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Hi all, I'm struggling with something, and was wondering if anyone can relate or offer advice.
My WS and I have been in the process of R since his last affair (ended in January), and quite a few things have happened. Throughout the spring, we both were doing IC and talking about starting MC. Then, while travelling this summer, we found out that the spouse of his affair partner had committed suicide, rather horribly. Part of me feels like my WS had some responsibility in that, and maybe that doesn't feel fair, but I can't shake the feeling. I feel like I have some too - OBS kept saying we should meet, but when I tried to set times he kept putting it off, but perhaps I could have tried harder?
Meanwhile, I got a new job and we moved across the country in late July. With all the insurance switches and everyday busy-ness of settling in, neither of us has been able to start IC again. And then his mother got sick, and sicker, and is now in hospice care. We have been completely focused on that and I have been caring for him and our kiddo (and my own grief for her) while we process and prepare. We'll be traveling to see her this week for the holidays and she will likely pass while we are there (given everything we're hearing from her doctors it could happen any day).
I guess the big thing is that I have had so much to think through and process and I'm still hurting and mad. The whirlwind of the late summer and fall - move, new job, family grief - took over from working on the aftermath of the affair and especially those big feelings about the OBS's suicide. While this experience has made him say over and over that he feels closer to me than ever, I don't feel that way. What do I do or say?

First..you had no part in the OBS suicide. I think you are being fair,though, in saying your husband played a role in causing this man's pain and devastation. Because he did.

My husband's father died,about a year into R. And though he was grieving, the work on R,and himself,didn't get put on hold. Because that work is a lifelong process,despite whatever else is happening. This is one of the hard parts of R. Working on yourself and the marriage always.

It's ok to expect him to always make you a priority. Its ok to expect him to make the work on himself a priority. Maybe not always THE priority, given the situation but a priority.

Ask him why he feels closer to you than ever... and explain to him that you don't. As the wayward spouse, the onus is him to drive the reconciliation process. Obviously, his ailing mother is taking priority at the moment, but the fact that you're both focused on her should not be construed by him as rugsweeping.

As for the OBS's suicide, you are not to blame at all. You gave him opportunities to meet with you and it wasn't your responsibility to chase him down after he wouldn't set a date/time for you to meet.

We can't possibly know whether OBS would've committed suicide even if the affair hadn't happened, but I certainly think it's fair to say that your WH damaged OBS's mental health by sleeping with his wife.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:58 PM, Monday, December 18th]

While this experience has made him say over and over that he feels closer to me than ever, I don't feel that way. What do I do or say?

If you're asking literally how to respond, just for right now while his mom is actively dying, I think I would squeeze his hand or give him a little hug or a sympathetic look and not say anything. Hopefully, he won't pick up on it as a diversionary tactic. If he does and he asks you directly why you're not reciprocating, then tell the truth about not feeling the same way. I'd table discussion about the OBS until the whirlwind of his mother's death has calmed, if possible.

Lonely,

It's decent and appropriate of you to feel compassion for OWH and even OW and their kids if they have them.

It's also appropriate for your WH to feel lifelong guilt and to get whatever excuses or minimizations he comes up with shoved down his throat.

If there is a question of having done something to help the OWH it falls like a rock on your WH, did he offer the OWH a confession, appology, timeline or even reflect on what he was doing to the man while he was doing it?

Tell him to read the story of King David in the Bible.

As to why you don't feel for WH how can you after what he did, you know this intuitively.

[This message edited by survrus at 8:43 PM, Monday, December 18th]

I am the BH. My dad died within a week of DDay. I have some perspective of losing a parent at a time of crisis. I think your WH is using his mother's decline as another way of hiding from his responsibilities to you and your family. If you are doing the heavy lifting, you will have a hard time in R. Even with his mother in hospice, he needs to pull his weight.

What I found in all of this betrayal craziness is that my FWW was emotionally illiterate. I can see that now. She did not have the language to even know how to recover or get healthy. She could not even tell me what was wrong in her psyche or thinking that lead to the As. Let alone process the loss of an important family member. So she leaned on me to do the work for her. It did not work. It was when she started standing on her own, and learning the language of emotion and getting treatment for depression, that she started to heal and become a safe spouse.

It sounds like you are doing the heavy lifting, and he is not. Without being equally yoked in all of this recovery, it will not work. He needs to learn to stand on his own.

Just my two cents.

Even with his mother in hospice, he needs to pull his weight.

Not only this, he should want to pull his weight. And he should want you to feel close to him.
Emotional intimacy does not work if only one party engages.

What would I do? I would like to think that honesty is still the best policy. If I were in your shoes, and I deliberately tabled dealing with the affair/reconciliation, I would think that it would be easy for resentment(s) to slowly build if I felt the hard topics were being avoided. That doesn't mean that your mother-in-law doesn't take top priority; like Hellfire said, YOU, and your concerns still need to be *a* priority. And if your husband is serious, he should already know this.

A lot of damage was caused by his affair. He can either choose to do the right thing(deal with both is mother and your rebuilding), or he can show poor coping methods by being avoidant. Don't be afraid to let him know which option you would prefer.

It's awful that OBS took his life, but it goes to show that infidelity has far reaching consequences. You did the right thing telling him about the A, your H played a major part in hurting this man and he took his life.

10 months into R my Dad went on hospice and passed a couple of weeks later. My W was so good to my parents during that time, she spent so much time being a comfort to my parents and doing a lot of work around their house. We were still in the raw stages of healing and working on R, but she really showed she had changed from being selfish and wayward. My Dad's passing didn't affect me emotionally because by emotional cup was running over, there were no emotions left, I was just numb.

One thing to understand is you are both in this together, if you aren't feeling the same, tell him. I always made sure my W knew how I was feeling, our communication improved greatly even when it was communication we didn't want to hear.

You're not the first BS to make a post, exactly like this.

I've been here awhile. My observations are that we BS are a very empathetic group.

A WS who isn't really doing the work for the right reasons..they are complying..which isn't at all the same as doing the work because they are truly remorseful, and wanting to change..when a crisis hits, it shows you what kind of ws we have. If they stop that work,if we no longer are a priority..They're showing us who they really are.

Losing a parent is sad. I've lost both,so I know that pain. But life for us goes on. We still have kids to care for,jobs,and other things in our lives that we still need to take care of. If a ws needs a break from working on themselves,and healing the damage they have caused..it tells you,very clearly,that it is not a priority. Grief is not an excuse to stop that work.

Thanks all. I told him, gently, that I wasn't comfortable with his not giving some time to us/me and that I feel hurt and out of touch. He apologized and said that he really appreciates my supporting him through all of this and said he would try to balance better. He and I know his ADHD makes him fixate, so he said he appreciated the reminder. I feel better, I think, but maybe I'm just also so out of sorts looking ahead to a trip where we'll be with his family and friends the whole time, while essentially waiting for my mother in law's death, whom I love dearly too, and not knowing how to grab some joy for the holiday in the midst of all that, and missing being with my own family.