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Hi all,
Edited

[This message edited by alexa071 at 12:02 PM, Saturday, January 13th]

Getting another marriage counsellor sounds like a good idea to me. I’ve heard of couples that are doing ok going to 6 month check-in counselling together to keep their relationship strong. That seems like a great and healthy way to do things to me.

In addition to that perhaps she needs individual counselling as well to tackle her trust issues and other things she seems to have going on?

I see you've been to MC. But, this isn't a marital problem. This is a "her" problem.

If she has some kind of PTSD that she can't shake,then that's exactly why she needs to go to therapy.

Jeepers Alexa, I just your previous story. That’s wild, makes me think I got off lightly. Do you have any contact with the child you discovered wasn’t yours?

[This message edited by alexa071 at 12:02 PM, Saturday, January 13th]

Jajay

[This message edited by alexa071 at 12:03 PM, Saturday, January 13th]

Maybe MC with a goal of guiding your W to to understand she has some excessive fears inside her head and thereby guiding her to IC?

[This message edited by alexa071 at 12:04 PM, Saturday, January 13th]

PTSD or even just past trauma combined with anxiety could easily be the main trigger for her focus.

You say she is sometimes fine for a while and then suddenly starts to see evidence of cheating in everyday occurrences. It could be overall stress or even a hormone/chemical fluctuation that triggers the high anxiety response. Our bodies are built to try to protect ourselves. Because she's been cheated on in the past, her brain wants to be sure she's never hurt like that again. We all relate to that. I know you know this.

Yet, this situation sounds like it might be untenable in the long run. It must miserable for you both.

For you to have the marriage you want, I think she has to be willing to have some ongoing IC--probably coupled with MC--to tackle this.

If she is diagnosed with high anxiety, would she be willing take anxiety medication?

OP,

I’m sure you’ve sat down and had serious discussions with your W. Can you confirm you’ve shared how it’s tearing you apart to be regularly accused of adultery? That this zero-trust from her is no way to live life and be in a M? That you’re willing to support her in therapy etc. but that this cannot continue?

What have been the results of these convos?

You're being treated like a recently discovered wayward. That's got to stop and you should stop allowing it.

I

[This message edited by alexa071 at 12:04 PM, Saturday, January 13th]

That sounds truly awful. It sounds like she is projecting some FOO play onto the cardboard cutout of The Man. And you, sir, are in the role of THAT man.

Just to rule out a possible trigger for her: do you sometimes look at X-rated content at home? No matter what your actual boundaries around cheating are, to many of us even a desire to "look, don't touch" is felt as betrayal, even if unconsciously. And then that fear generalizes and makes her imagination picture physical cheating as more possibly a reality, if she sees the visual stuff interests you. Just a thought I had.

(My father used to bring home Playboy magazine in the 1960's, "for the articles," he said. Well, he and my mother were begining to suffer rocky times and she moved him out of their bedroom, and his girly magazine collection grew. Both of my brothers eventually got into his stash in their former bedroom - they'd been moved to the basement - and that's how they were introduced to sexual content as pre-teens. Not surprisingly, both boys later got girls pregnant and both boys dropped out of high school to work, as they needed to support their new families. They had to grow up too fast.)

Then too, as a police officer, you are in a career you know is highly correlated with opportunities to flirt and cheat. (The term "badge bunnies" wasn't coined for nothing, right?) She is a doctor, so she probably knows that as well as you do, I'd guess.

Finally, is there any chance she is flirting at work?

No matter what, you describe what sounds like a really difficult situation for you both. Setting limits on her verbal abuse may be priority both of you need to agree upon - and enforce.

By the way, thank you and bless you for the work you do.

You admit that this often frustrates you, but do you feel it can lead to the road of divorce? Does she believe this is a real possibility?

I can see how this can definitely lead to a crisis situation in your marriage. But as Hellfire said, and you already know, this is a HER ISSUE. The worse part is that she is a trained doctor, and KNOWS the importance of staying balanced....like staying on your medications. If she isn't willing to do this, the future would seem unstable.

--She has familial history of mental illness

--She has actually had to be psychiatrically admitted

--She has medical training, so knows the importance of these issues

If MC was to continue, I would think that stressing the above facts, and kind of driving home the fact that the marriage can't move forward until she actively addresses her illness, would be paramount. There is no way that you continuing to prove your innocence is going to rectify her accusations.

How do you think that she would respond if you stated you are not going to continue MC unless she commits to regular IC?

[This message edited by alexa071 at 12:05 PM, Saturday, January 13th]

No, I don’t think this will lead to divorce… I am a highly committed person. This is drama and it is frustrating and maddening but I’m not going to bail on my family over it. It IS severely damaging our marriage and my love for her though. She knows how I feel about cheating and accusing me of it is telling me she thinks I’m absolute dogshit. Hard to love someone who keeps showing you that is how they think of you, no?

So long as she knows this, which I fully suspect she does, she has little incentive to change. Yeah you feel bad about it, but not bad enough to actually put your foot down and demand it stop, else the M might need to end. In her mind, since you’re going to keep eating the excrement platters she regularly serves you, she has the green light to continue.

"You teach people how to treat you based on what you’re willing to tolerate".

May I offer a suggestion? Sit her down again, and tell her you’re not willing to live this way, under constant unsupported accusations of adultery. Tell her you don’t want to hear about it unless she has proof. Then tell her the next time she does this, you will leave for the day. The time after that, you will leave for 3 days. Each time she repeats her behavior, you will leave for longer. Tell her the purpose is to show her what life will start to look like without you, because she is literally driving you away. At some point, if she cannot stop, you’re going to be permanently gone, much as you don’t want that, but you respect yourself enough not to tolerate such ongoing emotional abuse. And it IS abuse what she’s doing.

^^^Very good operant conditioning strategy, to create uncomfortable consequences.

Sadly the fear will just ramp up for her if you do leave for a period. Idea: do you have or could borrow a buddy's camper, park it outside in the yard, run the heat and electricity, to let you go through the physical step of "leaving the house" so she sees you mean it has to stop, but you'd still not be off in some motel somewhere? That in itself would be a trigger for me (my SAWH travelled a lot and cheated in motels).

I'm now training a German Shepherd from Europe and I can affirm this kind of separation anxiety issue is a b#tch to deal with!

But I agree that enforcing some kind of consequence may be the best behavioral therapy to try. Just think how to execute.