SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a BS in second year of R, there have been times when I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue R. Not because of what WH was doing or not doing but purely from my own pain, grief, anger, fear, and resentment. I am not sure if I can accept what he did. I am not sure if I can stop thinking about the affair. I am not sure if he will be faithful. I am not sure if I am just wasting my time.
What about the WS? Do they have doubts as they go through R? If so, what would their reasons be?

I think there are many WS who have regrets about getting caught and have their life up-ended.

A cheater who has no remorse will most likely cheat again. Some cheaters never stop cheating, while others are on again off again cheaters - there are periods where they may not be cheating but looking for their next AP.

I am certain many cheaters are sorry they cheated and sorry they got caught. Their life is a mess - and a true test of character is what they do about it. Some just quit the marriage/ relationship while others put in the work.

I think this is an interesting question.

My doubts never had anything to do with whether or not I wanted to reconcile with my husband. The moment he gave me that option, I knew in my heart that that was what I wanted.

I had a lot of shame. I already thought I was unloveable. I felt my husband had settled to be with me. My affair just affirmed all of the worst thoughts that I had about myself, yet I so desperately wanted to be a good person and at that time needed to be seen as one.

My doubts about reconciliation had more to do with putting in the work and getting poor results. What if I finally became vulnerable only to get hurt? It would just prove that being vulnerable was dangerous. What if I didn’t have the strength to do the work it took? It would just prove that I was weak. What if I did do the work only to find out I really am a horrible person .

Any of my doubts were fear based and at some point I had to conclude that wasn’t healthy. That’s where letting go of the outcome came in for me. I needed to continue this journey for me, no matter what the outcome would be for my marriage. It didn’t mean I stopped caring about the outcome…I cared deeply. I just needed to get healthy for the sake of being healthy.

1) You're a year out. It's too early to trust your WS, so it makes perfect sense to doubt the success of R. It takes far longer than a year for someone to change from cheater to good partner.

2) I doubted that my W was committed to R for about 2 years, because - you know - she had cheated. OTOH, W continued to say and show that she wanted to be with me, though she didn't understand why I wanted to be with her. Also, I talked about my doubts in MC, and our MC kept telling me that my W had never expressed any desire to split in IC sessions. (Our MC was W's IC, and W had signed a release that allowed our C to bring anything from an IC session into MC sessions.)

3) IMO ... I think WOEz says it pretty well. My W had no doubts about R. I guess she had few doubts about herself, too - she was convinced she was a lousy, irredeemable human being.