Wolf
Look – you can start as many threads as you want and ask the same question again and again. I just think that it would be best for YOU to keep it in one thread. That allows others to keep up-to-date, and allow you to share your views on the advice offered. It creates IMHO a better interaction. But it’s totally your call – you aren’t doing anything wrong.
There are areas that need work, which we are working on.
I challenge you to change that: YOU work on your life. It’s back to my statement that you need to focus on YOU to become a better person to others. It’s good that your wife’s involved, but the heavy-lifting has to be 100% you.
Your story about losing your job rang a bell… I have once been let go from a job, and coincidentally about 2 weeks prior I had asked about my job-security. I recognize the immense hit to the ego, self-worth and all that losing a job can have on you. This was over 20 years ago, and I have been in my current job for over 15 years, but still experience an occasional irrational fear of losing my job… (typical PTSD).
I want to make a couple of suggestions on the marriage and trust issues:
You will never get the same type of trust you and your wife had.
That’s fine. In fact, that’s GOOD. Blind trust is stupid and naïve. What you want is verifiable trust.
To get verifiable trust you simply do what you say you are doing and don’t do what she thinks you might be doing.
Short story: Some years ago, the rear right break on my truck started leaking fluid. Of course, this happened on a Friday morning before a long weekend. Crawled my way to the part of town where all the garages are and started knocking on doors to find someone that could fix the truck that day.
I chanced upon a mechanic who had opened his shop a couple of months previously. He took a look at the vehicle, gave me an estimate and told me he could have it ready by 2 PM. An hour later I got a call: Since the right side was faulty he checked the left side and recommended I change that too – gave me the price for that work too and the option to say yes or no and when I said yes told me this would take an extra hour. When I went to pick up the vehicle the mechanic showed me the work he had done, and the worn parts, confirming both sides were just about equally worn out.
I have since gone several times to this mechanic, as well as recommended him to numerous people. I verify what he says and does, but with time to a lesser degree. Like – if he tells me a repair will cost 400 I sort-of believe it’s fair and I don’t return expecting a bill for 500.
We use verifiable trust all the time. Like if you go to a restaurant you rely on Health and Safety and all sorts of regulations and checks to ensure the food stored and prepared properly and you won’t get food-poisoning. You rely on the regulations and checks to ensure the pilots on your flight are qualified.
We also use this in our private lives. I trust my kids, but I was still sniffing at the cuffs of their coats and checking the coat-pocket for tobacco to ensure they weren’t smoking as teenagers (2 out of 5 were caught this way…). I trust my wife with our joint finances – as she does me – yet we both go over all our accounts and cards, and if we see something we don’t recognize we ask the other. It’s not that we don’t trust – we just want to verify. Like – if I see a charge from CSV I don’t recognize I don’t automatically assume it’s condoms and lube for a lover, but listen and accept when I’m told it’s for painkillers and band-aid. If in doubt I would check the family first-aid kit. Reasonable trust, but verification when applicable.
I think that if you discuss this with your wife – how the two of you can establish a trust-but-verify form of interaction. You do so consciously – as in her being clear what it is she needs to build trust about and you being able to verify your actions in that area.
There needs to be some moderation in this. The verification needs to be valid and enforceable and realistic. Like my wife and I are open books to each other, but my job requires I don’t grant access to my e-mail, as does her job. If she asked me I would allow her to scan my e-mail over my shoulder but there can’t be any way for her to freely search or log in without my knowledge. If she had concerns about my female co-workers we would need to find other ways to alleviate those concerns. But… If the two of you are aware of the others fears and needs and then strive (within sensible reason) to alleviate the fears… then with time they should subside.
Basically – If someone were to ask me if I trust my wife – my answer wouldn’t be "What do you think!? YES!!" but rather "She hasn’t given me reason not to trust her, so yes I do."
On the marriage…
I truly think a ground-breaking moment in marriage is when you realize you are ONLY married because YOU WANT TO BE married.
You get all these people insisting they have to remain married due to the kids or whatever, and then they spend the years until the kids leave being miserable rather than focusing on repairing and creating a good marriage. Once the kids leave they find another excuse, like I can’t afford D or lose too much or whatever.
I guess about a third of my friends and colleagues and coworkers are divorced (that I know of). Some remarried, some in their third marriage or whatever. What I do know is that they all seem to live in houses, eat regularly, have a relationship with their kids and generally live happy lives. There is no automatic correlation between divorce and financial- and emotional shipwreck.
So realize and accept three statements:
You are only married because you want this partner.
You can divorce if you want someone else or something your partner can’t provide.
Your marriage is only sustainable while you BOTH want it.
I’m not advocating divorce as a solution to all problems. There are ups and downs in any marriage. But realizing that if you don’t pull your weight, communicate, and work together then there is the risk of alienating your partner… it’s a powerful incentive to do right.
She’s still there despite your affairs. You are still there despite having wandered off… That should tell BOTH of you a lot – for example that the first statement is probably valid: You want each other.
That’s actually a good place to start.
I think that if you two take time to sit down and acknowledge that marriage is precious and delicate but that you are BOTH able to leave if you wanted to, but neither does right now, then you can both decide you want to move forwards TOGETHER.
Once you decide that, you can work out steps on how to progress. You acknowledge each other’s issues and find ways to work with them.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:47 AM, Monday, January 8th]