary. It’s incredible how my life is virtually unrecognisable from where I was 10 years ago. Every single aspect of my life has improved from where I was 10 years ago in almost every single way. The shock of that moment has stayed with me, and always will, but it was also the best thing to happen to me because it stripped away my self delusions about my Ex. For those starting out, this is going to be a huge trauma, but it can also help you rebuild a life for yourself and an opportunity to live authentically, even if the marriage doesn’t survive. Everyone thinks they can fast track their healing (I certainly did!!) but 10 years out gives the kind of perspective that only time can. High five Deena!

The only reason I even remembered was because I happened to look at the calendar for something else and for some reason it popped into my head. I used to dread this day coming up. I have actually forgotten about it on the actual day for several years now, and probably would or will again this year as well. It’s now my liberation day.

It's important to hear from experienced survivors. It is also important to hear that you can recover and still be with the WS that betrayed you.

I am past the 8 year mark. The first few after DDay were terrible. Coming to grips with the spouse I had versus the spouse I thought she was is difficult. Excruciating. Nobody knows how to do this well. I found that counseling was important but by no means a magic bullet. I spent a lot of time reading and watching videos and listening to pod casts. The motto: take what you can use and leave the rest was important. Some who think they are experts in relationships just don't. Others helped a ton. Brene Brown, Dr. Gottman, and many others seemed to help me understand my FWW.

I decided to stay with her. I was strong enough on my own to endure the trauma of having her decide that her pain and depression could be treated by doing embarrassing and shameful things with other men. It seemed to happen in a pattern that followed when she was most depressed. I was able to figure out it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with undiagnosed chronic depression, as well as being raised in a home where she was cared for, but emotionally neglected. I am not making excuses. She was totally at fault. She made the decisions, she knew it was wrong, she screwed up. And none of it worked to make her happy or fulfilled. In fact it made her feel even more worthless and broken. It took her time to admit that. It took time for a lot of it to sink in, then for her to heal. But she is a good and safe spouse now. She is taking meds for depression and has been through IC for the depression and with an addiction specialist, because some of the behavior was like an addict looking for a hit.

I could have left her. I could have put my family through more trauma. (the kids have an idea that something was wrong, but we did not disclose her affairs, that was not their burden to bear) I could have walked away from the vow of better or worse, sickness and health. And I would have if she did not work on fixing herself and making amends to me for the pain that was caused. She knows she was on borrowed time for a while. We don't talk of divorce anymore, and have not for a long time. She knows if she does it again, I am gone. And our kids will know the reason. I will not take the blame. But so much of that is a memory. I stop by these forums every now and again to see if I can help with my experience. Not that I am any kind of expert. But I have a good story.

Sweet Deena so glad you posted this. It's a good day when you don't remember. You have healed.