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Good morning, fellow warriors. Long story short, my husband and I were separated and decided to reconcile. During the separation he was briefly involved with two women. Even though we were legally separated, I am insanely jealous and am tormented literally every day by detailed images of him with them.

Please please please if anyone has any advice regarding getting these intrusive obsessive thoughts out of my head, let me know. Any and all advice will be appreciated. I understand that I don’t really have the right to complain since we weren’t together at the time, but my mind is a dark scary place and not really rational right now. I just need to know how or if you ever get these images out of your life.

Thank you so much for any information or just positivity you can send my way.

Time....mindfulness....grounding...therapy.

Intrusive thoughts are your brain trying to protect yourself. Recognize that it is still traumatic evening though you were separated. I've started calling that part of my brain that spins out of control and drives me batty "Karen". And, I talk to her.....as in...."Whatever Karen"....and I try to refocus on the good things happening now. The little and often positive things that he's doing and has done. Where we are now. Sometimes, I need his help....I'm in a really bad place right now and need your help by doing "insert whatever you need" to pull me out of that dark place.

So sorry to hear you are plauged by this, it’s awful. I stumbled onto a trick that would help me in the moments of obtrusive thoughts. When I would have thoughts of my wife together with OM, I would substitute another random person in for OM, like a person that wasn’t threatening, maybe a casual acquaintance or even a family member. The point was that my brain didn’t have the jealous energy there, and in fact it felt kind of absurd and my brain would quickly dismiss it. I don’t know if that will work for you, but it’s the best advice I’ve got, other than time.

Edit to add: I see this is your first post. Welcome to SI. Sorry you find yourself here, but for those of us unfortunate enough to need it, it is truly a goldmine. I hope you stay and take as much wisdom as you can from this place.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:16 PM, Tuesday, November 28th]

Welcome to SI, the best club no one ever wants to join.

I recommend checking out the Healing Library, especially https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/.

It takes time. I tried therapy, but found that journaling was more useful for me. I needed to get the images out of my head and be able to look at them with some distance. It's been about 10 months, and I am just starting to feel like I am in control of the images. Two weeks ago, I went through the journal I have used to process my grief and my obsessive thoughts. I kept the pages that I felt captured true thoughts, and I ripped out the ones that I now recognized as thought distortions. I went to a campground and built a fire. I burned a picture of my WS and AP and the pages from the journal that represented thoughts I was willing to let go. It helped.

I am not better yet, but I am healing. That's enough. I am still here. In time, I will be ready to let more of this go.

Be patient with yourself. Betrayal makes you crazy for a while. Remind yourself that your grief and pain is a wave. You are the shore. It will pass, and when it does, you will still be there.

Sending you all my love and compassion.

The most correct answer is time. I don’t know how much time has elapsed, but the mind movies lessen slowly with time. It is a long journey, I’m sorry.

If you find obsessive thoughts controlling you and can’t go it alone, please try to find a therapist who has trauma and EMDR experience. I am early in the EMDR process, and although I can’t explain how or why it is helping, I can tell you that it is. It is a strange resorting and recalibration of my thought processes that leave me feeling less vulnerable and turns down the volume on the hurt feelings triggered by ingrained thoughts and memories.

I have tried so many other ways to get her and them out of my head, but I have an OCD brain and it has been hard. I have used all sorts of visualization and rationalization techniques. The most helpful to me has been realizing how much the brain gets stuck on trauma and obsessive thought patterns and it becomes a perpetual motion machine inside your head. For me, knowing the process driving my thoughts helped me to start directing them more mindfully. I am still learning, still a work in progress, but I do see some progress, finally. I wish you some progress too, but you have to fully process all that pain and hurt before you can let it go…

Best to you finding your path forward. Nothing about this is easy, so be kind to yourself and know that you are doing a brave thing, giving your marriage another chance. Practice all the self care and self love you can find for yourself and then add some more.

I read Living and Loving after Betrayal by Dr. Steven Stosny. I’m fairly certain someone here recommended it. There’s a chapter on restorative images that was so helpful. In fact, the entire book has been incredible in assisting my healing journey. I’ll be honest, I did the exercises religiously daily even though it was painful but it did start to help after a few weeks. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

I recommend Dr. Stosny as well. I have revisited his book several times and have taken lots of notes. There is a lot of online content too, videos and articles. Worth a look.

Time, and accepting that these images will occur, frequently, while recognizing that you will become less sensitive to them, annd they will become more fleeting, over a long time (years).

If you're getting back together is constructive, emotionally rewarding, and the relationship goes well, it will help. If it is not going well, probably the reverse. Open discussion of the struggles you have is important. You might want to get IC to help as well.