I have to agree with some of the posters that raise concerns about his ex talking to him about her current relationship problems. Especially given that she has had a history of cheating.
I feel it’s also very disrespectful to her relationship for her to do that.
I think that boundaries and detachment are important. I could have stayed buddy buddy with my XWS…I didn’t though because I knew it was necessary to draw that line especially with someone that did the things that she did to me. I wouldn’t keep that kind of person as a friend either given that I know the level of selfishness and emotional disconnection she has and I understand the toxicity that her ways of being represent for my wellbeing. I choose to keep friendships with people that treat me well. To have kept my XWS in that position would have been injuring to my own self. Not worth it.
I do wonder why he keeps the engaging. I understand being civil and even friendly at times but to this extent, to me, feels unnecessary. Boundaries and detachment are important especially toward someone that’s shown you who they are and what they’re capable of.
I talk to my XWS only about the kids and only about specific things relating to them. She talks to them on her own about whatever else, they have cell phones and so that’s their deal.
My current partner talks to his ex (who also cheated in their marriage) a bit more regularly than I do mine but it’s all kid related since they share a child as well and their child is much younger than my kids are.
My current partner did have to learn boundaries with his ex. She would often emotionally abuse and insult him when they would speak, and try to know things about his whereabouts and life that simply were no longer her business. He gave her a warning to stop and be civil or he’d resort to blocking and only using a parenting app to communicate. Eventually that’s what he had to implement for his own mental wellbeing and things have been great since.
His ex has been friendly and happy at certain events we’ve had with the kids and such now. All is good, however, the boundaries are still in place and have benefited their coparenting relationship positively.
I do think that detachment and boundaries with exes are important for our own sake and for the sake of our next relationships. So while friendliness is wonderful to have, along with necessary communication and civil behavior toward each other, the boundaries draw lines where they need to be for the rest of the dynamics in all relationships to have space to flourish properly.
*edited to add*
Actually my XWS used to chat with me about issues between her and her partner. I used to listen and engage and be there in that way. On my end, I had to learn to put boundaries in place and had to work on self in not being there for XWS in that way anymore too. It was such a habit for me to be that person for XWS. I had to learn to break it for myself and for my future relationships.
[This message edited by maise at 1:03 PM, Thursday, January 4th]