SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My original post with full story is here: https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=661713&HL=83923

Long story short, I [29M] broke up with my GF [29] of 7.5 years, that happened 1 month ago.

2 months ago she told me about her infidelity. She was cheating on me with her older coworker, a guy with wife and kids. Initially I was in shock, and for 1 month I was considering trying to make it work. I was too afraid to break up. But after I went through her phone and saw that she still maintains contact with the AP, that she was the one starting the affair, and that the affair (at least on emotional level) was going on a lot longer than she told me (she told me 6 months, I found out it was 1.5 yr), I broke up with her.

A week ago she was trying to reach me to talk. I didn’t pick up/respond. I was maintaining NC.

Now yesterday she texted me that she understands that I don’t want to talk, and she wants to schedule when she can pick up the rest of her things.

Now mind this: We were living together for almost 7 years, in my apartment. We were splitting out living costs for like 70% me, 30% her (she earned less). BUT, For last 12 months I was the one paying for all our bills, 90% of groceries, and for last 2 years I also paid for her gym membership, all because she was complaining how little money she has. For some time I was also making some monthly transfers to our mutual holiday savings account, that is in her name – I have no access to this.

When she was first time packing her things at my place, I asked her to transfer "my" part of the holiday savings account money to me. She refused and told me that her mom paid for renovating our kitchen in 2018. Well yeah, but my mom was paying all our bills for the first over 2 years we were living together. Plus she was using this kitchen for past 5 years. So I guess it evens out.

Also, I must admit that it's emotionally hard - after she gets all her stuff, she will ultimately be out of my life. I know that it must happen, but it's hard.

So there are 2 things I don’t know how to navigate:

1) Her things/my money from the holiday savings account. I still have her bike at my place, which costed her some money. I wonder if I should tell her that I won’t give her things back unless she returns me my money. It's not much, but it's not fully about the amount of the money, but about letting her get away with that.

Somehow I feel that that is right, because she basically used me, including financially. Also I would use some money, because as I said, maintaining our life made me have little savings. The truth is, she should give me back all the money I spent on our living for past 12 months, because I was making those expenses thinking that it helps us develop as a couple – she would have more financial space to develop and later we would save some money and start a family. But during all that time she was already cheating on me (emotionally, physical cheating started on the beginning of this year from what I know).

On the other hand, I feel somehow awkward about making this thing about money now.

I'm not what will actually show having dignity. Not letting her get away freely with basically stealing from me? Or just shutting up about the money.

2) Navigating returning her things eventually - to do this through a 3rd person without meeting her, or with meeting her.

I still kinda want to talk to her and tell her that I hate her. That she is a bad person, with no morals. That I know more truth than she told me – because she still doesn’t know that I went through her phone and make screenshots of their conversation. That she is a cheater and a liar and she has to live with that – fortunately I don’t have to anymore.

This might be a last chance to meet with her in person.

I don’t know what it would bring me. I just feel so powerless, hopeless and angry about that someone can do such a bad thing to me and completely get away with that. Drain me emotionally, financially, make a lie of significant part of my life, and then just disappear. And continue with their life, that was in a huge part built on draining me.

You're about to learn a very hard lesson. She was a girlfriend, not your wife. You have no legal claim to the money in an account, that has her name only. None.

She has a legal right to her property, and you must give it back.

Never again put money in an account that doesn't have your name on it, or isn't in your wife's name.

It doesn't matter how the bills were divided. You willingly chose to pay more.

There is nothing fair about infidelity, for a betrayed partner.

Have a trusted third party give her stuff back. Get it all on the porch,and lock all the doors and windows, and have the person meet her outside. Preferably someone who isn't a mutual friend.

She doesn't care what you think about her, or how you feel. It won't feel better to tell her. She will either be a bitch,or she will lie about what you already know to be true. You will feel worse.

The best thing to do to a cheater,is ignore them. Go NC. Block her.

I hope you have called his wife,and told her about the affair. If not,do that today. She deserves to know. Its the right thing to do. And it will give you the satisfaction you're looking for..she won't "get away with it."

When I was going through my D, I took the stance that if I had to walk away with nothing but the children, I was prepared to do that.

I already decided not to engage in back and forth debates over items at the cost of my mentality....lol.

Meaning, I chalked it up to a small price to pay for not having the deal with all that.

Are you at that point? Because it sounds like she is already engaging in that (ie kitchen reno, etc).

I don't know what type of dollars you are talking about, but I would consider it a wash and just give her stuff back. It will save you a lot of anxiety and grief.

I would arrange to have her pick up her things immediately. If you have a place you can put them (garage, porch, temp storage), I would do that so she is not in your place and you do not have to be there.

I know it is hard, painful and just stinks but at this point try to put on a professional front and treat it as a business transaction.

I agree with Hellfire, unfortunately you don't have legal rights to her property.

I also agree that the wife of the AP deserves to know she is living a lie, don't feel guilty about telling her, her husband is a pos who is doing this and the burden of the betrayal lies squarely on his shoulders.

I wish my husband's AP's husband informed me about the A when he found out about 4 months before I did. He forgot to send me the memo because he didn't want to hurt me, well four months later, so much more had happened, and because of him we were both thrown into infidelity hell. Tell his wife. Please.

Whatever you do, don't say anything like "Give me back my money or I'm spilling the beans." That's blackmail/extortion and it could very likely be considered a crime. Just spill the beans. Tell AP's wife. She deserves to know.

I'd arrange for a no-contact drop off of her things and probably let the money issue go. Chalk it up as a hard lesson. Don't give her any emotions. None. That's how you flex your power.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:37 PM, Monday, November 27th]

I wouldn’t hold any of her property, that money is gone and take it as an expensive lesson as to never mingle funds with someone you aren’t joint on the account with.

Having a third party meet her sends a much louder message of what you think of her. Telling her off will only help her justify her shitty behavior. Calm and cool will make her crazy.

Sorry you are dealing with such a mess brother. Unfortunately, you gave her that money, and of course she was pulling the wool over your eyes, and I get that you gave that money to her under the pretenses that you would get to benefit from that with a trip or vacation down the road. So here is my suggestion, kiss the money goodbye, consider it the cost of getting out of this relationship. A few months down the road, when things settle down financially and you've had a chance to regroup, go treat yourself to a world class vacation that you've always wanted to do, even better if it is a location that she didn't want to go that you've always wanted to visit.

As for the exchange of whatever belongings she had left at your place. Can you gather up everything that is hers, or even things you suspect could be hers and have it boxed up and left somewhere on the porch or garage for her to pick up? An even better approach would to have a friend or third party that you trust, very clear on this, someone you trust, be the one who meets her to help her get the stuff. All the things inside of you that you want to scream at her and tell the world, trust me, it's a natural instinct to feel that way and it feels like one last chance to see her and "talk some sense into her" but that train has long since left the station. She won't listen to any of what you have to say, but she will take notice when she comes by your place to pick up her stuff and your friend Jim Jablowski is the one greeting her at the door and not you. That will send a very clear and loud message to her, that she doesn't matter to you anymore and you will not allow yourself to be manipulated by her and her shit again. Once you have confirmation that all her stuff is gone and out of your possession, block and then delete all contact information you have for her. Cut off all contact and never speak to this woman ever again. The two of you didn't have any children or property together, so this is goodbye, not just for a while, but forever. The sooner you can get her completely out of your life, the better for you and the sooner you can begin your healing process.

Isthere,

Yea the money is gone get rid of every scrap of her all at once it will be like taking a bath when covered in stinking mud.

Once done expose the affair to the OMW if you haven't done so already.

If you don't have some horrible STD feel lucky.

Thanks for all the answers.

As for the money, I think I'm gonna let it go. Probably wouldn't get it back even if I asked for it, anyway. It wasn't a large amount. Dunno, maybe an equivalent of 1000 dollars maximum was unspent on that account, that belonged to me? Let her use it, if she has any conscience, spending that money gonna eat her. That's basically stolen money.

As for contacting her to pick up her staff, I want to do it. Just wondering if I should contact her directly, or through a 3rd party. If 3rd party, I don't know who. My friends know everything about all that situation and hate her with passion. Sometimes I think even more than me. One my female friend told me that she would pull her hair out if she met her on the street. She acted as their friend too, you know, we were together for almost 8 yrs.
Her friends - I don't know.
Maybe her mother? I'm lost on that.

I can arrange it in such a way, that I would pack her stuff and just put it out of my apartment on certain day/hour, for her to pick it up. She doesn't have to enter my apartment.

Having some experience in this, please do everything you can to have the communication through a 3rd Party. I would have ZERO contact with her, if possible. Making her insignificant is the end goal here.

She "understands" that you don't want to talk....buddy she is banking on your wish to do so. Been about a month or so since you
finally ended it, right?

No Contact means no new hurts. Closure is fleeting and overrated at best. Even after being together that long, no momentary amount of satisfaction you derive from berating her into tears is worth setting your emotional healing clock back even for a moment.There will be no Eureka Moment on her part...She's a Cheater and a Liar...You know it and she knows it. And she will ALWAYS know that you know it. Her imagination playing with her wondering how much you despise her is so much better than ever letting her know. It is something that will return to her time and again in the middle of the night for the rest of her life.

You can do it. Chin Up!

If you don’t have a trusted person to manage the exchange (I don’t think you should see her) then I would give her 2 options:

Set a date and time for her to get her belongings from your front yard or front door or whatever.

Take her stuff and put it in a storage unit and pay the first 30 days. Tell her she has to pick it up or pay for the storage unit herself. Give her the info to get her stuff.

You are then off the hook.

Lot of good advice, already. Lesson learned, money gone, have her pick up her things, change your locks immediately, get out of the situation cleanly. Change all your passwords.

Ok to ask for the money back, who knows she might give it to you.

Thank your lucky stars you found out before marriage.

After my first serious relationship ended, I ended up in a run down apartment with no furniture for over a year, sleeping on a camp sleeping bag on the floor of an empty living room, but at least she never did to me what you are going through. I'd rather be back there than in your shoes.

Keep in mind that this event, her cheating, says nothing about you. How you handle all this does. So take the high road, and GTFOOI (get the fuck out of infidelity).

Yeah, tell the spouse, but don't tell your ex that you are going to, just do it and don't wait for her to give you anything or not, just do it.

I would stop thinking about the money. If her mom paid for a new kitchen then see that as a fair exchange. (It’s all about perspective - an interest free loan).

I would ask someone neutral to hand back the items. I wouldn’t meet her. If she enjoys her ego kibbles seeing you upset or angry will fill her jar - so to speak. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.

I would however warn the wife of the man. With screen shots, dates, times etc. I would say that you have dumped her and warn the wife that you have. She may now pressurising the OM to leave his wife.

I guess you could hire a forensic accountant and legally subpoena you mom’s and her mom’s bank-accounts from 8-6 years ago, as well as yours and hers for the last 7 years. You could then factor in inflation, depreciation of kitchen, division of costs etc and maybe even end up with that 1000 USD she owes you. She can refuse payment and you can sue her and maybe even win that case. If she doesn’t pay you could go back to court to have future earnings garnished. Who knows – maybe 3-5 years from now and several tens of thousands of dollars later you might get your 1000 back… minus cost of course…

In other words: NO!!! Don’t go after the money.

I left my apartment the night I walked in on my then-fiancé and OM and never entered it again. About 4-5 days later my brother went and picked up my clothes and stuff that she had packed (after I asked her to). Maybe 2 weeks later she dropped off some more stuff (mainly cutlery, tools and such) at where I was living. I helped get the boxes from her vehicle. It was cold but cordial. I realized a bit later that she had kept some of my now-classic 80’s LP’s but didn’t bother getting them back.

Start detaching. You wont do anything good by focusing on the hate. Just move on and restart your life.

Thanks for all the answers.

As I said, I will probably stick to not going after the money and scheduling time for her when I will put her stuff out of my apartment.

[This message edited by Isthereapoint at 2:07 PM, Sunday, December 17th]

By not doing anything - you invalidate her. If you just return her "stuff" w/out a word you are not only taking the high road, but signaling that she no longer matters.

It’s normal to want revenge but it does not get you much satisfaction by letting her know you know the extent of the affair. She doesn’t care (because most cheaters will not accept any blame or take accountability for their actions). In her mind she has a good "reason" to cheat — so she did.

I hope this helps you move forward.

What you do about the nude pics and private conversation is…. Nothing. Like NOTHING.

Your profile states you are in Europe. Most European countries and in fact most Western countries have strict revenge porn laws and laws on expected privacy. Her infidelity didn’t break any law, but any usage of that content could be considered illegal and won’t in any way or form portray you in a positive light.

I'm thinking about printing out one/several of those photos (nudes or not), and just put an envelope with that photo deep in some pack. And maybe add a caption like "Daddy!" She will find it when unpacking.

Nope - don't do it.

Take her stuff and put it in a storage unit and pay the first 30 days. Tell her she has to pick it up or pay for the storage unit herself. Give her the info to get her stuff.

You are then off the hook.

I must say, I really like the 1stWife's suggestion that you get a storage unit for her stuff, pay the first month, give her all the details she needs to get her stuff or keep it in storage there and than move on with your life. This has it's advantages, because you can avoid ever having to have any contact with her, but you also make sure that her personal belongings are taken care of and not put in harms way like "leaving them on the porch" would do. I strongly urge you to look into what it would take to do this, as it isn't too difficult, I've had to keep stuff in a storage unit for a few months while transitioning between houses following a cross country move. No contact = no new hurts.

Thanks for all the answers.

As I said, I will probably stick to not going after the money and scheduling time for her when I will put her stuff out of my apartment.

I have one more thought though:
When I browsed her convos with the affair partner I found out their nudes (his penis on her pussy, photo made for "male POV") and also many others them kissing etc.
ALso I found that she was calling him "daddy" and him her "little daughter" (yuck).
I'm thinking about printing out one/several of those photos (nudes or not), and just put an envelope with that photo deep in some pack. And maybe add a caption like "Daddy!" She will find it when unpacking.

This way, without any talk or emotions, I'll send the message: bitch, i've seen it all.

What do you guys think about that?
Is it just me being spiteful?

As for this question, I will reiterate, No contact = no new hurts.

Trust me brother, I (as well of many of my rowdy friends here on SI) totally get where you are coming from on this. We all have a list of the things that we wish we could say to the cheater to snap them back into the loving, caring, and compassionate partner we thought they were. Your XWGF has moved on from you and nothing you say to her or do will change her mind or make her re-evaluate her actions that hurt you. Again, her cheating really hurt you deeply and you are grieving the loss of a long term relationship and a partner that you clearly loved dearly. Grief is never linear and you will vacillate between the 5 stages of grief, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace to feel those feelings and work through them. But I want you to ask yourself, does ruminating on ways you can show her your pain or embarrassing her with the evidence, is it going to serve your broader goal, which is to get her out of your life forever as soon as humanly possible?

My advice, do not spend another second wasting energy on trying to influence her behavior or getting her to think about your relationship. You need to be laser focused on the mission of getting her completely out of your life. I mean, literally, you at this point are almost to the finish line. You are one email/text message away from being completely done with her for the remainder of your life. That last message should read something like

"I've packed up all of your remaining belongings and placed them in Unit 1234 at Storage Solutions located on 4567 Infidelity Drive. To access the storage unit you need to do the following (insert instructions here).

This will be the last you hear from me. By the time you read this message, I will have already blocked and deleted your contact information and I ask that you please respect my decision to remain no contact. Any attempts to reach me will be construed as harassment and will be dealt with through the appropriate legal system."

Send that message or something similar and don't look back. Look forward. Make yourself a ghost for a few days, go stay with a friend or hotel for a few days, because cutting off contact with a woman like that will not go quietly, but she will throw her fit and tucker out eventually.

There's a woman on TikTok who's speaking to her ex like she's in HR and it is awesome. It's driving him NUTS. I recommend you do that.

Strictly business: "Your belongings will be outside my apartment door at 1pm on December 2." I wouldn't get dramatic about telling her that will be your last contact. Just block and move on. If she harasses you in the future, deal with it then. Preemptively telling her not to harass you when she's the one who has pulled away sounds kind of desperate, IMO. And you do not want to come across as emotional or desperate.

Pack the boxes neatly, stack them neatly, and take a photo so that you have proof that you did what you said you were going to do. Then leave. Don't be there at the designated pick-up time. You don't want to torture yourself by hearing her through the door, especially if, god forbid, she brings her AP to help her.

I read your other thread where you said that the AP's wife knows and has somewhat sanctioned their A. I highly doubt that. Regardless, tell her. DON'T send her the graphic photographs; that could be considered a crime.